Sit down, relax, meditate… umm, probably not ^^||. But it’s true that I’m starting to wander deep, notice the subtle changes within myself a bit more. Although it’s more general in saying that in noticing the changes of my emotions and feelings with all the things surrounds and/or happening to me, more directly speaking that most of my attention goes to the physical/sexual dimension of things.

(What a good way to rationalise myself about me starting to noticing more male bodies around me? XD)

OK, seriously. Somehow my views pretty much… fluctuate over time, if that’s a good word to use. By fluctuate I didn’t mean having myself being turned on and off all the time (sexually, as in). It’s more like… my views on sexual attraction and …

Currently the thing that I probably can’t find that resolve alone is the “physical closeness” (or “physical contact”): part of the desire that has been repressed for a long time. Apparently this does not exclude sex.

Thinking about it, it doesn’t have to be all that serious to achieve, really: physical contact as a friendly gesture doesn’t really require a lot of planning and thought, it’s more of a spontaneous act than anything. Probably that all I really need, to be honest.

The desire for sex is probably rooted more deeper… but it may as well be a by-product of something else. Probably because the easiest way to get the most physical contact is through this channel, as well as complete exploration and penetration of all dimensions of the body? It …

Been living as if I’m drifting afloat, trying to collect fragments along the way. Although from the outset it seems that nothing that happened, let alone a few slips of emotions… deep down I know there’s that inexpressible feelings… nor would it bring much help if I expressed it anyway. Besides… how “emptiness” can be expressed?

What about those heart pricks? Not something anybody could help, I think… at most they can do is just to ease the pain a little. At most people is capable to “understand” how you feel, but not being able to “share” the pain… as “pain” is something individual and cannot be shared.

Somehow I’m thinking whether my concept of “dying” means “not turning back”… if that’s the case, what’s the thing that was to …

… and I’m still on the roller coaster ride ;___;.

There’s times that I feel myself that I’d rather be “dead”, but by “dead”… what does it really means? Knowing that being “dead” in the normal sense (physically or emotionally [as in soulless]) isn’t going to help, the true meaning of the word is pretty much unknown.

There’s times that I feel that it’s not “fair” to me… but what does it really mean by being “fair”? Is it because I felt that the amount of pain and agony was too much to me? If it’s a result of comparison, I would not be fair either as there’s no way for me to really know how much pain that others have to go through, let alone judging it …

A few days ago I was chatting with Allen and we sort of come round about the discussion on the concept of love and self love. Although this is only part of the chat that we had, I think this portion has my arguments well formed enough to warrant a LJ post for my own reference. The user names are pretty self evident that no need for me to explain.

[Update @ 1:18am: This is the actual final version, been editing this error-prone log several times just now ^^||]

[Beginning of chat] (10:53:47) ♪.59: Maiden of Tears: Gabriella: felix
(10:54:13) Felix Leong: hmm?
(10:54:45) ♪.59: Maiden of Tears: Gabriella: umm just a thought, did u ever give u enough self love?
[Snipped to keep it short, but basically we noticed …

These days I can’t really write anything at the moment, it’s like… when I just had the idea for an impromptu post, a contradicting viewpoint just popped into my head which pretty invalidate myself in a way. Which made me think whether if they are really contradictory, why I’m able to have, and possibly exercise two different viewpoints. Is it depends on the situations that I’m in and different experiences that I had? Or probably I perceive things differently in different moods? (Does that make me fickle, in a sense?)

Somehow it seems that I portray myself differently with different people, somehow I’m wondering was it really me? Somehow I don’t feel like fake myself in anyway, at most I just keep some of my emotions and thoughts to …

Somehow I notice that my office phone extension number spells “O RLY”, I’m just slightly amused, I would say.

Currently feeling all malnourished, the heart, body and soul: as if I’m drifting afloat somewhere in nowhere. Somehow everything I perceived was like clouds and bubbles in front of me, sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn’t. Just felt like completely disconnected from life and there’s nothing that I can really hold on to.

… Think I’m starting to have a breakdown… what outcome does it lead to… I’m not even sure myself. Just hope that my mind can still hold on in its autopilot mode until I found the answer within myself.

“… Seemingly as if there’s no reason for me to stay, and yet at the same time there’s no reason for me to leave…”

Sounds like I’m stuck between a rock and hard place, isn’t it? Currently I’m just feeling a loss myself, searching for a resolve and yet not wanting to fill the empty void for the sake of filling it. Yes, to be honest I’m not used to having this kind of void within me, I can still feel the anguish and pain. But yet it’s not really something that you can label with absolute terms: judging whether it’s actually good or bad.

Somehow I notice that I’m hankering to find some sort of replacement to close up the void… Thinking about it now, it …

Optimistic and pessimistic, masculine and effeminate, active and passive… like the sun and the moon, I’m experience the cycle in which opposite traits appears at different times. Probably as an result, my mood swings from side to side, alternating between being in control and completely helpless.

At the same time… I’m starting to able to understand and experience the feelings and expressions of being heartbroken: feeling as if all hopes shattered, everything starts to lose it colours and fades away, no sensual pleasures can seem to stimulate me…

“… A void surrounds me… do I like it? Or do I hate it? Somehow at this time preference and judgement doesn’t seemed to matter any more…”

Somehow… I’m pretty much unsure what to really think about it, the two sides of mine. Yes …

Somehow these days I have been thinking about the concept of escapism… and probably with my current emotional stability, it’s probably not a good time to ponder about it. It’s not really thinking about escapism per se, but more like figuring out “reaching and being at the ultimate point of no return” (which is part of the transition poem, if somebody did notice). OK, probably “ultimate” is an exaggeration on my part, as I’m not even sure whether the concept of “ultimate” does really exist.

Come to think about it… I personally think, at least by my past action analysis, that I do have some form escapism tendencies. And it might have been right when Uncle Steven (a Chinese fortune telling practitioner that my mom knew) advised strongly against me exposing myself …