Currently I’m facing the greatest life lessons in life: one of the greatest challenge that I feared the most and find myself being the most unprepared. It’s not a challenge that I can describe in a few words as I’m unable to contain such multi-faceted situation in a certain box. What I really hope that I’m not getting into, now by necessity, becomes the most vital lessons that I have to learn now.

This pretty much opens a whole new, unknown world to me which I can no longer predict what the future holds: as my decision now will drive and mould what I’ll be from now on.

If I were to really pinpoint what the challenge was, it was getting over the fear of my very own expansion that …

Currently the main thing that has been pretty much bugging me at the moment is the issue of understanding and sorting out signals. Just personally find it pretty hard to differentiate such subtle matters, really: what it seemed may not be what it really meant. And there’s another noise factor as well: my own perceptions and emotions in relation to a particular situation.

Not really that I bothered about it most of the time really, but when it comes to something that I am attracted to, I personally find myself in a limbo of doubt and ecstasy. Withheld by past fears perhaps? Or I just need to be assured in order to really relax? But somehow without me taking the initiative to get concrete answers, that probably make things unnecessarily complicated… isn’t it …

While we are starting to reach towards the holiday season, a couple of work items seems to be creeping in to a point that requires haste. Not that I’m working in a company that was in a seasonal business, apparently it just happened that everything seemed to fall on the end of the year and quite honestly it seemed to show signs of either us being understaffed and probably some inefficiency as well.

So in a way, my brain was so focused on getting work done that I rarely had time to think anything else. Even during my spare time, I find games like Sudoku, Solitaire and Minesweeper extremely calming as I have my main processor (read: the brain) shielded off from distraction and focusing on solving things.

Not really sure how to describe …

最近似乎写不出什么东西：太零碎的，不写（屑？）；不想太陈腔滥调；有些想法有时复杂得我也不知道如何下笔。

是生活开始变得无趣吗？也不见得，究竟和情感世界沾上了边怎样都会精彩一点。或许开始过于顾忌自己该些什么，不该写什么的？有些时候也难免，其实基本上只是不想张扬太琐碎的起伏（不管是吹牛或出气，到头来也只是放屁）。

但如此一讲，当自己慢慢的简略了好多事的时候，是否代表我其实开始忘了些什么吗…？

\－重要的意义－

Was at my hometown for the past three days: the place that I typically go back to unwind.

Honestly speaking although I was recharged considerably in a physical sense, the idle times that I’m capable to afford by being at my parent’s place really unleashed the demons within me. Well… not really actually “demons”, but more like the internal emotional turmoils that I find myself in: Murkiness of the heart, uncertainty of thoughts and fear of the unknown. As I find myself continuously fighting with myself (i.e. achieving ideals vs. meeting social expectation) over the things that I have been harping on for almost half a decade. Undeniably the greatest blockage at the moment is greatly regarding personal views conflicting my own perceptions: What could I possibly do when I find myself …

… Finally I got my personal life back this week after managing to get my work done slightly after the deadline, which is a really much needed relief (that I can have my personal time back). But as posted previously, that is completely ruined by the flu that I got since Sunday, even until now some remnants of flu symptoms still remains while my immune system is struggling to fight back. But it was pretty evident that stress is indeed damaging to one’s health, and I’m pretty surprised how much sickness can be put at bay with great determination and keeping tabs with one’s lifestyle choices. But then again, given the possibility, it’s clearly evident that managing one’s workload and time can potentially save myself from having such incidents occurring again …

At times, I sometimes reached the conclusion that many psychologists had reach: that life is suffering and not worth living, that life is mere pain and happiness is nothing more than just an illusion that we fed ourselves for self-consolation.

Those were the times when I was down.

But there’s many times that I have touched on the issue, that optimism and pessimism is nothing more of projection of the unknown future based on whatever we had experienced, perceived and told about. And such behavioural traits (or train of thoughts, if you like to put it that way) can only be possible under two conditions: 1. your pleasures were dependent on your well-being (who isn’t, anyway) 2. you’ll live (which is something that is highly possible and sudden deaths were typically statistically …

At the moment, just feeling that my life is transitioning itself into a different chapter. I do have to admit that a fair bit of emotional shock has put myself into some deep thought during the times when I experience those great emotional turmoils.

Writing the previous drifting thought entry about attraction somehow had me shifting a completely different gear. And together with my conversations with Allen, that gave me a lot of room to contemplate about how I have progressed thus far, especially the times when I write in my LJ. A couple of times I sort of find myself in some sort of time warp, having events and my own personal emotions reflecting those I had experienced in the past: as if I was facing another “self” of the past.

Such scenarios does …

“… what comes to mind when you see a girl and decide that its love at first sight?”

That’s the first question. Somehow it’s sort of funny in a way because when you thought you can generalize things in a certain manner, after that you realize a myriad of different possibilities and angles that certain issues can be viewed from. But somehow, as a continuation of my discussion with Allen regarding sex, attraction and love (which is friends-only, mainly because there’s things that I find them personal to a point which I’m not particularly comfortable of exposing after a particular drama case), I think it’s pretty much a good idea for me to compile the thoughts and hypothesis that I have gathered based on my own experience regarding the matter.

Anyway …

How many times that I find myself admiring or feeling jealous on someone else? A lot of times, I bet. Being an avid self-help book reader, there’s many times when I feel myself inspired about the rosy pictures of success that these people have painted. There’s a lot of times when I just hope that I were in their place, enjoying the riches, friends and personal enjoyment they derived from what they are doing. And it just feels real as you start to relate yourself to such experiences and it’s hard to not to get infected with such optimism and it feels as if I’m living in feel-good land.

Except the fact that… these feelings weren’t real and not to mention they aren’t my own experience either.

And when …