Feeling as if everyone being an unique individual means that we need to recognize the fact that everyone is living in their own separate worlds: feeling happy when two uniqueness meet with friendliness and love, and be grateful when we part.

Insecurity is always bound to be there, as the only certainty in this world is change and losing possession of everything that is only given to us: anything from physical things to emotional and spiritual attachment.

…

In other, unrelated news, I cut my hair short today. Other than that, there’s a lot of work related stuff that I need to do before I proceed to some high-priority work on Monday. I will not be at home, and probably I don’t know whether I can update my LJ… but I know there’s …

Originally posted as comments:

I do agree what you are saying, sometimes we (or maybe only I myself) get so immersed in collecting and analysing data that we forgot that our main goal of doing so is to ACT and LIVE. Just collecting and analysing is only as good as building imaginary castles in the sky. (hence a “dream” but not a “goal”, hmm… I think I answered my own question of the day XD)

I wonder whether that makes us mere statisticians? XDDDD

It does seems that I’m forgetting that conceptualization and idealization needs to be accompanied by manifestation and actualization. I really need to pull myself back to earth now :).

Somehow at a personal level, I’m kinda like changing course of direction for the past few months… well, as in what …

Two opposing thoughts, fighting for attention at times when a situation that triggers a strong emotion arises.

One side of it, is much more of an “ideal” self — the self which contains all my own core… or probably the values I perceived to be ideal; another side of it, is much more of a “vulnerable” self — the self which contains all the desires and fears.

Putting myself into the social circle and an exposure to alternatives and opportunities, it really puts me in a shocking situation, as I notice two completely different personalities rising in me, fighting to take control. The internal is completely calm, telling me that I have the power to make the best decisions; yet my external reaction seems wanting to scream and shout, the insecurities rushed into my instincts to run …

Originally posted as comments:

• From one point of view, being “alone” shows that you are capable to take care of yourself, that you know how to live your own life. So from that angle, it really deserves a pat on your back.
• The only depressing part is when “loneliness” kicks in. But that’s an emotion that you can decide whether you’d want to dwell in for long (and I know how hard that is).

• It’s really a two-person matter and getting two parties to agree upon this drastic change requires both parties to be emotionally mature. It’s really not like saying “We broke up, but we can still be friends, right?” will immediately shift the mental roles in both parties.

  This is what 99% of us thought that we have but …

Just feeling like jotting down what I felt this morning:

1. 心中那份对你的思念，似乎膨胀到让我感觉到心跳的痛楚。是无法对你倾诉的关系吗？一向来对你的暧昧似乎一直都吞了下去。

   才发现原来心情也可以让自己呛到。

   That thought of missing you, seems to have expanded to a point when I can feel the pain in every heartbeat. It is because I’m never able to express it? All the while I have been swallowing down my tenderness for you.

   Only I notice that emotions can also make myself choke.

2. 那份不成熟的胆怯，到现在都还没克服到，所以仍然在那段距离地望着你…所以依然还是进不到去你那小小的世界。

   Even now, I haven’t been able to conquer that immature feeling of anxiousness, and that’s why I’m still standing from afar seeing you… that’s why I will never be able to enter that small world of yours.

3. 有时觉得受不了心中那个颤动：是自己不甘寂寞吗？是不甘心永远只是和你走在对面的平行线？

   只能永远用双手抱着一份幻想吗？好像一直都是让自己活在不真实的存在…其实这种不实在的安全感，我已经受够了——受不了了！

   那一霎那间…爱的定义，我真的是完全不懂了…

   Sometimes I can’t stand that violent beating of my heart …

Spent some time at home, doing some soul searching on my part.

It’s like… I have been quite some time that I notice my emotional patterns as well as knowing how I handle situations when I’m disappointed or down, and somehow I’m surprised that I haven’t changed much from that point. All the time, I have been putting myself in some sort of a Lose/Win relationship when it comes to close relationships, that things like emotional suppression, concealed sarcasm and indirect aggression seems to be my typical cycle when I feel neglected or not being able to get what I want to get what I wanted. And only I notice how emotionally dependent I am to the views of others and how others treat me.

And so because of that …

Allen says: it may sound harsh and unfair…(me myself are not able to accept that too) letting go mean love him, let him happy makes u happy

Felix says: that’s probably the hardest lesson

Allen says: but still i’ll keep question that “y i can ever deserve him, i have needs too, what did i ever do wrong?”
Allen says: but still there’s 2 answer found “he’s str8” and “there’s no answer for it”
Allen says: “let my true feelings and love go and settle for substitute that i barely feel as strong as him? y is it so unfair?”

Felix says: ah… isn’t that familiar?

Allen says: slowly becomes “if i have to let go…i guess i think substitute way to love him for myself is …

One very strong insight, imparted by two friends, Ahmed and Allen, that really put me into deep thought until now: Of that the grave fear of going straight to the point. It not the first time I heard that statement: since childhood, this very comment has been given to me again and again by the people around me. But somehow it does seems that I shrug that off every time… except for now that I really wanted to put things into perspective.

Perhaps taking my own LJ as an example: a lot of times I have been, in a way, “speaking in codes”. Or probably I might as well say that I purposely “left out some vital, very tangible information relating to what I actually want to convey”. My own LJ has always been a …

Finaly I’m starting to take the first step: Making some decisions that I dare not make in the past. Subtle and invisible it is, but my steer of directions would impact my own personal life.

Probably I’ll be hurt, probably I’ll lose friends, probably I’ll be vulnerable… millions of negative possibilities might arise, challenge me in many ways. Probably I can make it, probably I won’t, probably I might chicken out, or probably I’ll lose everything… nobody can guarantee what’s going to happen.

In a way, I’m starting to allow myself to make mistakes… allowing a chance for myself to actually learn and grow, instead of shrink back to my old shell. As I started to notice that my nervousness and fear of achieving and getting what …

Bit by bit, I’m still learning how to cope with what I thought was habits in the past. Little that I knew that these are merely traits that reflects back on my own fears, insecurities, anxiety and worries… Fear that I don’t get accepted, fear that I’m unable to get what I wanted, fear that I’m unable to achieve what I expected, fear that everything will be taken away from me, fear that I’m not worthy enough… Each and every time, I constantly find myself shrinking back timidly.

Only that I knew that it’s really not something that can be modified or repressed: It’s completely impossible to do so, because these traits are part of my own defence mechanism. Only that I knew that to cure these traits …