有尝试过别人要求你自己一张个人照吗？

在众多照片中选一，到底是容易，还是困难呢？似乎自己在岁月留下的痕迹中，拼命地寻觅，却找不到那一张照片。

为什么？

是照片中找不到一张表露出“理想中的自己”吗？想想下，才发现那份“理想”的片面性：只是自己“制造”给别人看的“幻觉”而已。

原来自己找不到的，不是照片；而是真正的自己。

…

你…找到自己了吗？

Have you ever been asked for a photograph of you?

Picking one from all, is it easy, or is it difficult? It seems that I searching hard for it on the traces of time, but I can’t seem to find that photograph.

Why?

Is it that I can’t find the one that shows my “perfect self”? Thinking about it, only to realize the partialness of that “perfectness”: It’s only an “illusion” “manufactured” for others to see.

What I can’t find, is not the photograph; but of my true self.

…

Have you found yourself…?

OK, the more serious side of me:

Just right after I posted the entry yesterday, a lot of feelings flooded back to me… bringing a lot of pain and despair. The last sentence really gave me that sudden flashback… back to four years ago when I had my first crush with Ching Horng… or probably seven years ago when I first exposed to the question of sexuality.

Thinking about it, there’s nothing about these events in relationships that really made me despair… but it’s the internal and personal aspect that really made me feel the pain. During those times, I have put myself in a very serious dilemma as I constantly have to fight between “getting what I want” and “respecting others”… Or so I think is “respecting others”, because that’s only …

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Is it that I’m making things harder for myself? Is it that I’m actually the one who is sending mixed signals and inconsistent behaviour?

These days I really feel like a klutz as I stumble through the process clumsily. ^-^||

为什么不敢去贴近？为什么不敢去确认？

自己害怕些什么？是失去吗？还是得到？

为什么越是喜欢你，反而越是胆怯畏缩？

自己害怕些什么？是幻想吗？还是事实？

Why I’m afraid of getting closer? Why I’m afraid in finding out the truth?

What am I afraid of? Is it of losing? Or is it of getting?

Why is it that the more I liked you, the more I become timid?

What am I afraid of? Is it of fantasy? Or is it of reality?

Few shifts in life… Feeling slightly in the blue, really. Seemingly normal, but still little ripples passing through the heart, wavering with emotions.

Apparently my internal gears got suddenly shifted that suddenly I felt that all the thoughts about love is… complete crap. How should I explain this… It’s like,, after living in between two different extremes, then as time passes by they start to blend together to a certain grayness that… it’s just hard getting used to. Not that I hated it or anything, but it did made me a little bit uneasy as it starts to place everything around me into some sort of a different perspective.

Looking back through the past few weeks… or probably months, sometimes I did wonder whether I’m tricking myself when I’m saying that …

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有哪个曾经爱过的人没受过任何伤悲呢…？这个我可不晓得，只懂得自己已经不是那种人了。

曾经彻彻底底地痛哭哀嚎，曾经让自己陷入完完全全地黑暗。

…到底我自己如何捱过，我也不记得。是完全依靠天生生存的意念吗…？

至于现在，自己默默地喜欢一个他。到现在，好多好多时候，还会心生不少疑念：究竟从一般的角度来看这段感情是不可能的。

…到现在我如何捱过，我真的是不知道。只记得一次又一次的看到你的当时，一次又一次所有复杂的念头就完完全全地被沫灭掉。

好不可思议。

所以到现在自己还是那样，默默地耕耘着…即使结局已经是不可能，即使又再彻彻底底的失去，我也再所不惜。

…因为我找到了爱的存在…

How many of those who have loved before didn’t experience sadness…? This, I don’t know. I only knew that I’m not that already.

Cried totally before, let myself fall into a dark void before.

… How did I manage to survive, I also can’t remember. Is it that I lived by my survival instincts completely…?

Coming to the present, I secretly love someone. Up until now, a lot of times, my mind still has a lot of doubts: It’s not surprising that it is based on public opinion that this relationship is impossible.

… Up until now how did I manage to hold through, I really have …

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OK, let’s put this straight: Sentimentalism will NOT make things better, especially on days that I have come to identify with “romanticism”.

Woa! Big words that I thought I’d never use in my life XD.

Anyway, somehow thoughts get drifted from time to time, but never recorded down… issues are still the same, questions remain unanswered… Still walking on the path continuing on my own journey within.

Months passed by, as I still tending my own little garden and taking good care of myself. From time to time, I feel a little bit panicky, a bit anxious, seeing that flowers were not there yet. It really took me a lot of time and effort to clear away my disappointment and anguish.

Someday, probably, flowers will bloom, eventually.

Hmm… summarizing a whole 9 days into one entry…

Anyway.

This Chinese New Year has been a very relaxing and peaceful one, without much events, drama or excitements. But going back to my hometown is always a nostalgic experience as if I have returned to the times when I was a kid. It’s very hard to describe those feelings actually, but as the saying goes, “home is where the heart lies”, living with my parents always has a special significance in me.

Nothing much to shout about, really, as my Chinese New Year is almost all about spending time with family and friends, having a good time with friends playing Mahjongg, catching up with the latest news and gossips as well as spending more time relaxing. Through these simple things, it does give me …

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“But that feeling of being belittled, patronized, or seeing it amongst others, it was rooted through the sins of anger & pride, sins which did nothing but veil a pure action. Behind it all was the essence of love, through family, friendship, lovers - where one was working in another’s garden to help them grow. Helping them understand was limited when mindsets were so different. But that’s a journey on of its own where they continue to walk side by side. One curious to what would come next, the other very well aware of that person’s future, the good and bad, the beauty of nurturing.” — Quoted from Ahmed

This morning I thought about the dimensions of one’s speech and conversation, and I seem to notice that when one speaks, what we hear is …

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Just today I was reminded the joke about the elephant, the giraffe and the fridge, the joke goes something like this:

How do you put an elephant into the fridge? Answer: Open the fridge door, put the elephant in, and close the door.

How do you put a giraffe into the fridge? Answer: Open the fridge door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in, and close the door.

Thinking about it, it just reminded me the lesson that I kept on forgetting: How many times we have been paralysing ourselves with what we called as “knowledge”? How many times we have make our thoughts overly complicated that we have the tendency to think of thousand of imaginary parameters that we think that will “block” our progress?

How many times we have judged things, saying …

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