Within a few days of sickness and pain, my own being seems to be in disorganization. Somehow it does made me realise the importance of keeping the mind, heart, body and soul in harmony with existence. In moments of dischord, only to realise how much unawareness of one’s actions, repression and the illusory ego can cause self-inflicted wounds to one being.

…

Coming back to real life, been picking up Japanese again, this time round I’m sure I’ll make it. I have also been reading Chuang Tsu, and probably I would read more about the great thinkers in the past in a quest of searching.

Currently still in the process of recovery (mainly from the physical aspect, but it’s not really a big issue now) and catching up with everything in the office.

Anything could happen, anything is possible. The only certainty is change.

That itself make every single cell in me tremble… Who knows, the next minute I’ll achieve my goals, or conversely I would lose everything that I hold dear.

Is it an attachment of security? Or is it that I fear of the possibility of the worst possible scenario?

Only to realise what I’m clinging onto is not reality but only an illusion of perception.

- Trust, but tether your camel first -

Being more conscious and aware with my own being, I’m starting to realise and notice how imperfect I was. Through witnessing more and more of my actions, I’m starting to notice even I myself commit myself to mistakes that I have criticise others about — tons of them, in fact.

Just as I thought I have perfected the art of my own doings, being instantly aware and witnessing my own actions made me realise all my own mistakes and imperfections.

A lot of fragments to pick up, so it seems. ^-^” Seems that my own unawareness, ignorance and ego does cloud my own perception all this while.

So back to square one and learning all the basics. 😛

Not feeling well, emotionally, today. Or I should say that I feel pretty sucky today…

Truth to be told is that nothing upsetting really happening today… or more confusingly is that I don’t even feel any forms of negative emotions today. It’s just feels like… some sort of repressed emotions wanted to break itself free, but yet it just have itself… stuck there, unable to move anywhere at all.

Coming to think about it, it really reflects back a lot of feelings in the past: dreams and desires that never get fulfilled, occasions when I feel left out, rejected and ignored, helplessness, and the list goes on… A lot of them are pretty much psychological, or probably illusionary, fears. Somehow I just feel that… being human with desires, desires acts like a two-edged …

Just one statement is enough to trigger thousands of thoughts, flooding the mind with thousands of illusions: those that reflect the core of our own becoming — desires, regrets, dreams, imagination, repressed emotions…

Some beautiful, some not-so, some downright scary and ugly.

Somehow, each and every of these thoughts, screaming attention for one to perceive it as a reality. Is that a manifestion of a vision, so that we will work to achieve that? Or is it just an act of cowardice, seeking an outlet to make believe of something that seemed to be impossible?

Feeling as if everyone being an unique individual means that we need to recognize the fact that everyone is living in their own separate worlds: feeling happy when two uniqueness meet with friendliness and love, and be grateful when we part.

Insecurity is always bound to be there, as the only certainty in this world is change and losing possession of everything that is only given to us: anything from physical things to emotional and spiritual attachment.

…

In other, unrelated news, I cut my hair short today. Other than that, there’s a lot of work related stuff that I need to do before I proceed to some high-priority work on Monday. I will not be at home, and probably I don’t know whether I can update my LJ… but I know there’s …

Originally posted as comments:

I do agree what you are saying, sometimes we (or maybe only I myself) get so immersed in collecting and analysing data that we forgot that our main goal of doing so is to ACT and LIVE. Just collecting and analysing is only as good as building imaginary castles in the sky. (hence a “dream” but not a “goal”, hmm… I think I answered my own question of the day XD)

I wonder whether that makes us mere statisticians? XDDDD

It does seems that I’m forgetting that conceptualization and idealization needs to be accompanied by manifestation and actualization. I really need to pull myself back to earth now :).

Somehow at a personal level, I’m kinda like changing course of direction for the past few months… well, as in what …

Two opposing thoughts, fighting for attention at times when a situation that triggers a strong emotion arises.

One side of it, is much more of an “ideal” self — the self which contains all my own core… or probably the values I perceived to be ideal; another side of it, is much more of a “vulnerable” self — the self which contains all the desires and fears.

Putting myself into the social circle and an exposure to alternatives and opportunities, it really puts me in a shocking situation, as I notice two completely different personalities rising in me, fighting to take control. The internal is completely calm, telling me that I have the power to make the best decisions; yet my external reaction seems wanting to scream and shout, the insecurities rushed into my instincts to run …

Originally posted as comments:

• From one point of view, being “alone” shows that you are capable to take care of yourself, that you know how to live your own life. So from that angle, it really deserves a pat on your back.
• The only depressing part is when “loneliness” kicks in. But that’s an emotion that you can decide whether you’d want to dwell in for long (and I know how hard that is).

• It’s really a two-person matter and getting two parties to agree upon this drastic change requires both parties to be emotionally mature. It’s really not like saying “We broke up, but we can still be friends, right?” will immediately shift the mental roles in both parties.

  This is what 99% of us thought that we have but …

Just feeling like jotting down what I felt this morning:

1. 心中那份对你的思念，似乎膨胀到让我感觉到心跳的痛楚。是无法对你倾诉的关系吗？一向来对你的暧昧似乎一直都吞了下去。

   才发现原来心情也可以让自己呛到。

   That thought of missing you, seems to have expanded to a point when I can feel the pain in every heartbeat. It is because I’m never able to express it? All the while I have been swallowing down my tenderness for you.

   Only I notice that emotions can also make myself choke.

2. 那份不成熟的胆怯，到现在都还没克服到，所以仍然在那段距离地望着你…所以依然还是进不到去你那小小的世界。

   Even now, I haven’t been able to conquer that immature feeling of anxiousness, and that’s why I’m still standing from afar seeing you… that’s why I will never be able to enter that small world of yours.

3. 有时觉得受不了心中那个颤动：是自己不甘寂寞吗？是不甘心永远只是和你走在对面的平行线？

   只能永远用双手抱着一份幻想吗？好像一直都是让自己活在不真实的存在…其实这种不实在的安全感，我已经受够了——受不了了！

   那一霎那间…爱的定义，我真的是完全不懂了…

   Sometimes I can’t stand that violent beating of my heart …