It’s been a few days, as usual.

My brother was discharged from the hospital last Saturday, and I purposely went back to see him. To be very honest I didn’t really feel like it as:

1. It’s only a week since I went back
2. I have lots of work to sort out and I’m WAY past my deadline
3. I’m very tired these days

…etc. etc.

But on the way home, I had time to organized my thoughts on this matter, and it’s just… funny how much excuses we can come up to avoid the real issue. Somehow, sorting out my own ramblings over something that I really loathed and carefully analyse the “reasons” that I had to explain my own negative attribution to something, I find myself digging deeper and …

Somehow, in one way or the other, I did sort of notice that my communication (as in speech and writing) have changed. And at some times, I’m felt a bit isolated, in a way.

Hmm… where should I start this topic…

I don’t know how to say this, just that pretty much these days I’m living on my own, in a sense. It’s really hard to describe that kind of observation, but it’s really like… day-in, day-out, I pretty much carried out my own life by myself. From planning budgets to working to having fun, I’m pretty much capable to enjoy everything… or at least being capable to live on my own with minimal help. And it’s not really a new observation as I tend to do things …

There’s two parts in me, that I can and will never deny.

One part of me, is the outer image that most project on me: following a persona which is molded based on opinions of others as well as my own perception of the social expectation. Or simply put, the “yes-man” in me - the one part of me in which I have expressed some dissatisfaction over in the past… and the key driver to my own thoughts.

One part of me, is the uncivilized self: which contains some of violent impulses which I have been suppressing in some way or the other… the strong urge of disgust, hatred, violence and sex. Which is also the part of myself which I am in fear to face… which is the key concern that I have been …

To be sincerely honest (OK, I know this is a grammatical redundancy), I have been pretty much covered up a lot of my true feelings in my LJ (well, as if it’s NOT OBVIOUS ENOUGH). Well, it’s not that I’m lying or anything, but that I’m extremely careful in picking my own words in describing what’s happening in my life, especially when it comes to my own relationship matters.

It’s been a year (and a half?) since I have been doing so, I still remembered how much pain that I have been through with the incident that I had with Choon Hui. And since then I’m trying hard to keep all the details pertaining to my own love life under covers, at least thinking that this defence mechanism …

Bah… my health isn’t getting any better lately X_X. Just feeling like draggin’ myself all day long these days. I’m not entirely sure whether is it the weather, my personal diet or my lack of exercise these days, but definitely it really needs me to work things out now!

In other news, well… it wasn’t really anything interesting or extremely upbeat, I bet most people around me had heard a lot of my stress rants lately X_X. No thanks to an approaching deadline with my repair work half done X_X. Not to mention that I haven’t started my documentation work yet!

That aside… Well… just say that I’m still piecing the puzzle of the things around me. Somehow being a person like me who treats life as the ultimate sandbox …

Back online again :), I hope I’m not going to do another ADSL modem warranty again.

It’s been a few days that I’m able to actual sit/lie down, relax and letting myself wandering around… soul searching and thought drifting. Well… you know, it’s almost lying down on a lush grass plane while watching the clouds pass by… just that the qualities are different in terms of context :).

Somehow up to this point of life… I had that feeling that my life is constantly changing… It’s kinda of funny feeling, to be honest: It’s like, sometimes, when I just silently sit down, I just had some visions of where I’d be… in which I definitely had no idea whether is it a hunch of my own or is it …

The weather has been extremely unpredictable lately, it’s like… one moment it scorching hot, then you get to see clouds that makes the city looked eerily like the cursed land of Mordor and soon after you get rain so heavy that it really made the rain looked like curtains.

And with the recent developments in life, my emotional scale still remain as unstable, as much as everything is improving at the moment. These days just seemed that… I don’t know, I kinda lose some balance in life that I get disappointed more easily by obstacles in front of me.

As much as I understand that the only person whom is to be responsible for my own life and its problem is myself, but yet at times I really wanted someone just hold me …

Heavy clouds on my head just now for no apparent reason… or is it really without reason at all…?

It’s one of those days that I just felt like I’m sluggish, being left behind in a way or the other. Or just plainly frustrated that I didn’t get things my way, from one perspective?

I’m just plain confused now: is it that I’m feeling angry that I wasn’t given the things I wanted? Or is it I’m feeling angry with myself for not achieving something?

At times like this, I just felt impatient: to a point that deep down, I just wanted to rush there and grab whatever I wanted, without considering the situation and the people around. Just letting my own greed and desires to devour myself …

Yesterday has been a very, very bad day for me that my stress levels goes to a point that I really snapped and broke down into tears. Not really a good sight, to be honest.

Somehow there’s a lot of emotions being held back, a lot of worries and fears not address… maybe it’s due to the fact that I don’t want anyone to worry about me, or probably it’s just me afraid of letting these emotions being expressed among people, friends and family even.

This made me realised that both the adult side of me and the inner child within still exists. Did made me pondered about that point… knowing how much internal anguish are being created by myself when I was small.

Probably it’s just how I see …

Steven (one of my best friends in university) came and stayed overnight yesterday. It did made me feel that time flies so fast ever since I started work in May and graduated in August, and him being at Singapore for quite some time (he went there to work between that period).

Catched up with a lot of stuff with him and apparently he have been through quite a lot in life… sparing all details, a lot of current issues was brought up pertaining to love, trust, respect, duty, sexuality, parent-child and much more was been discussed and pondered deeply.

Relating to my impromptu post, it’s like… it’s pretty much a very big question to be really pondered, actually. Being through all the life’s ups and downs, it does seems that from a …