It’s been a while I didn’t use the friends-only tag, but considering the sensitivity of the post which discloses quite a fair deal of personal history, I guess it has to be posted as friends only (which is outside the loop of my real-life social circle). But just to be safe, I had LJ-cut it, as much as it’s only a deep discussions with my thoughts about sex, attraction and the the possibility of love which may or may not arise from such urges.

Note: I did some small edits which I filter out the introductory fluff and some annoying error messages and added some translation notes

Update (29 Aug): Did some editing and I’m surprised that I accidentally deleted two sentences that were quite important (but it only amounts …

This is an extract (or only partial) of my theories regarding view emotional support as pillars, which is basically in the form of an MSN conversation with Allen.

(01:57:03) Allen: and this morning after i read that message, i ws even thinking of running to my ex to seek comfort (01:57:07) Allen: eeks (01:57:09) Allen: lol! (01:57:18) Felix Leong: i’d say it’s normal (01:57:26) Allen: all the social connection are online (01:57:31) Felix Leong: after all, at one point your ex was a very strong emotional support (01:57:50) Felix Leong: compared to the likes of myself being a normal friend who shared heart to heart talks (01:58:18) Felix Leong: that’s how emotional support pillars work (01 …

(11:56:38) Felix Leong: been at the stage which i found a major stumbling block in life
(11:56:56) Felix Leong: a roof that i can’t seem to penetrate and i’m already feeling demotivated to move on
(11:57:32) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: why not just go around it on the other way?
(11:57:53) Felix Leong: reducing the blog updates does help to sort out things a little, but a resolution can’t seem to be found
(11:58:01) Felix Leong: the other way?
(11:58:39) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: like using other method to get thru it
(11:59:47) Felix Leong: well… at the moment i still find finding the other method is very tough
(12:00:01) Felix Leong: since i …

(11:27:26) Felix Leong: i think the thing is that you just have to get the best that you can grab and try to improve on the situation
(11:27:37) Felix Leong: a perfect scenario can only happen with great luck
(11:28:02) Felix Leong: can’t expect everything falling right into the picture frame squarely, right?
(11:28:25) Felix Leong: sometimes life is more like a messed up jigsaw puzzle than anything
(11:28:52) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: and a long way to walk b4 reaching the destination
(11:28:54) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: bleh
(11:28:56) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: lol!
(11:28:59) Felix Leong: yea
(11:29:14) Felix Leong: sometimes i felt frustrated over that aspect of life
11:30 …

Recently felt as if I’m constantly toeing the line on several things that concerns with interaction with other people. Holding myself back, if I were to put it another way. As much when it comes to dealing with people, usually it’s always a give and take scenario in finding a win-win scenario between both parties, however, when it comes to the “giving in” part, sometimes I just felt having difficulty in finding the justifiable degree of giving in actually. Well… honestly speaking, there’s things that I don’t mind compromising and there’s things that I’m extremely stubborn about. (always in the extreme ends but never in-between?)

However, a lot of times when I personally finding difficulty in convincing people, I’d rather give in than putting up a fight. Especially …

These few days I have pretty much tapped my mental financial calculators with great intensity, attempting to formulate a fail-safe plan (the holy grail?) which might be bring myself to “financial freedom”.

Thinking about it, I’m not even sure whether is it actually something extremely realistic (ala risk management) or is it just one form of escape to subdue my own insecurities. ^-^|| Let’s go into the topic of “financial freedom”, what does it mean by this “hip” terminology? At the moment, I interpret it as being able to sustain my own living plus some small luxuries (to fancy my whims?) for a predetermined amount of years even without a constant of inflow of active income (i.e. work).

Now, putting that definition in mind, now the fun starts: How many years of expenses …

一直以来，都以为很努力的去守护着…

因为害怕失去，所以很努力地慢慢地建立保护自己觉得重要的东西的防范。若是有一天可以安心的让它飞翔的那刻，或许自己也可以放下一切，感觉到无限的喜悦吧…

但是，需要守护的东西太多，更加知道失去是一个无法避免否认的可能性。需要无限的精力与时间，对人来说，是一个不可能的条件…吧？在有限的精神，好多时候也忘记了…自己也是需要被守护的东西。

…若是真的是这样，真的…行吗…？

Seemed that I’m starting to notice the importance of “focus”: the key driving element of completing or achieving something. Pretty much more obvious with my studies on the Japanese language itself, it seemed that a vast improvement is possible because most of my free time was dedicated solely on my own studies.

Contrasting it with my short-lived learning attempts (on various things) in the past, it just seemed that I pretty much dabble on several stuff at once, which in the end not even one skill was realized at all. Mainly due to the fact that when concentration was divided into several tanks, it drains my own motivation very quickly as I find myself either losing interest or that being neglected when things gets overwhelming, especially when it comes to work. Now that I …

Hmm… where I was these days? Well, every day seemed normal except for yesterday which I was volunteering for the 2007 Buddhist Cultural and Art Festival :).

But the main thing is that these days I’m pretty much in my reflective mood, but somehow I just felt as if I’m living in a completely separate dimension. Was I completely alienated by others? Or that my life is lacking any sort of meaningful human interaction? Not sure whether is it really a problem… I mean, life does lack a lot of colours when there’s no human interaction and connections, but yet… it’s not really a life and death situation, it’s more like… how should I put it… How much soul nutrients does one really need? From a normal standpoint, the current situation …

Sometimes when it comes to the challenges that I’m personally facing now, sort of thinking “Is there something that can be done about it?” or that “It seemed can’t be helped (but to face/avoid it)”. At times I do wonder the “what if’s” from the potential choices that I was given at different point of time. As much the outcome are way beyond my imagination anyway.

If I were not to be able to get the things I wanted from the path that I have chosen, does it make it a bad choice (or a mistake on my part)? Given the experience that I’m having now at that time, would I made a different choice?

It just appeared to me that it’s impossible to make a completely informed choice …