Just feeling a bit pessimistic today over the possibility that the users are giving another chance at the system that used to be under my care last year. Not exactly sure why… is it because I don’t have confidence in the system, or that I don’t have confidence within myself. It seemed more so like the latter than the former, and probably I’m a bit anxious as well… probably fear would be a better word.

Well… that’s something that I have to overcome. I really wondered whether I really learnt my lessons for the past few years, it just feels as if not only I’m not progressing, I’m deteriorating in many ways.

Thinking about it, actually there’s a few issues that I start to notice that I’m …

Probably I was the one who chose the path to be alone most of the time, either I’m aware of the fact or not. However, being human, I also desired for support and care from others. Maybe I’m not that well in expressing myself? (Hmm… not sure what is cause and what is effect, seems that both are chained together in some way or the other)

I do wonder, whether is it possible to find a certain person: a great resonance, a great harmony between two? Someone that I’m able to grow together with in an internal sense? Just felt that there’s no way to reach a conclusion other than a continuous searching which might prove to be fruitless.

Other than that, it just remains a possibility. Nothing else than that.

Just sort of came to me… the question on how we form a certain “model” of the world: our so-called “world view”. With the monstrous amount of information being fed to us (not to mention their own validity and correctness was not put into consideration) and the intensity of influences that not only mould our experiences but also forms the basis of our current thoughts and actions, the “influential” factors that forms our perceptions seemed to be infinite.

Tackling these issues from both intellectual and experiential “processing”, I’m starting to wonder how much “reliability” that our “interpretations” actually have? After all, there’s only that much past data can be relied on as the situations changes over time, not to mention all the noise and ambiguity is more likely to corrupt “reality” as soon …

There’s a lot of times that I ponder “… What if I’m not able to attain/obtain (something)…?” It sort of funny as most of the time, I didn’t need that particular “something” if only survival is concerned; in a way most of the times that particular “something” was actually a luxury (in any form, physical, emotional or even spiritual). But… I don’t know, I think I had said this before, if all it is to it to living is just merely “survival”, probably there’s aren’t really any “meaning” to live. Yet what does “meaning” really “means”? How much “weight” does it hold? How “valuable” will it be? Probably the answer will be different for everybody, but I had the impression that it only had “value” in the moments of …

“… I’m feeling… empty…”

Somehow all this while the feeling of “emptiness” was a topic that I brought out often, in a way I was questioning about the meaning of “existence”. It’s like… one of those questions that the answer is known but yet can’t be explain in some concrete way. And any sort of enquiry just seemed to put myself in some logic trap that goes no where.

Somehow I can’t seem to find a valid reference point in structuring my current thoughts… I’m not really sure whether is it because of my over-zealousness in trying to obtain the “absolute truth of existence”. But yet the very questioning and doubt of the reliability my own experiences and perception was, by itself, the very form that clouds that “absolute truth of …

It had been years, yet I can’t seem to figure out what aching pain is. What is it that I hate about this pain… why is it that I wanted it to go away yet it can’t? Somehow the sight of a possible answer has yet to be seen…

Is it about losing the other? Losing the so-called notion of “love feeling”. But in a way I knew that I have overcame that but yet the pain is still felt. Is it because of my insistence to associate this unknown pain as an “emotional” one? But thinking about it, if I have knew that it’s not the other who causes the pain, then the responsibility can’t be on anyone but myself. But somehow I can’t seem to get it right …

Not in a good mood today, things just seemed a bit bleak to me. Somehow been thinking, there’s quite a lot of things and arguments that I have been thinking, which through logical deduction and piecing together various pieces of my own memory and experience seems to disproves and invalidates the existence of positive things. And that all the good, beautiful, positive things that I knew may as well be a fallacy on its own. Probably in another way of putting it is that whatever pleasures that come through our senses, once looked into deeply, was nothing more than just a temporal satisfaction of our own desires and only a validation of our own egos and expectation.

But yet, despite that, I also come to a mutual contradiction in which I knew and experienced …

As much life’s pretty much the same (Duh! How many times do I have to repeat this, let alone using it as an opening repeatedly ^^||), things were a little different from within. Just didn’t feel all like my usual self, so to speak… yet it’s not something that can be labelled as good or bad. Just… moving forward, I guess… if that’s a good way of explaining it.

Somehow have been thinking… what is it like to be “awake”, what is it like to be “asleep”? Being “asleep” is more easily defined in the sense that it’s not hard to observe times when we are completely unconscious, but how far the scope of “asleep” can be? By what you’d define as “unconscious”? If whatever we do, probably out of …

Sit down, relax, meditate… umm, probably not ^^||. But it’s true that I’m starting to wander deep, notice the subtle changes within myself a bit more. Although it’s more general in saying that in noticing the changes of my emotions and feelings with all the things surrounds and/or happening to me, more directly speaking that most of my attention goes to the physical/sexual dimension of things.

(What a good way to rationalise myself about me starting to noticing more male bodies around me? XD)

OK, seriously. Somehow my views pretty much… fluctuate over time, if that’s a good word to use. By fluctuate I didn’t mean having myself being turned on and off all the time (sexually, as in). It’s more like… my views on sexual attraction and …

Currently the thing that I probably can’t find that resolve alone is the “physical closeness” (or “physical contact”): part of the desire that has been repressed for a long time. Apparently this does not exclude sex.

Thinking about it, it doesn’t have to be all that serious to achieve, really: physical contact as a friendly gesture doesn’t really require a lot of planning and thought, it’s more of a spontaneous act than anything. Probably that all I really need, to be honest.

The desire for sex is probably rooted more deeper… but it may as well be a by-product of something else. Probably because the easiest way to get the most physical contact is through this channel, as well as complete exploration and penetration of all dimensions of the body? It …