Just now I have been clearing up my stuff again, paper stuff always have the capability to scatter all around the place when I least notice it, mostly bills, fliers, randomly scribbled notes… well, mostly rubbish, if that’s a good way to put it ^-^||.

But somehow I just have that really uncomfortable feeling thinking whether my life have became just a mere bank balance while I’m sorting my papers. Thinking into extremes, if my life just constitute of working, spending money just to keep myself survive and entertained… ugh…

Really, if that’s the case, it’s not a life worth living. Just draining my life sources like that for another 50 years (give or take), that’s really a scary thought.

Come to think about it… people pretty much always like to …

It’s pretty hard to describe what I have been through since Friday… at the emotional level, that is.

Let’s see, I get to know my increment last Thursday, and I got very, very, very disheartened by the rate I have been getting. I don’t know why… is it because I am comparing myself with others?Or I have some sort of unrealistic expectation or a bloated ego… Whatever the reason, I just felt that… I really deserve more than what I have been given.

Heck I’m feeling all upset but I just can’t find an outlet to express that. That feeling like having a heart like an inflated balloon is very hard to bear.

I don’t know what to say, really. It’s pretty much act as a wake …

I’m close to post all my artworks already ^^||… probably the next possible thing that I might post is photographs that I took and liked as well as some poems that I have written, I suppose ^^||.

Looking at the amount of my artwork over here in DA, it really look like… only 10% of the artwork that I really done? Well… most of them are pretty much just sketches, to be honest. But in the past, I always keep every single scrap of paper with my drawing on it: whether I liked it or not.

I don’t know whether I’m keep track of my progress or I’m just hoarding.

So I have quite a thick stack of paper with pencil marks scrawled all over it (occasionally some inked and coloured, which are …

Sometimes I just can’t help but thinking back, that did I really see the full picture of the whole situation?

Looking at it more carefully now, it really indicates that I always jump into some hypothetical judgement/solutions when I get a small progression/change in an issue. And really, the worst part (well… not really worst to a point that will cause life and dead issues; but it IS plain annoying if I’d be someone else) is that my reaction can be so extreme and dramatic (at least what happens internally or showing signs of extremism)

A lot of time, as much as I vouch or even preach the concept of understanding other people’s point of view, But in reality, it seemed that it ends up that a lot of my …

好多时候，反复地问同样的问题，却没有得到一个真正的答复。

有时问久了，或许自己也气馁了，就没追究下去了，没在去问了。

之所以好多与你有关的东西，都算是自己猜测，甚至有时是凭空想象出来的东西。

无法肯定这是真正的事实，真正的你：这种对人怀有虚伪假想这样的感觉，很讨厌。

这个时候，才深深体会到，原来自己也是有错：每一句对我说的话，即使多琐碎也好，即使多虚伪也好，即使多讨厌也好，原来也是有“价值”的 －－ 就是那么希望去了解别人。

A lot of times, repetitively asking the same questions, but not getting a real answer.

Sometimes, it has been asked so many times, probably I gave up of asking myself, so I didn’t further pursue the matter, didn’t ask anymore.

That’s why a lot my perceptions towards you, can be considered as my own guessing, and sometimes it’s even my own imagination.

Unable to be sure this is the actual fact, the real you: this feeling of having artificial perceptions towards others, is really something that I hated a lot.

At this time, I can deeply feel, I myself is in the wrong as well: Every …

Been uploading some REALLY old artwork that I have done.

It’s pretty fun sharing those artworks that I had in the past: the days when I devote a lot of time drawing stuff and scribbling characters that I adore a lot. Although the artwork is pretty simple and not something that is impressive, the sort of rawness in skill is something that really captivates me: the feeling of youthfulness.

As my own skills improved, I personally find myself drawing less and less. Maybe that I’m losing motivation? I have other priorities? Or is it that I’m pretty frustrated at myself staying in that level of “good” but not “greatness”? Or maybe as time past by, I accumulated so much art and comparing it by amount with the stuff I have drawn lately …

昨天好像和他吵架，至少自己的感觉上是如此。当时的心情何等难受，自己当时很清楚。

吵架这回事，到底是真的还是自己多心了呢？还是那份短短的“Nvm”¹是那么的冰冷，让我感到更加痛心？

不晓得为什么，总是觉得在与自己重视的人的摩擦，自己好像永远都摆在劣势的感觉。似乎无论伤心也好，愤怒也罢，对你泄气或是大吐口水的时候，那份气愤不仅是朝向你冲去，同时也把枪头指向自己。一个人承受两个人的痛苦，这场感情战争已经不战而败了。

这种时候，真的是不知道如何去处理…バカみたいね（好像笨蛋吧）

It seems like I had a fight with him yesterday, at least that I felt that way. How bad I felt at that time, I’m fully aware of it.

That “quarrel” between us, is it really a fight or is it that I’m just imagining things? Or is it that short “Nvm” (Nevermind) seemed so cold, that really made me felt even hurtful?

I don’t know why, I always felt that when there’s some friction between me and someone I felt important, I was always in the disadvantage. Seems that no matter if I’m sad, or that I’m mad, when I spill them out …

Spent a lot of time digging into my hard drive and post deviations (ala Deviant Art) like MAD!!! 😆

I don’t know, probably I’m currently just seeking of some sort of escape? Or because of some other reasons, but one thing for sure is that looking back at my artworks in the past is like going down the memory lane and look back at the past.

Surprisingly, I can still remember how these artworks were “born”: it’s sort of like memories that was not recalled most of the time but has remained etched since the day something was created. And through that, I’m still able to recall the feelings that I had when I have produced every piece of work.

As much as I didn’t drew much lately, all the arts …

I’m not going to repeat myself how busy I was (and how much behind I am in terms of work schedule X_X).

Anyway, somehow I’m still keeping my books on my head. Boring accounting work, they say :p. Apparently, with my long wish list on my head, sometimes I get a bit impatient with my own progress, I guess ^^||.

Speaking of which, it’s been a year and two months since I started work, being through a lot of different experiences throughout this period. I don’t think I have written this down in my LJ during that time, but I still remembered the time when I received the job offer, I said to myself that I’m giving myself two years and decide where I would go later. And now… well… I …

It’s that day again, seeing Theen Gee moving out. It’s been a very interesting month with him, well, probably because he’s the only one whom I can really discuss my drifting thoughts (or more like I refrained myself to go all long-winded over these kind of philosophical stuff :p).

So today, with the help from Chin Han (Theen Gee’s new colleague), we start to move out the stuff to his new home. And seeing that there aren’t much stuff to move, I thought that going to be easy and quick, and how wrong I am X(. Even for like… boxes of stuff which only fills the car boot and the back seat, and throw in a small computer table and a mattress , we only manage to get everything done after …