Well… I haven’t updated anything last week, but nothing worthwhile happened and I wanted a break from having drifting thoughts, so that’s what happened. ^^||

Last Friday was our company’s annual dinner and to be honest, well… it’s… pretty… boring -_-||. It’s like… everything is just OK: we had our dinner at one good hotel, but it’s not splendid; the food is nice, but they aren’t special (just a typical Chinese 9-course dinner); the entertainment were nice, but I’m not awe-struck; the prizes for the raffle draw were expensive (at least the main prizes), but they aren’t exciting. I mean, the whole event is just “good” but not great, IMHO… well, maybe I’m just expecting something more than that, I guess. If I were to count …

I’m not sure whether I had mentioned it before, I always see things as some sort of calculated risk: if there’s something new in front of me, I wouldn’t jump right into it but to think it through carefully. If I’m sure that I’m capable to take up the risk and possible damages, then I’ll pick that up.

However, at the moment… there’s things that I wanted to commit myself in life, and yet I can’t seem to assess the risk properly and take action with any confidence. Which pretty much leads to an agonizing irritation within me… not liking the feeling of not able to take any sort of action that leads to something. As much it’s some sort of a very good protection to …

Yesterday I was there at 1 Utama (Malaysia’s largest shopping complex, doing my CNY shopping. And I was excited by the fact that I managed to buy all my clothes and a pair of new shoes within a short period of time, which does made me wonder whether I should have came here sooner in the first place. Well… at least I know where should I get my casual clothes next time :).

Then I proceed to the new year countdown event there, I’m not really the kind of person who’d enjoy concerts, basically my own motive is to see the firework display. Or probably I just felt out of place, as I see everyone around me were enjoying themselves and had fun with their friends and family. In contrast, I find myself …

I think I’m too attached to that someone whom I don’t even know whether it is possible to be together with. (or in other words that I liked someone too deeply) As much as I would acknowledge the fact that it has been a while I felt this way and this is definitely not the first time.

Not sure whether is it that I’m malnourished in this department…

Probably I’m dwelling in the past? Somehow I’m currently feeling pessimistic as I’m worrying whether I would never be able to share a deeper connection with a special somebody. Either I’m just human or that I’m ego-centric… sigh as if there’s actually a way to tell what the future holds.

But somehow I noticed that things were going …

How important is “meaning” in our own daily life? That’s what I’m thinking now as I was feeling sort of demotivated in whatever I’m doing now. Or rather should I ask, do everything that I do really need to have “meaning” behind it? (well… either way would do)

Ever experience times when you are extremely motivated of something because of a certain reason, and only to realise that either that particular something wasn’t as important as you think, or probably worse, that you are just deluded? And by further deduction that you ended up with a conclusion that everything (or at least things that, by your own perception, mattered the most) that you thought was important wasn’t actually the case? Well… in a way, that’s how I feel in …

Let me just summarize my current life in a whole (which pretty much covers how I think and felt during the past few week - months):

Of working life:

It’s really hard to say whether I’m happy or not, to be honest, but so it seemed that I’m starting to have some dissatisfaction on my own. Not really sure whether it’s because I took up something that over-exceeds my “acceptable” workload… but what indeed happened is that my comfort zone was completely destroyed. I’m still particularly getting used to communicating with other people, which is still stressing me out for some reasons (because I’m anti-social or something?).

So… currently it’s not particularly a good sight, at least from my own point of view, I’m starting to get overly …

If you opened your heart to everything in the world, what will you see…?

If there really exist such a thing as “reincarnation”, given a choice, will you want to be reincarnated…?

什么才是真正的“归宿感”？

What can be really called “feeling at home”?

Probably that’s what I’m feeling at the moment… or even something that has been my truest feeling since that day. Sometimes it just seems that no matter how I tried, I just can’t get that particular “Aha!” moment that just makes everything click.

Sometimes I just wondered, is it really that hard to like/love someone? It just seems easier to feel liked by somebody, but when it comes to have someone to like myself, it’s just plain hard. Probably because it’s something that can be force… well, that’s what I think at the moment.