心中的彷徨失措，有谁能够体会到？是孤寂在作祟吗？还是自己害怕心中被压抑的黑暗面？

梦醒时分，只是感觉到自己身上的冷汗，自己迅速的喘气声。

The helpless feeling of aimlessness, can anybody understand what I’m feeling right now? Is it caused by loneliness? Or is it that I’m afraid of the darker side of me which has been suppressed until now?

By the time I woke up from my dream, I can only feel the cold sweat on my body, and my fast, panting voice.

When the haze has clouded your sight, let the rain to clear away the dust to let the sun shine through.

Reaching here, only I notice that there’s always a beginning and never an end. Like a constant flow, everything moves on at its own pace, never once leaving a trace, yet never once leaves without leaving an influence.

This, is the infinite energies of living.

Everything starts like a beginning of a carnival, with all the glamour and splendor that sparks in the events of excitement.

Yet like the grand fireworks blasted to mark the end of it, all the light speckle seems to dim away in the vast darkness.

As everything fades away, I kept on wondering… am I living in a dream, or am I dreaming a beautiful live?

… I’m now staring a blank sky, feeling my hands slightly trembling as I feel the light fades in my heart…

Without any concious effort or thoughts, feelings seems to resurface from depths.

The feeling of heartaches pricking… A sorrow without tears… A fear of the unknown…

The very same feeling that seems to revisit every once in a while… gradually decreasing in intensity but yet will not perish… like the ripples of the pond which which reverberate on the vast surface…

Who am I in the eyes of others? Am I being my true self, or is it just a mere act on my part to reveal only the best in me? Why is it that I’m so concerned about my actions to a point of perfectionism where no mistakes is allowed? Is it that hard to take valid criticism with an open heart without being defensive?

Coming back… what is the “true self” in the first place…?

I’m feeling happy today, that’s pretty much what I have to say regarding today. Somehow seeing the happiness in an environment and the smiles on the people around you are really irreplaceable and priceless. And the pride I had for my family has always gave me a lot of strength to go through a lot of hardships as well as making me proud for who I am and where I came from.

But somehow at this moment of extreme joy, for some reason that I’m a little bit concerned about the well being of others. Probably I’m just a worry-wart from the start, but somehow… to what extent that we should be concerned about others, especially when it comes to things that are outside your own reach of control or of …

Somehow I’m experiencing one of the most mystifying experience in my whole life that I really don’t know whether I should take this seriously or not (regardless whether it is actually true or not, but normally I’ll take whatever people say as the truth by default with a pinch of salt. Of course unless I sense untruthfulness in someone).

Personally due to my fear of some superstitions which is unknown to me, I’m not giving away what is happening which came out with my question for today. But I believe just stating what I’m feeling now as a question shouldn’t be much a problem seeing that it will not bring harm to others. Anyway, the question I would like to pose here is really something that relates to what …

I think I’m running out of brain juice to elaborate my thoughts to a complete drifting thought post, so I came up with a new title instead. Well… this is mainly due to the fact that I believe that I have a lot of ideas and thoughts that I want to further develop and yet I forget after letting it slip through after a certain period of time.

So the question for today is: How do we define as being overly critical to oneself? More often than not, some of us would probably experience times when we feel inferior at some point of life that we react (or respond, depending on one’s perception) in some way or the other. And one of these reaction/responses is to be critical to oneself. And as …

For those who didn’t notice, my user info basically reflects a lot on myself… and the direction of my own life. My LJ is pretty much a record of my own journeys, which pretty much reflects on my own life from many aspects. And every single post has been done with a lot of heart and soul poured into every single word choice.

I believe it’s time to change it… To signify another milestone.

For those who didn’t get to read the first version (I’m taking it down), here it is, accompanying version 2 at the bottom.

Chapter 1: Jan‘04

A computer science student bored out of his mind
Ends up deciding to trying to inject words into describing his already boring personal life:

Perhaps I’m just waiting for …