It’s not that I’m sad or anything… it’s not even that the smile on my face is fake… Somehow… on the surface of things, in a way I’m indeed happy with my own life.

But at times when I was on my own… at those times when I dwell deeper and deeper into my own being, I can’t seem to find that smile deep down in my heart. I pretty much notice that what I have written down in my LJ is much more of the deeper aspect of myself, I’m starting to notice that the happy smileys that I have typed… doesn’t really mean a real smile from within.

That pretty much made me noticed that there’s a lot of issues that I’m not really …

Well, chaos not as in my life a complete ruin or mess. Everything’s fine here.

But more like… how I see my present situation is more like a unpredictable and random board of chess. Not that anything bad has happen in some way or the other, but somehow… well, how should I put it… things turning out much different from what I have expected.

Or, in another way of putting it, the shattering of a planned storyline in the head, I suppose.

Somehow I’m still feeling a bit nervous somehow, it’s like… I’m starting to find myself exposing to a bigger world than I thought. And looking at myself at the moment, it’s like… I have been staying in my own my space for a long time, and I’m …

Somehow at the moment my expenses has pretty much crept up to a point it’s eroding my savings. Well, not by a serious margin, but these few months I have been spending quite a lot of stuff. Currently books, CDs and some new comfort necessities (food and clothes).

But apparently I didn’t expect that I have to buy some new working clothes. But having an ironing accident with one of my shirts and I had only a week supply of shirts (that doesn’t require a lot of ironing, that is), I bought two extras to replace it. And now my base of my leather shoes is showing signs of falling off (and it wasn’t the first time already), I need to get another pair pretty soon. 😞

To be honest, I’m …

Holding tight, that’s pretty much what I have been doing at the moment. It means different things in different ways: Holding tight onto a pillow seeking (pseudo?) comfort, holding tight to my calm when facing challenges (currently being assigned to a job very close to the deadline, more like an sudden/emergency arrangement), holding tight to my own search of the ultimate self… a lot of things.

Sometimes really felt that dealing with myself is already tough enough, and trying to understand others at the same time does seems like stretching myself a little too thin ^^||… but that itself was a very important lesson unto itself, isn’t it :).

It does take a while, so it seems :).

It has been some time that I have been developing the idea of having some negative feelings and insecurities stems from certain missing components in life: something that we are know unconsciously but not being able to fully aware of what it exactly is. Think of it, it feels almost like trying to fitting in puzzle pieces… or to try every single key until all locks on the door is open. It is indeed a tiring process at times, but… life isn’t something we should give up on, isn’t it? 😊

Somehow thinking about it, during every chapter in my own LJ (i.e. my own views in life) I seemed to be able to find or understand something important that I first thought was complete, but it’s actually more like I’m …

Been at home during the weekends, but all I have felt is nothing but restlessness. Or more precisely put is that it’s the “drifting thoughts weekend”… well, in a way.

At this time, it’s really hard for me to really scope in my thoughts… it’s really like… several issues were so interrelated with each other and yet so distinct. So much adrift that I felt completely lost… all alone blanketed by my own fears. As if I’m going further back in time… a sense of helplessness in such a big, unknown world… it’s like… becoming back into an child, needing the protection from the mother.

Is it that I was grown up too soon? Somehow it felt as if I can’t cope with everything in this world… unprepared, in …

Two day I have been sleeping without a blanket, and to be honest it’s very hard to sleep without one. It’s not that I’m feeling cold or anything, just that tingling sensation of having legs exposed without any cover just made me feel… insecure?

It’s almost like the feeling of sleeping without a teddy bear or soft toy, you know, some people have that kind of attachment to something that they just didn’t feel secure without it… and sometimes knowing the fact that it’s much more of a superficial need than a real one.

Probably the existence of covers and teddy bears fills in the need for warmth, touch, protection, company and probably love? It’s sort of possible, thinking about it (probably doing a Google search on phychological …

不知道为什么，感觉自己好像花一样，要枯萎了。花瓣开始凋零了。自己的世界，不知为何，只是看到一片荒芜。

是以前所看到的都是幻想吗？还是一向以来都不愿承认这个事实？

这种寂寞感伤真的是非常强烈…连自己也承受不了。

体贴与关心的人很多，他们也很好。但似乎真正了解，话入心坎肺腑的好像连一个也没有。知己难得吧…

其实自己也不知如何是好。其实真的是很难说出来，毕竟这是一个自己的“感觉”，一个不知为何而来的“感觉”。或许说出来都只是被当着是“多心”来看代…

真的是开始乱了…

I don’t know why, I felt I’m like a withering flower with petals starting to fall away. I don’t know why, my world seems to be like a desolate plain.

Is it that what I have seen in the past is just an illusion? Or is it that I don’t want to accept this reality?

This kind of depression and loneliness is very strong… even myself can’t bear it.

There’s a lot of kind and caring people around me, and they have been good. But it just seems that there’s no one who really understands and being able to say words can …

From time to time, or rather, half of my time, I felt pretty self-conscious. Feeling inadequate and/or deprived, to be more exact.

Most of the time, most of my jealousies, anguish and sadness stemmed from that feeling: The feeling of lacking.

Lacking imaginations to think of goal to push my limits.
Lacking of drive and passion to materialize the things I wanted to achieve.
Lacking love, attention and physical closeness to feel warmth.
Lacking knowledge to understand things that I really wanted to know.
Lacking in financial resources to fulfill my heart desires.
Lacking the energy and strength to pull myself through challenges and rough times.
Lacking courage to live whatever I preach and sometimes, against all odds…

Do I hate myself? …in a way, yes. Despite my own belief that I perceive that …

Day 3 of constant reevaluation, no conclusion yet. But tons of ideas, Plan-A, B, Cs… Thinking of situations from different angles, pros and cons, gains and sacrifices…

It did made me think that I didn’t really know what I wanted in life… shrinks myself into a small shell 😞

But somehow I really felt the importance of working on something for myself, irregardless whether I go or stay at the same environment. I always sense that there’s something… something which is most important in my own life, yet I have no idea what that was… all I know is just to pursue, attempt to grasp it with my own hands. Yet time and time again, I found myself tumbling and rolling, stumbling over blocks… the feeling is almost the same as chasing one’s …