I “discovered” this quite unexpectedly, that this line is written on a page by a friend of mine.

“或许放弃及损失，在许多情况下，并不是错误的决定，最终还会让自己获得更多。”

Translation: “Maybe (something will cause you to) give up and being at a loss, but a lot of times, it is not the wrong decision, in the end it’ll let benefit you even more.”

I’ll leave the interpretation to you all :).

Felt much better right now. It does seems that there’s a lot of things that I have been supressing in the past in the forms of self control, social conditionings and conjured fantasies (rated M by the ESRB)… and every supressed thoughts came to haunt me back to a point that really scares me: That it is possible for me to become insane and engage in violent behaviour.

Only that I realise that supression is also a human thought of a hidden intention, it’s like a seed planted in our own thinking and eventually it’ll grow and manifests in our own beings. And it will bring its effect later in life. And without notice, I have been caged into the darkness that I have created myself…

This really made me wonder… Is …

心中的彷徨失措，有谁能够体会到？是孤寂在作祟吗？还是自己害怕心中被压抑的黑暗面？

梦醒时分，只是感觉到自己身上的冷汗，自己迅速的喘气声。

The helpless feeling of aimlessness, can anybody understand what I’m feeling right now? Is it caused by loneliness? Or is it that I’m afraid of the darker side of me which has been suppressed until now?

By the time I woke up from my dream, I can only feel the cold sweat on my body, and my fast, panting voice.

1. 开始发现自己那不成熟的那一面…原来一向来都只是逞强。这时才发现自己不知不觉地为自己画上了浓妆。

   是掩饰自己的脆弱吗…？还是太过在乎你们的看法…？

2. 在接电话的当时，仿佛听到自己那木讷无神的声音。旧伤复发的我，开始对身边的一切觉得了麻木…

   在电话线另一端的你，是否是为我担心呢？现在的我，在使出一百二十分的力气，心中的那份沉重却让我无法发挥我以往的那份热诚。

   …真的是很对不起，我会继续努力，去恢复那失去了的精神，好不让你太过担心。

3. 此时此刻，想要脱掉脸上的尘埃…用最真诚的心去面对一切。

4. 在星空底下，我才发觉我又只是一个人了…

5. I’m starting to notice the immature side of me… suddenly I notice that all the while I have been trying to hard. At this moment of time, I only realise that I have put up a thick layer of makeup on my face.

   Is it that I’m hiding my weakness…? Or is it that I’m overly concern about your point of view…?

6. When I picked up the phone, I feel as if I heard my soulless voice. Having the old hurts coming back to me, I’m starting to feel indifferent to the things around me…

   On the other side of the line, are you still worrying about me …

My handphone has officially been declared to have that slithering ability to slip out from my pocket without me being notice. And that made me very anxious just now, luckily it was in Sook Lan’s car ^^||. Phew… But that thought really freaked me out.

In a way, this week isn’t really much of a good week for me -_-||. But I suppose there’s something I can learn from these experiences (as trivial and minor as they seem), maybe I should start by buying a chain to chain my phone up so that it won’t slip out from my pocket?

On a lighter note, just to spam my LJ a bit (since I was tagged by kinglucablight):

List ten songs that you are really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists …

1. 虽然说若不争取自己想要的东西，就永远都得不到，但是…自己渴望的东西总是要顾虑到很多人的立场，不能凭任性与自私的心态盲目追求。

   是懦弱吗…？是胆小吗…？但是我真的是不想做出无谓的伤害与牺牲，若是自己受伤还无所谓…

   …在感情的泛滥当时，我还不容易…把心中那个盖子关起来…

   说到底我只是在欺骗着自己…

2. 心中那朦胧的天气，总是带来那pH少过7的味道…还真的是希望一场泪雨可以让阳光灿烂的发光…但是想想看，那只是治标不治本吧？

   或许应该告诉自己：请不要在心中乱烧垃圾。

[Note: sorry for the lousy translation, it’s really hard to capture the Chinese like poetic essence in English]

1. Although they say that if you don’t sieze the things that you desired, you’ll never be able to get it forever, but… what I desired for is something that requires consideration of the situation and stand of a lot of different people, and it cannot be pursued blindly with selfish whims.

   Is this weakness…? Or is it timidity…? But I really don’t want to make any unneccessary harm and sacrifices, it’s OK if I’m the one who bears the pain…

   … At times when my feelings overflows, it takes me much effort …

Hazy skies, depressing weather, poisonous ozone gas indoors, asthma-like condition… and worse of all, it could be even worse.

Haze, haze, go away, let me go out and play…

Originally posted as a comment in Ahmed’s LJ post about his interesting viewpoint about gasp death :p.

Anyway, you can read his post here:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/Ahmed/395429.html

[Note: I only edited it slightly ;)]

As said, probably death is only the end in the perception of our own dimension of physical reality… Come to think of it… What is actually lost in the event of one’s death? Come to think about it, it’s really a very interesting thought…

From my current line of thoughts, death can probably be viewed not as a lost of something physical in existence, but a lost of an illusionary dream/mind. OK, probably that’s too abstract, putting it in an example: when someone/thing dies, the impact that it’ll cause will …

When the haze has clouded your sight, let the rain to clear away the dust to let the sun shine through.

Maybe it isn’t a great idea to visit the music store again, because I always have the tendency to check out stuff in the budget corner :p. (and ending up buying stuff if I saw some gems lying around)

And so I did bought stuff XD.

Everything begins when I notice Lene’s Play With Me CD in the budget corner, and considering that I remembered seeing it being mentioned in koneko4serious’s LJ, I was tempted to pick that up. And the first thing I notice is that Lene is the vocalist of AQUA! And so I just grabbed it without much thought :p.

Other than that, I also grabbed Nu Virgo’s Stop! Stop! Stop! (which DOES look Eurodance to me, LOL :p) and Lisa Maffia’s First Lady (I got it …