Been pondering for a bit, somehow Ron Kaufman‘s analogy on personal responsibility just came back to me suddenly (which gave me a great impact when I first heard it from his seminar tapes shown in the bookstore). Somehow eventually in due to course of time, I have forgotten it, so I think it’s a good idea to put it up here.

I still remembered¹ that he talks about the fact that when in comes to constantly improve oneself in order to provide good service to others, taking personal responsibility to change and going the extra mile is extremely important. However, some would tend to avoid that kind of responsibility when something is wrong, and hence fall through three stages of denial.

The first is “Shame”, which we feel shameful that we had …

“…As times passes by, everything will start to set in… and will eventually fade away into the open skies…”

As everything starts to unfold, it seems that it is inevitable… or probably the best thing for both of us, is to keep a distance between us, more of an emotional distance than a physical one, in a way. But at the same time… a void has been created within me as my daily routine was now changed. The opportunity for me to have him close to me for a full 30 minutes most of the time have pretty much been diminished… which is a big void which I don’t think I’ll be able to replace for a long time. Unless if there’s some sort of special development of events, of course, but …

Life’s going on as usual, with everything’s OK on the outset. Is it that I became stronger? Or that I didn’t really cared? Or I have gotten used to live with my heart wounded?

As much it’s not being expressed in anyway, I know that small sadness that sounds like a whimper, that ache that seems to have everything ground to diamond dust… those familiar little feelings within.

“…Life have to go on, no matter how the circumstances are at the moment…”

Is it that I’m starting to get used to this kind of feeling? Or is it that I have endured the greatest pain way before yesterday: rehearsed to a point that it seemed more bearable?

“… Am I more happier this way…?”

“… If I were to move forward, where …

I’m not sure whether I had mentioned it before, I always see things as some sort of calculated risk: if there’s something new in front of me, I wouldn’t jump right into it but to think it through carefully. If I’m sure that I’m capable to take up the risk and possible damages, then I’ll pick that up.

However, at the moment… there’s things that I wanted to commit myself in life, and yet I can’t seem to assess the risk properly and take action with any confidence. Which pretty much leads to an agonizing irritation within me… not liking the feeling of not able to take any sort of action that leads to something. As much it’s some sort of a very good protection to …

Yesterday I was there at 1 Utama (Malaysia’s largest shopping complex, doing my CNY shopping. And I was excited by the fact that I managed to buy all my clothes and a pair of new shoes within a short period of time, which does made me wonder whether I should have came here sooner in the first place. Well… at least I know where should I get my casual clothes next time :).

Then I proceed to the new year countdown event there, I’m not really the kind of person who’d enjoy concerts, basically my own motive is to see the firework display. Or probably I just felt out of place, as I see everyone around me were enjoying themselves and had fun with their friends and family. In contrast, I find myself …

“越是想去了解，反而越是觉得难以捉摸。The more I tried to understand, the more harder it is to achieve understanding.” — February 14, 2006

It’s that time of the year again! Attempt to look back, reflect on myself and perhaps do a little summary for all the entries that I have typed back in 2006. From memory, 2006 had been quite an interesting year with its ups and down. Although, to be honest, my life revolved around work and probably my small little world this year…that’s not really something interesting in some way ^^||.

Seemed that I spent most of my time writing drifting thoughts and impromptu posts: mostly revolving around personal issues, love and human relationships. But somehow, seeing the recurring themes and somehow similar messages behind them… seems that I didn’t really learn anything up …

I think I’m too attached to that someone whom I don’t even know whether it is possible to be together with. (or in other words that I liked someone too deeply) As much as I would acknowledge the fact that it has been a while I felt this way and this is definitely not the first time.

Not sure whether is it that I’m malnourished in this department…

Probably I’m dwelling in the past? Somehow I’m currently feeling pessimistic as I’m worrying whether I would never be able to share a deeper connection with a special somebody. Either I’m just human or that I’m ego-centric… sigh as if there’s actually a way to tell what the future holds.

But somehow I noticed that things were going …

Let me just summarize my current life in a whole (which pretty much covers how I think and felt during the past few week - months):

Of working life:

It’s really hard to say whether I’m happy or not, to be honest, but so it seemed that I’m starting to have some dissatisfaction on my own. Not really sure whether it’s because I took up something that over-exceeds my “acceptable” workload… but what indeed happened is that my comfort zone was completely destroyed. I’m still particularly getting used to communicating with other people, which is still stressing me out for some reasons (because I’m anti-social or something?).

So… currently it’s not particularly a good sight, at least from my own point of view, I’m starting to get overly …

Probably that’s what I’m feeling at the moment… or even something that has been my truest feeling since that day. Sometimes it just seems that no matter how I tried, I just can’t get that particular “Aha!” moment that just makes everything click.

Sometimes I just wondered, is it really that hard to like/love someone? It just seems easier to feel liked by somebody, but when it comes to have someone to like myself, it’s just plain hard. Probably because it’s something that can be force… well, that’s what I think at the moment.

Been through a total breakdown yesterday (see previous impromptu post) and it lasted until this morning: I just felt like a very upset kid unable to get what he wanted. Mostly its just my pent up dissatisfaction in life broken loose… on work (stress levels picking up at a level that I cannot cope), life (the emptiness issue), myself (disappointed by the fact that I’m not progressing at all) and love matters (just it appears… or perhaps may be the fact that chances of me getting together with the one I really liked at the moment is slim. Or probably I just desperately wished that he wasn’t all that stoic).

Somehow I only managed to cheer up thanks to Yuan Hui (my colleague). Thinking about it, I was pretty much being coaxed like …