Lots of noise passing through me, unable to make any sound judgement without cooling myself down: Anguish, anger, aggression, pain, conflict, confusion…

Starting to see behind some habits that I’m having. Starting to see that a lot of things that I’m asking for was an extremely daunting task for a human. Thinking about it, even suppression can be a form of avoidance in facing a problem.

Come to think about it, it just seemed that no matter how much I rested, so long as the problems that I had remains unsolved, my energies will still get drained away quickly. So it’s still come backs to the fight and flight issue.

At the moment the key frustration of mine is my need for space: space for growth and space to move around. In …

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已经开始放弃了忘掉你的念头了。就在你拒绝了我，逃避着我的那天起，其实已经有了讨厌你的念头。一开始不就是这样吗？感觉来的那一天起，或许就已经不是单纯“喜欢／讨厌”的问题，而是又是喜欢又是讨厌的难堪了。就是因为太在乎你了，太喜欢你了，所以永远都不会原谅你了。

你在我心中的地位早已经无法磨灭了。

已经开始放弃了和你同在的梦想了。究竟选择权不是完全在我掌控之中，你喜欢不喜欢我是你天生俱来的权力。要是打开你的心扉的钥匙不在我那儿，狂乱的袭击你的大门或许有点乱来吧！所以也要尽自己所能去寻找吧！

就算最终伴随的不是你。

已经开始放弃了总有一天会坚强起来的诺言了。我会的东西只是逞强而已，真正的坚强我根本都不懂。逞强到来，你和另一个她的幸福的传闻偏偏就是我的致命伤。

还是生活过得自然好些吧！

或许那一天的到来已经不再重要了吧！就这样继续上路，学习看看身边的风景…默默地期许。

Just keeping things short, at the moment I’m finding myself facing the worst enemy in my life: myself. Struggling with the challenges in work and my personal life is never easy, as much as I hate to admit that. And through these I saw the weaker, incapable and immature side of myself, something that I hate to see the most… yet I have to accept these shortcomings and try my best to overcome them was really a test of endurance and will power.

In times like this… is it OK for me to give up? But it’s never going to solve anything but only to drive myself away and running away from life…

At the moment I was at a loss of what to do at the moment… or at least what I …

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Although I am perfectly fine now, yet from time to time, I still missed you. Although it seemed that I have already disassociated that special feeling with you, but somehow there’s times when I still remembered that feeling when I’m by your side.

“Did things ever change?”, I wondered. There are times when I reached out into the thin air, hoping of getting hold of something.

No matter how time has passed, seemingly some things never fades away.

Was just being by your side good enough, even though I’d never reach to you…? Somehow at the moment I just feel grateful that it had lasted a little while longer.

Until the day comes, I can only continue to pray that I will still continue to grow along my journey… that’s all to it.

或许，就是不断地
寻找着那个
自己无法达到的
 那个“自己”

偶然的瞬间
遇上了
在你身上找到
 “完美的自己”的味道

这是所谓的“爱”吗？
其实连自己也不怎么晓得
只晓得
拼命地去接近你
希望能够抓到些甚么
希望能够从你的观点视线中
 看到什么色彩

但是…
 世界不曾完美过

与你隔离的那一天起
从前你那笑颜未曾消失过
但也似乎回想起
 隐约无法表露地伤痛

是我的错觉吗？
 还是你也是在寻找着你的“完美”？

应该放弃吗？
应该绝望吗？
其实自己也仍然在犹豫徘徊着
究竟自己也不曾懂得
 两人之间的同感

或许…自己真的是不懂吧…
 或许…“爱”的，并不是“你”吧…

－ 给我对你的怀念而写，从中希望能够给予自己些不曾存在的安慰 －

Maybe, just restlessly
finding that
unattainable “self”

On that accidental moment
I found from you
that taste of the “perfect self”

Is it that’s what it had been called as “love”?
Actually I’m didn’t really understood myself
Only knew
to get close to you with all my might
Hoping that I’m able to grasp something
Hoping that from you point of view
(I’m) able to see some different colours

But…
the world was never perfect

From the day we separated
your smile in the past never …

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是否有想象过，渴望着“完美的情人”呢？一段似乎天衣无缝的恋情呢？

虽然如此想过，却始终无法成为你的完美。或许永远无法达到你的条件吧？或许早已经伤痕累累，最多也只能成为你的负累吗？

试问自己有那一天没想过你？似乎没一天不为现实感到无奈。似乎每一天都为别人能够轻易地从你身上得到我想要的东西而感到又羡慕又妒忌。

是自己无能吗？还是有些东西真的是可遇不可求？或许是后者吧，究竟还是不能勉强或命令人家的东西。

是真的很不甘心…

在这种状况中，自己能够做些甚么呢？希望些奇迹似乎太奢望了吧…希望这另一个“他”的出现也不是一样吗？

那所谓“爱”的养分，仍然还是寻觅着…

Did you ever imagined and desired “a perfect lover”? One love that was seamless?

