Somehow today is just one of those days when I really feel extremely vulnerable, as my desire to seek for warmth starts to tingle from time to time.

Yet I just came to question this feeling: That whether this feeling is a real need, or simply just a physical desire? In a way I found that this question can sound really stupid, and yet from another perspective it isn’t. Thinking about it, I know I needed a love that I can cherish, and I know that I’m not in a really hurry to get myself attached. After all, I don’t want to love for the sake of finding one, not to mention that I’m not really the kind who wants to play around in it.

Yet during these times, I really …

Just for the past few days, I wasn’t feeling too well emotionally. How should I put it… I wouldn’t say that I was depressed or anything, just that I’m just feeling sad and weak.

Ever wondered the feeling that when you are feeling like being extremely intimate that special someone by your side, but only to realize that you are alone in reality? Just the thought alone makes me feel really desparate, really. During those days, I just feel so unmotivated, so weak to actually do anything productive. I just spent quite some time just lying on the bed, hugging anything soft within my reach. And having really intimate dreams doesn’t really help much either.

Only then I only realise one of my deepest desires is to have someone, a stronger …

Ever happen to you that there’s sometimes that you feel that you’re detached from the actual community that you are in, but then again, it’s not completely so? I don’t know, that how I feel exactly after I came back for school after the 2-3 week haitus. It’s like, when I mix with people, I just find myself in some sort of an awkward situation where even when I’m talking to close friends, I just feel like I’m talking with somebody that I only knew recently, or vice versa (as in I feel like they are chattting with me like I’m a different person).

It’s kinda funny though, is it that I have changed? Or is it the environment and the people have changed, and I …

Just got bored out of my mind, I just dig through the para videos that I have downloaded for the past two years and just played them through. And just for the fun of it, I only popped in the original choreographies into my play list and see it running.

And it really enjoyable to just watching them :). And somehow it’s really amusing when I’m starting to noticing things. The first thing that came to mind is like… Was that really me/Ahmed/Phil/Vicky/whoever in that video? It’s not just that we look different, the way that we danced is also different in many ways. It’s really kind of amusing to see everyone changing over time: the way we dress, the way we dance, how we choreographed our dances …

It’s been quite some time I have been at home, rushing on assignments and my own final year project. It’s kinda funny thinking about it though, seeing myself being in the last month of university life, probably I should have at school, enjoying the last moments to be with my classmates. But so it seems that my works seems to take a much higher priority… but I only have myself to blame for procrastinating work.

Looking back into those two years, it’s like… a lot of things had happened, and I have been through all the most extreme ups and downs that I had in life. And now I’m just sitting here, feeling a sense of calmness which I would never expect. It’s like, if I were to be a …

Sometimes when it comes to whether I had any friends or not, come to think of it, I much more of a loner than anything else. It’s like, I don’t really receive calls from friends to ask me out or anything, I usually do a lot of things alone (whether it is to go to places, eat outside, shopping and travelling), and I do have my fair share of loneliness from time to time.

Sometimes I do feel like I was treated more like an advisor or an consultant than an actual friend. Well… you know, the kind of friend which people will only come to when the have problems to be solved? Well, by any chance, usually I don’t mind helping them out as long as it doesn’t interfere/take …

#1:

Somehow these days are still a lot of thesis work… well… seeing that the due date is coming around the corner. I’m getting a bit worried with my work as I do it, I wonder whether was that perfectionism, or am I really worried? Because knowing my personality, I just have that gung-ho attitude which seems to get a lot of excitement for getting things done during the very last minute (and I DO mean that get the most of the work done at the VERY last minute). And I believe I just came to a point like I’m wearing myself out because of that.

Honestly speaking, if I were to manage myself better, most probably I should have finish my work extremely early so that I don’t have to worry …

I guess this is not the first time I feel all down and lonely again for no real reason. I don’t know, sometimes I just feel that… well, it’s like I’ve going back to square one. Hmm… or should I put it like, I feel exactly the same way like what I did during my depression period a year ago… or am I? I don’t know, it just seems not me to delve into such negativity for such a long period of time, and it’s like I came to a point where I just can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything productive, not to mention I’m starting to get pretty avoidant to quite a lot of serious things that has some sort of connection with “self-responsibility”.

Honestly …

All of a sudden, it seems that I accidently reopen the whole Pandora’s box hidden deep down in my heart. Sadness and confusion, about love, sex and sexuality, they seems to rush back to me… sweeping me away, not knowing anything. Hmm… It seems that everything seems to breakdown that it seems that I can either retain my old form, which I know that it’s more painful than it’s worth; or I can decide, embrace and gamble for a change. But honestly speaking… I really don’t know what to change… or do I need to change anything?

…

Just to share something that I posted on the forum:

Just my point of view, frankly speaking, how do we define sin? From the surface, we say that sin has to do with something …

Well… I’m almost finished packing for tommorrow. Just need to copy some critical files from my compie then I should be OK.

Honestly speaking… as much as I really liked to go home, but my heart seems a bit heavy to leave as well… God… I haven’t leave yet and yet I’m missing people now ;____;. But thinking about it, most of my friends are already back in their hometown for Chinese New Year celebrations and being here wouldn’t help much… meh… ;____;.

At times like this, I do wonder whether my whole makeover thing is really worth it… am I afraid that I’m starting to lose my self identity? Or is it that nobody really cared anyway? … but thinking about it guess I’m just too self-conscious/sensitive with …