Been living as if I’m drifting afloat, trying to collect fragments along the way. Although from the outset it seems that nothing that happened, let alone a few slips of emotions… deep down I know there’s that inexpressible feelings… nor would it bring much help if I expressed it anyway. Besides… how “emptiness” can be expressed?

What about those heart pricks? Not something anybody could help, I think… at most they can do is just to ease the pain a little. At most people is capable to “understand” how you feel, but not being able to “share” the pain… as “pain” is something individual and cannot be shared.

Somehow I’m thinking whether my concept of “dying” means “not turning back”… if that’s the case, what’s the thing that was to …

… and I’m still on the roller coaster ride ;___;.

There’s times that I feel myself that I’d rather be “dead”, but by “dead”… what does it really means? Knowing that being “dead” in the normal sense (physically or emotionally [as in soulless]) isn’t going to help, the true meaning of the word is pretty much unknown.

There’s times that I feel that it’s not “fair” to me… but what does it really mean by being “fair”? Is it because I felt that the amount of pain and agony was too much to me? If it’s a result of comparison, I would not be fair either as there’s no way for me to really know how much pain that others have to go through, let alone judging it …

These days I can’t really write anything at the moment, it’s like… when I just had the idea for an impromptu post, a contradicting viewpoint just popped into my head which pretty invalidate myself in a way. Which made me think whether if they are really contradictory, why I’m able to have, and possibly exercise two different viewpoints. Is it depends on the situations that I’m in and different experiences that I had? Or probably I perceive things differently in different moods? (Does that make me fickle, in a sense?)

Somehow it seems that I portray myself differently with different people, somehow I’m wondering was it really me? Somehow I don’t feel like fake myself in anyway, at most I just keep some of my emotions and thoughts to …

Somehow I notice that my office phone extension number spells “O RLY”, I’m just slightly amused, I would say.

Currently feeling all malnourished, the heart, body and soul: as if I’m drifting afloat somewhere in nowhere. Somehow everything I perceived was like clouds and bubbles in front of me, sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn’t. Just felt like completely disconnected from life and there’s nothing that I can really hold on to.

… Think I’m starting to have a breakdown… what outcome does it lead to… I’m not even sure myself. Just hope that my mind can still hold on in its autopilot mode until I found the answer within myself.

“… Seemingly as if there’s no reason for me to stay, and yet at the same time there’s no reason for me to leave…”

Sounds like I’m stuck between a rock and hard place, isn’t it? Currently I’m just feeling a loss myself, searching for a resolve and yet not wanting to fill the empty void for the sake of filling it. Yes, to be honest I’m not used to having this kind of void within me, I can still feel the anguish and pain. But yet it’s not really something that you can label with absolute terms: judging whether it’s actually good or bad.

Somehow I notice that I’m hankering to find some sort of replacement to close up the void… Thinking about it now, it …

Optimistic and pessimistic, masculine and effeminate, active and passive… like the sun and the moon, I’m experience the cycle in which opposite traits appears at different times. Probably as an result, my mood swings from side to side, alternating between being in control and completely helpless.

At the same time… I’m starting to able to understand and experience the feelings and expressions of being heartbroken: feeling as if all hopes shattered, everything starts to lose it colours and fades away, no sensual pleasures can seem to stimulate me…

“… A void surrounds me… do I like it? Or do I hate it? Somehow at this time preference and judgement doesn’t seemed to matter any more…”

Somehow… I’m pretty much unsure what to really think about it, the two sides of mine. Yes …

Somehow these days I have been thinking about the concept of escapism… and probably with my current emotional stability, it’s probably not a good time to ponder about it. It’s not really thinking about escapism per se, but more like figuring out “reaching and being at the ultimate point of no return” (which is part of the transition poem, if somebody did notice). OK, probably “ultimate” is an exaggeration on my part, as I’m not even sure whether the concept of “ultimate” does really exist.

Come to think about it… I personally think, at least by my past action analysis, that I do have some form escapism tendencies. And it might have been right when Uncle Steven (a Chinese fortune telling practitioner that my mom knew) advised strongly against me exposing myself …

Been pondering for a bit, somehow Ron Kaufman‘s analogy on personal responsibility just came back to me suddenly (which gave me a great impact when I first heard it from his seminar tapes shown in the bookstore). Somehow eventually in due to course of time, I have forgotten it, so I think it’s a good idea to put it up here.

I still remembered¹ that he talks about the fact that when in comes to constantly improve oneself in order to provide good service to others, taking personal responsibility to change and going the extra mile is extremely important. However, some would tend to avoid that kind of responsibility when something is wrong, and hence fall through three stages of denial.

The first is “Shame”, which we feel shameful that we had …

“…As times passes by, everything will start to set in… and will eventually fade away into the open skies…”

As everything starts to unfold, it seems that it is inevitable… or probably the best thing for both of us, is to keep a distance between us, more of an emotional distance than a physical one, in a way. But at the same time… a void has been created within me as my daily routine was now changed. The opportunity for me to have him close to me for a full 30 minutes most of the time have pretty much been diminished… which is a big void which I don’t think I’ll be able to replace for a long time. Unless if there’s some sort of special development of events, of course, but …

Life’s going on as usual, with everything’s OK on the outset. Is it that I became stronger? Or that I didn’t really cared? Or I have gotten used to live with my heart wounded?

As much it’s not being expressed in anyway, I know that small sadness that sounds like a whimper, that ache that seems to have everything ground to diamond dust… those familiar little feelings within.

“…Life have to go on, no matter how the circumstances are at the moment…”

Is it that I’m starting to get used to this kind of feeling? Or is it that I have endured the greatest pain way before yesterday: rehearsed to a point that it seemed more bearable?

“… Am I more happier this way…?”

“… If I were to move forward, where …