Although I have thought of that before, but I never be able to become your perfection. Maybe (it’s because) I’m unable to fulfill your requirements forever? Or that I’m already scarred all over, at most I can be is your burden?

Trying to ask myself, when I never thought of you? It seemed that there’s no one day that I didn’t felt helpless towards reality. It seemed that everyday I felt jealous about the things from you that I wanted badly which are so easily obtainable by others …

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Just filling in some blanks: I was attending a very boring dinner for MMU’s 10th anniversary on Saturday and attended Seng Yaw’s (my colleague’s) wedding on Sunday and Monday. I stayed over at Eng Lee’s place together with Jenn Yeh and Seck Min so that pretty much explains why I wasn’t updating (or more like the reason for me not going on the Internet is because we spent time playing DotA instead :p). Pretty much I was in a photographing spree during the whole procession but it just seemed to me that wedding ceremonies (and add to the injury, Chinese traditional type) are just plain tiring X_X. With all the hustle and bustle around, probably those who felt happy were the only ones who would enjoy it… at least that …

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其实自己真的是一个很讨厌又很怕麻烦的人。所以好多时候，好多东西也不敢去接近，不敢去尝试。结果自己会觉得有点一事无成，没什么特别的进步与成就，活着一个胆小鬼的生活。

同一个时间自己也是很怕别人麻烦的人。所以好多时候，才会回想以前自己无心又无自觉意识地去多管别人的小事的时候。

结果？反而带给自己不少麻烦与不便，还处处碰钉子。（或许吧…^^||，至少现在是酱子觉得）

啊…其实是很厌倦这种停留在原点的日子吧！是心理作用吗？连自己也不怎么晓得…但或许麻烦是不能避免的吧！自己能够学习去欣然接受它吗？真的是时候反省反省下。

Actually I’m really someone who despises and afraid of getting into troubles. Therefore a lot of times, there’s a lot of things that I dare not approach and try/experiment. In the end I felt a bit like being unaccomplished, without any special improvements and accomplishments, living a life of timidness.

At the same time I’m also somehow who’s afraid of others being into problems. Therefore a lot of times, I recalled back the times when I was, without any ill intentions or self-awareness, being a busybody to others.

In the end? I ended up bringing myself enough troubles and inconvenience, not to mention that I felt obstructed along …

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“… Is it that… what I wished for… is humanly impossible…?”

Sensing the potentiality, but yet no guides on how to reach there…
Will you want to explore? Will you take that adventure?
At times it’s only certain that I’ll be lost in such a distant place
In the midst of nowhere
Rushing restlessly… directionless…
Lingering on things that seemingly able cling on to
Only to realize the millions of illusions around me

“… What does it really mean… by penetrating deeply…?”

Time and time again, finding myself forming ideas
Likes clouds on the sky, gathering at one time… dispersing in another
Finding myself mistaken things every once in a while
Times that I thought I knew,
then came times when invalidation tears everything apart
In the end, what do I really have?
Only the …

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当自己认为自己没什么大问题当时，实际上是如此吗？ 虽然自己对人说“没问题”的那时，心中还是感到彷徨：仍然怀疑着自己以后是否还能支撑下去。

是担心未来的未知数吗？还是不能表露脆弱显得比较痛苦？ 似乎自己坚强的背后，仍然还是希望得到一些关怀安慰；每一句话的背后，隐隐还是透漏些小小的期望。

The time when I think that I’m OK, is it really the case? Although when I say “no problem”, deep down I’m still feeling anxious: still suspicious whether I can still hold on like this in the future.

Is it that I’m worrying about the uncertainties of the future? Or is it that it’s more painful when I can’t show my fragility? Seems that behind my strong exterior, I’m still wishing to be cared and consoled; behind every sentence, there’s still some small hopes hidden behind them.