July 2005 - Silent Progression

“But eventually as I find myself can’t even able to get rid of this pest from hindering my work, the frustrations get piled up to a point that I got extremely pissed off about it: The feeling is just like when there’s a fly buzzing around you. You know you can swat that fly, but this fly seems to show some cunningness as it avoid and dodges all your offensive attacks. Each and every time you miss it, the fly seems to grow in size, and yet no matter how hard you try, it just seems to find a way to buzz away from your attack… even worse, it seems to have fun at it as it flies around you with a sarcastic glee.” (Describing my debugging experience :p …

May 2005 - Switching Environments: Changes Abound

“…while most of the better (if not best) blogs does seem to voice out opinions towards various topics, and provide some sort of a deep analysis regarding the topic being mentioned, mine is just filled with tons and tons of questions left unanswered.” — May 7, 2005

“I really don’t like the feeling of denying myself every single time I’m trying hard to suppress my feelings. But I have to do just that in order to ensure that I don’t want to spark any unwanted drama by sticking something “hard-to-swallow” (by the perception of the society, that is)in their throats.” — May 20, 2005

“it does came to me that in times of doubt, some parts of the foundation of our own self perception starts to be …

March 2005 - Stress And Sickness

“Looking back into those two years, it’s like… a lot of things had happened, and I have been through all the most extreme ups and downs that I had in life. And now I’m just sitting here, feeling a sense of calmness which I would never expect.” — March 16, 2005

“There were times when you just have to accept the fact that some wounds would take a longer time to heal.” — March 21, 2005

“梦醒之后，才发现你以前给我的那毫无防备的微笑。这时才猛然发觉…我爱你的，就是你那一份纯真。” (After I woke up from my dream, only I realised that defenceless smile of yours. Only then I suddenly realised… what I love about you, is the simpleness in you.) — March 27, 2005

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Nothing much to say about this month as I spent more time working rushing on …

It’s this time of the year again, it’s just a good time to review what’s happening in my life as recorded in my LJ. Say it like a summary of sorts, and I have tagged some extra posts, particularly I have expanded some posts into the impromptu section.

Anyway, 2005 has been a very exciting year for me as I find myself changed quite a lot during this period. A lot of joy, laughter, blood and tears happened, and it was quite a turbulent year for myself as I have experienced both the peaks and the valleys in life. But it really made me being able to realise a lot of things that I have overlooked in the past, that as much isn’t a bed of roses, it wasn’t a …

Just today I was reminded the joke about the elephant, the giraffe and the fridge, the joke goes something like this:

How do you put an elephant into the fridge? Answer: Open the fridge door, put the elephant in, and close the door.

How do you put a giraffe into the fridge? Answer: Open the fridge door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in, and close the door.

Thinking about it, it just reminded me the lesson that I kept on forgetting: How many times we have been paralysing ourselves with what we called as “knowledge”? How many times we have make our thoughts overly complicated that we have the tendency to think of thousand of imaginary parameters that we think that will “block” our progress?

How many times we have judged things, saying …

Within a few days of sickness and pain, my own being seems to be in disorganization. Somehow it does made me realise the importance of keeping the mind, heart, body and soul in harmony with existence. In moments of dischord, only to realise how much unawareness of one’s actions, repression and the illusory ego can cause self-inflicted wounds to one being.

…

Coming back to real life, been picking up Japanese again, this time round I’m sure I’ll make it. I have also been reading Chuang Tsu, and probably I would read more about the great thinkers in the past in a quest of searching.

Currently still in the process of recovery (mainly from the physical aspect, but it’s not really a big issue now) and catching up with everything in the office.

Anything could happen, anything is possible. The only certainty is change.

That itself make every single cell in me tremble… Who knows, the next minute I’ll achieve my goals, or conversely I would lose everything that I hold dear.

Is it an attachment of security? Or is it that I fear of the possibility of the worst possible scenario?

Only to realise what I’m clinging onto is not reality but only an illusion of perception.

- Trust, but tether your camel first -

Being more conscious and aware with my own being, I’m starting to realise and notice how imperfect I was. Through witnessing more and more of my actions, I’m starting to notice even I myself commit myself to mistakes that I have criticise others about — tons of them, in fact.

Just as I thought I have perfected the art of my own doings, being instantly aware and witnessing my own actions made me realise all my own mistakes and imperfections.

A lot of fragments to pick up, so it seems. ^-^” Seems that my own unawareness, ignorance and ego does cloud my own perception all this while.

So back to square one and learning all the basics. 😛

Not feeling well, emotionally, today. Or I should say that I feel pretty sucky today…

Truth to be told is that nothing upsetting really happening today… or more confusingly is that I don’t even feel any forms of negative emotions today. It’s just feels like… some sort of repressed emotions wanted to break itself free, but yet it just have itself… stuck there, unable to move anywhere at all.

Coming to think about it, it really reflects back a lot of feelings in the past: dreams and desires that never get fulfilled, occasions when I feel left out, rejected and ignored, helplessness, and the list goes on… A lot of them are pretty much psychological, or probably illusionary, fears. Somehow I just feel that… being human with desires, desires acts like a two-edged …

Just one statement is enough to trigger thousands of thoughts, flooding the mind with thousands of illusions: those that reflect the core of our own becoming — desires, regrets, dreams, imagination, repressed emotions…

Some beautiful, some not-so, some downright scary and ugly.

Somehow, each and every of these thoughts, screaming attention for one to perceive it as a reality. Is that a manifestion of a vision, so that we will work to achieve that? Or is it just an act of cowardice, seeking an outlet to make believe of something that seemed to be impossible?