Been doing some computer cleanup during the weekends, so probably you’ll only see me soonest by tonight, if anything.

Other than that, I sort of wondered about my closeted behaviour, as in not acting and enforcing my own beliefs in the presence of others. Or in a way that I sort of slacked my own standards in some situations.

But anyway, I’ll leave it at that at the moment. I wondered why the necessity of courage when wanting to come in terms of ourselves (of forgiveness and acceptance). From a logical point of view, it just appeared to be that the thing that we thought to be as “myself” is more than one entity, which does not make any sense from that point of view.

Since when that complexity came into the picture …

Seemed that all the stuff that I’m striving for is part of my own construction plan of my world. But honestly speaking I’m pretty much living in one myself. ^-^||

I don’t know, it just seemed that most of my time I’m either wandering around in my thoughts or that I gaze over beautiful scenery that surrounds me. But rarely humans (yes, the collective noun) was my point of concentration, except those within the 20m perimeter that would prevent me from some embarrassing bumping. But I didn’t really take much notice on them, really.

Honestly the only time when I really paid attention to humans (damn it’s starting to sound very… err, dehumanizing? XD) is when I was engaged with them in some way, usually due to the need of …

“As long as you are happy…”

Somehow thinking about the word “happy”, it seemed that I’m starting to wonder whether I’m starting to become unable to comprehend that simple word anymore. More like I’m unable to associate anything with that word anymore… which makes the meaning unclear to myself anymore. Does that mean that I was unhappy? Not really, to be honest. Yes, I do have my fits of frustration and sadness, but that doesn’t really make my life an unhappy one.

But somehow, it’s like… the word had its meaning devoided from me. It’s like, I still know what is “happy” and “sad” in an emotional sense, but the frailty of such experience just made me felt that probably there’s more to the word “happiness”. Having that …

One week of stress test ended yesterday, but somehow the whole thing is just tiring X_X||. Lethargy is getting the better of me, I think. But I did manage to handle it quite well, I think. Most of the time I find myself using my half-assed Cantonese interacting with the people involved. Talk about an opportunity to practise it, as much I only consider it to be just “survival Cantonese” ^^||.

But what I did end up with a bunch of stuff that I have to followup as a result of the stress test, I’m going to be busy for a while, so it seemed. Not particularly sure how I felt about it, to be honest. It’s basically an unknown territory to me, and I did had a strong opinion to not liking these …

Still dealing with my issues with communications and dealing with people (read: users and people who I’m supposed to cooperate with).

Today’s pretty much a tiring day, setting up the environment for testing next week. Thankfully Eng Lee was with me helping out with everything, it’d be extremely tiresome doing everything on my own. Not to mention that having the monitor on the carpeted floor means that my neck is definitely strained. Ouch…

Somehow the situation is really stressing and shaking up my ideas of my own comfort zone. I mean, it is a defensive mechanism all right, but the challenge is to know what were false alarms is an art by itself. To me, dealing with people was the my least exercised skill throughout my whole life and asking me to …

Today’s a mess, at least to me. As I feel dealing with people while threading on delicate matters was extremely overwhelming to a point that I felt beaten. And I really hate if I screwed up something (but definitely I had screwed up myself many times over). It’s still the greatest barrier/challenge that I’m still finding myself struggling to overcome.

At the moment, to be honest, I’m not feeling optimistic at all. There’s a lot of times when I thought to myself “I can’t take it anymore!”, “I give up!”… But somehow I still moved on. Somehow it’s like the more I hold on to it, the more I’m starting to see my own escapist mentality: feeling of wanting to disappear from the world. But from …

Let’s see… that’d be getting my passport tomorrow, ask and make sure whether I got my income tax right and pay for it, cancel two cards…

Still having some problems in dealing with the anxiety I had when it comes to talk to people that I don’t know. Although in a way that my job sometimes requires me to do so, I tend to get so anxious about it that I’d rather avoid them and let others help me with it. rolls eyes Yeah, I know… it’s not really healthy, in a way: as if I see those customers/authorities were “scary”. Not really sure whether experience and exposing myself to more people would be any help, I don’t know, it just seems that I need some sort of …

“Until now… my wish that my feelings would one day be reciprocated will come true… still remains…”

Pretty much I’m on my own most of the time, trying to figure things out on my own along the way. Not that I got used to it or anything… it’s more of the fact that I didn’t have much of a choice… or at least I’m not aware of any alternatives. As much as I would like it to be otherwise, I was in the belief that if the opportunity was not present, I can’t do much but to find where the opportunity or its alternatives lies.

“Running and resting, again and again, that’s how I’m living at the moment. Have I forgotten to stop not for the reason of …

Until now, I always say to myself and mentioning to others (when asked) that all my present thoughts and philosophies are mostly just my own Utopian hypothesis rather than experience, and hence don’t really vouch/rely on them. Somehow I sensed and aware of the potential yet reaching them is another matter, and through lots of failures in life there’s quite a lot of time when I doubt myself: wanting to give up halfway. But what “halfway” really means? For one thing there’s no way of being certain of where the end is unless: 1. it’s a line which we have drawn upon in our own perception, which may or may not be the truth, 2. it’s a dead end.

Did wonder whether I’m getting a bit overzealous with …

A lot of times, I just sat down there and just trying to figure out all those raw signals within me: subtle physical signs, raw emotions and feelings. And there are quite a few of these sensations that I can’t figure out the what’s and why’s, I did wondered whether I should be visiting a doctor instead ^^||.

Somehow at the moment I’m trying to look deep into my own sexual dimension at the moment, trying to observe my own senses and sensuality. The subtle things behind my sexuality, so to speak. I was wondering about the seeking the “depth” within from sexual experiences, I don’t really know how to explain this, but it seemed possible, or probably that I’m seeking it actually, a so-called… say, “spiritual penetration” (for lack …