Spent some time at home, doing some soul searching on my part.

It’s like… I have been quite some time that I notice my emotional patterns as well as knowing how I handle situations when I’m disappointed or down, and somehow I’m surprised that I haven’t changed much from that point. All the time, I have been putting myself in some sort of a Lose/Win relationship when it comes to close relationships, that things like emotional suppression, concealed sarcasm and indirect aggression seems to be my typical cycle when I feel neglected or not being able to get what I want to get what I wanted. And only I notice how emotionally dependent I am to the views of others and how others treat me.

And so because of that …

Allen says: it may sound harsh and unfair…(me myself are not able to accept that too) letting go mean love him, let him happy makes u happy

Felix says: that’s probably the hardest lesson

Allen says: but still i’ll keep question that “y i can ever deserve him, i have needs too, what did i ever do wrong?”
Allen says: but still there’s 2 answer found “he’s str8” and “there’s no answer for it”
Allen says: “let my true feelings and love go and settle for substitute that i barely feel as strong as him? y is it so unfair?”

Felix says: ah… isn’t that familiar?

Allen says: slowly becomes “if i have to let go…i guess i think substitute way to love him for myself is …

One very strong insight, imparted by two friends, Ahmed and Allen, that really put me into deep thought until now: Of that the grave fear of going straight to the point. It not the first time I heard that statement: since childhood, this very comment has been given to me again and again by the people around me. But somehow it does seems that I shrug that off every time… except for now that I really wanted to put things into perspective.

Perhaps taking my own LJ as an example: a lot of times I have been, in a way, “speaking in codes”. Or probably I might as well say that I purposely “left out some vital, very tangible information relating to what I actually want to convey”. My own LJ has always been a …

Finaly I’m starting to take the first step: Making some decisions that I dare not make in the past. Subtle and invisible it is, but my steer of directions would impact my own personal life.

Probably I’ll be hurt, probably I’ll lose friends, probably I’ll be vulnerable… millions of negative possibilities might arise, challenge me in many ways. Probably I can make it, probably I won’t, probably I might chicken out, or probably I’ll lose everything… nobody can guarantee what’s going to happen.

In a way, I’m starting to allow myself to make mistakes… allowing a chance for myself to actually learn and grow, instead of shrink back to my old shell. As I started to notice that my nervousness and fear of achieving and getting what …

They aren’t hard decisions to make, but somehow tradeoffs had to be made. In a way, I just have to face the fact that there are some times, I just can’t have goals which has two ends at their polar opposites (or the old saying “You can’t have the best of both worlds”), and that I really have to understand the fact that taking one side of the road doesn’t mean that I’m rejecting or opposing the other. I understand very clearly that as much as I’m extremely open with the every single option I had, in the end, I still have to make the ultimate decision to take only one: and eventually if that doesn’t work out, I know that my other options will not be completely …

Bit by bit, I’m still learning how to cope with what I thought was habits in the past. Little that I knew that these are merely traits that reflects back on my own fears, insecurities, anxiety and worries… Fear that I don’t get accepted, fear that I’m unable to get what I wanted, fear that I’m unable to achieve what I expected, fear that everything will be taken away from me, fear that I’m not worthy enough… Each and every time, I constantly find myself shrinking back timidly.

Only that I knew that it’s really not something that can be modified or repressed: It’s completely impossible to do so, because these traits are part of my own defence mechanism. Only that I knew that to cure these traits …

零碎的思绪中，好像一切都毫无秩序：

• 突然而来的感觉，让我换了另一个角度。
• 无需刻意寻找，幸福就在已身边。
• 一切变化无常，有时让我看不清楚。
• 追逐梦想很重要，但停顿休息也不能忽略。
• 在这不平稳的舞台上，也不能放弃生命的舞蹈。
• 扫去心中的那层尘埃，才发现到你眼神中的那份灿烂。原来让我看不清楚的是我自己。
• 一切变化无常，却让我体会到真实不变的存在。
• 才发现，变的，不是身边的一切，而是自己的角度。

静下来想一想，原来一直寻找的答案，就已经隐蕴在心中。

Within my fragmented thoughts, it seems like everything is out of order:

• A feeling that suddenly came to me, (has) let me changed another perspective.
• Even without pursing purposely, happiness is already by your side.
• Everything changes, sometimes make me unable to see clearly.
• Pursuing dreams is important, but don’t neglect oneself to stop and rest.
• Even on this unsteady dance floor, one should not stop the dance of life.
• Dusting off my heart, then I only notice the colours in your eyes. Only I realised that what really blinded me is my own self.
• Everthing changes, but that makes me understand the existence of an unchanging reality.
• Only I …

For those who noticed, I have changed my LJ layout. It basically one the new S2 free templates that LJ provides with minor colour tweaks, but it essentially captures the general feeling that I am in now.

Honestly speaking one main reason for the change of layout is that I’m starting to enter the transition into the fourth chapter in my life (or at least in my LJ sense). Every chapter actually signifies a turning point in life, in which one big turn of events really brought positive impact and changes into my life.

Reading back the poems in the past, it really shows the progress that I have been through thus far. Quoting back what I have written in the past: “For those who didn’t notice, my user info basically reflects a …

1. 开始发现自己那不成熟的那一面…原来一向来都只是逞强。这时才发现自己不知不觉地为自己画上了浓妆。

   是掩饰自己的脆弱吗…？还是太过在乎你们的看法…？

2. 在接电话的当时，仿佛听到自己那木讷无神的声音。旧伤复发的我，开始对身边的一切觉得了麻木…

   在电话线另一端的你，是否是为我担心呢？现在的我，在使出一百二十分的力气，心中的那份沉重却让我无法发挥我以往的那份热诚。

   …真的是很对不起，我会继续努力，去恢复那失去了的精神，好不让你太过担心。

3. 此时此刻，想要脱掉脸上的尘埃…用最真诚的心去面对一切。

4. 在星空底下，我才发觉我又只是一个人了…

5. I’m starting to notice the immature side of me… suddenly I notice that all the while I have been trying to hard. At this moment of time, I only realise that I have put up a thick layer of makeup on my face.

   Is it that I’m hiding my weakness…? Or is it that I’m overly concern about your point of view…?

6. When I picked up the phone, I feel as if I heard my soulless voice. Having the old hurts coming back to me, I’m starting to feel indifferent to the things around me…

   On the other side of the line, are you still worrying about me …

1. 虽然说若不争取自己想要的东西，就永远都得不到，但是…自己渴望的东西总是要顾虑到很多人的立场，不能凭任性与自私的心态盲目追求。

   是懦弱吗…？是胆小吗…？但是我真的是不想做出无谓的伤害与牺牲，若是自己受伤还无所谓…

   …在感情的泛滥当时，我还不容易…把心中那个盖子关起来…

   说到底我只是在欺骗着自己…

2. 心中那朦胧的天气，总是带来那pH少过7的味道…还真的是希望一场泪雨可以让阳光灿烂的发光…但是想想看，那只是治标不治本吧？

   或许应该告诉自己：请不要在心中乱烧垃圾。

[Note: sorry for the lousy translation, it’s really hard to capture the Chinese like poetic essence in English]

1. Although they say that if you don’t sieze the things that you desired, you’ll never be able to get it forever, but… what I desired for is something that requires consideration of the situation and stand of a lot of different people, and it cannot be pursued blindly with selfish whims.

   Is this weakness…? Or is it timidity…? But I really don’t want to make any unneccessary harm and sacrifices, it’s OK if I’m the one who bears the pain…

   … At times when my feelings overflows, it takes me much effort …