Somehow I’m not particularly in a good mood today… somehow the feeling of some void within was still carried forward from yesterday. Or probably I just feel like… dead? Or probably less lively? Not really sure whether stress has caught up on me.

In other news, somehow I didn’t know why I’m getting so upset and irritated by a few work related call during this weekend. It’s like… it’s only a phone call or two which didn’t really last for more than 5 minutes, I can’t really think of a reason to really feel that irritated. Is it that I feel that my personal time has been invaded? Or is it that I have developed a dislike ever since the time that I felt that receiving “free computer …

As much I believe that I have repeated myself many times, I still had the same feeling of insecurity some where deep down: uncertain what the future lies. As the time my original thought of “going ahead for two years and decide what’s next later” draws nearer and nearer, in some way there’s an empty void there deep down… seemingly a lot of open possibilities.

Am I alone? Probably not. But it seems that from my perspective, I was. Probably in some way I have closed myself in? That’s something that I’m really not sure of.

Many twists and turns in life… it does made me having the impression that my life’s like a game with the outcome is a complete unknown: a mystery by its own right. What I …

Thinking of life as a series of peaks, plains and valleys… Think back of the times when I was at different points at different times… All my emotions and thoughts…

Was there really a place that I’d call a paradise? Seems like as much happiness that I had, there was never a place that would made me feel like in paradise continuously…

Was there really a place that I really despise? Seems like at every single point of time, all terrains seemed to have something that I desired of that I can’t possibly be despising it.

Is this what we call as “discontentment”? That with it, wherever I go, there’d always a hell hiding somewhere? But it seems that discontentment is not something that we can dispelled by fight or flight. Then …

A short panic drive today, felt defeated at work today. Well… for the past few months I’m starting to see my own shortcomings in my technical skills and knowledge as well as on how to handle situations and emergencies. It’d probably be easier for me to handle if I were to stop at “I’m lacking experience”, but somehow I’m not really satisfied with myself.

I’m not entirely sure whether is it that I’m lacking focus, determination, intelligence and enthusiasm, or that I felt worn out throughout the year. Or probably it’s just my unrealistic expectation that everything should be smooth sailing and that I’m a perfect person who can just handle everything.

What am I really comparing against? Somehow I’m not really sure of the answer …

Hmm… nothing much to say about today, really. But somehow just contemplating the same old stuff that I still can’t find the answers to, and that I do feel like… there’s a lot of things that I still have to learn: Work and life, to be more specific. And that I’m still trying to decode some hidden expressions and messages from the communication of the people close to me… somehow I just felt that there must be something valuable behind, no matter how trivial they may seem to be.

Somehow that does made me wonder whether thinking everything that happened and deep contemplation is a bit too much ^-^||. In some ways I really felt the urge to let things go and live life without restraint, I wonder what’s holding me back …

I don’t know whether I should say it has been a slow day or not, but certainly it was a quiet one indeed. Been spending most of my time either in front of books or my own computer.

Somehow, spending most of my time alone did gave a lot of room for myself to observe my own emotions and feelings. But honestly speaking it wasn’t something new that I’m trying to figure it out, it’s still about loneliness and the need for physical closeness (yes, the issue on sex was included). It’s sorta funny that I can’t figure it out, considering how long I had been trying.

But somehow I think the sexuality issue has been resolved in one way or the other. As much as I’m still …

Somehow… my life is transitioning into another phase… probably signalling a new chapter unfolding?

Last time was probably acceptance and fear. Now it’s more on obsession, longing, courage, lust and love.

Events and thoughts will be elaborated when the times comes. But as for now… well, it’s inevitable that I have to face these changes within.

がんばってください、ね？自分は。

A whole week up there at Genting, phew, that’s really something. There are panic moments, but as far as problems were concerned, there’s aren’t really big, so in a way I’m glad for that.

Throughout these days, I find myself dealing with more people than usual, dealing with suppliers, casino operators, authorities/managers, customers, friends and colleagues… Somehow it has been a different experience to me, along the way, my colleagues have been very supportive, helping along the way in dealing with people, protecting myself from any potential harm as well as taking things easy.

Being a little bit far away my own usual environment, it really opens up a different experience to me. Somehow the reflection of other people’s actions as well as just the mere existence of my …

Currently I’m still following my own train of thoughts… finding the roots of all issues and dealing with them. And somehow it’s like… it’s starting to get more harder and harder to face. Let’s use this recent happening as an analogy to this: It’s been a long, long time I have been suffering with sinus problems. It’s like… hardly I can remember the days when I don’t need tissue paper or when I’m not sneezing. So I have pretty much attribute that to my poor health… or the impression of it.

But after I changed my towel blanket to a summer quilt, the sneezes has stopped completely. And from that it’s not hard for me to realized that all this while I have been allergic to …

Thinking about it, from many perspective I was still being mentored, either directly or indirectly. Sometimes I do get a bit frustrated with the pace I’m progressing. Probably the same feeling as being a disciple of a master who is still training on the basics every single day.