“…しっかりして…ね?”

All the while I have been able to respond to others that “I’m OK, I’m already used to it.” when being asked that question, and later ending the sentence with “Besides, I always have ways to entertain myself.”

Then just recently, this feeling all came back to me again, as if I revisited something that I have long forgotten.

“自己一个人不会闷吗？” (“Aren’t you bored being alone?”) was the question. That’s the Chinese way of asking do you feel lonely.

It has been a month I have moved out to live on my own. Surprisingly life has been pretty pleasant, having my own room in an apartment with a nice night view that looks out towards rows of trees along the main road next to MMU, and being able to see …

I stumble across the [Investopedia’s entry on a description on the term “Fool in the shower”][fool], which is a term that describes “the idea that changes or policies designed to alter the course of the economy should be done slowly, rather than all at once… When the first stimulus is made, the effect may not be immediate, which can cause decision makers to increase the magnitude of the change, eventually causing too much stimulus.” Well, that’s pretty much the situation that I’m in at the moment.

During the past few months, I have been pretty swift in implement more changes in life for the better, opening up myself to bigger plans and possibilities in life. And then I have been experiencing the biggest change in my working environment (or more like …

How shall one would feel getting such attention, as in being looked up to? Hmm… actually it’s quite a blend of emotions actually. In a way, from the eyes of others, it seemed that you have reached a certain stage in life that they viewed as being successful. Behind the pride gained from such attention, yet it is also capable in exposing the empty shell within myself. Afterall, only I know what kind of challenges and problems that I’m facing currently and probably as well as some inferiority complex when I find myself comparing myself to others and my own goals.

Looking at myself in the past, when such attention gained, I always find myself trying to sabotage myself and do something stupid that makes me tumble down a little.

Come to think …

I think this has been one of the most common themes that I have put it in my LJ, things when I come to analyze what is the truth. Many times when things were either thought logically or perhaps put into perspective, some things that we take for granted that it is is actually isn’t, yet once you understood a little bit more about it, it is again; then there’s times you found new evidence that raises doubt, you doubt that it is anymore.

Ah! The fickleness of the mind.

And the thing is that subjectivity will never will be objective: the multitude of perspectives derived from myriads of experiences of different people make common terms of emotions having subtle differences beneath all similarity that was touted to be. It’s almost like …

Being typically me, I always go get Ayu’s album as soon as it hits the shelf. Partly because I’m a big fan of hers, but also the fact that the first thing I always look up was the lyrics booklet: to those who didn’t know, the main reason I look up to her is because of her lyrics which are heartfelt and truthful. And in many ways, I can always find a song of hers which reflect the situations and feeling that I’m in.

Anyway, I think I drifted :p. The main thing I wanted to say is that I GOT GUILTY! 😄 Just ripped it and listened to it actually. First impression wise, it’s a good album which I absorb instantly (which has always been the case except MY STORY …

Was offline for a few days as I was back in my hometown, only to realize that the Internet is starting to become more of a communication necessity to me… well… not really until you found out that you had one Internet auction you have to pay for within the week ^^||. But pretty much the thing about the Internet being a necessity or a luxury greatly depends on your reliance on it to do the stuff that you wanted to.

I mean, so long institutions provides a mean to do things in a convenient manner. The power of consumerism is that so long that institutions and corperations provide something that the customer needs and is comfortable with, there’s no fear that there’ll be no business for them.

It’s like, stuff like cash …

… Sometimes I just feel stupid. Well… or in other words I’m starting to have some sort of difficulty of absorbing new knowledge and synthesize something useful out of the new found knowledge that I had. Or rather that I’m not able to see concrete results out of the actions that I have taken… probably a sense of insecurity?

But anyway, probably it’s because I didn’t do much homework in enforcing my understanding towards the new subjects ^^||. Just had that feeling of analysis paralysis all this while: trying to accumulate as much knowledge as I could on a subject but didn’t really translate them into action, so in effect feeling as if I’m shrinking and unsure of which world that I’m actually living in.

Or probably my sense of …