呆呆地望着那一片蓝天，心中期许些什么？看到些什么？

在无限的空间，所谓的“有限”的空间到底是多大呢？自己能够看得见的距离，能够懂得的事物或许也只是那么多而已吧！^-^||

从远方看着自己，到底自己是孤单的？还是幸福的？

…

或许只能傻笑说“我不知道”吧！:p

With absent-mindedness, watching that vast blue sky, what my heart’s wishing? What did I saw.

In a boundless universe, how large was the space of that so-called “limit”? The distance that I’m able to see, the things that I’m able to know and understand maybe it’s only just that much, I think! ^-^||

Watching myself from afar, Am I lonely? Or am I happy?

…

Maybe I can only just give an innocent smile and say “I don’t know!” 😛

Fed up with the normal ho-hum life: Been rejected too many times, over analysing and reasoning too many times, been living with a heavy heart too many times.

All that hurt and pain, “for what?” I asked. All I get in return is just a false assurance that I’m still by your side and a bunch of hypothetical thoughts about you and me. And for all I know is that I’m shutting myself in that safety zone that I have never, ever seen the surroundings of your heart, let alone the door that goes there.

Being stagnant for too long, it’s time to break out!

I wanted to be able to talk to you! Listen to you! Touch you! Feel you! See you! Be with you! No matter how long will it …

Somehow I just feel like things are just getting more challenging… In terms of my own working and personal life.

Work wise, well, my probation period ends once I survived through April. It’s pretty an exciting thought, really. However, it’s not really the end of my probation period but more of the beginning of my own working life. And I know that once I reach that milestone, there’s more things ahead of me: both opportunities and challenges. It did really made me nervous somehow… it’s like, the more you start to settle down at one point, the more you’ll able to see that things are constantly moving and changing. As much as I’m glad that I’m in a comfort zone by its own right, it’s pretty hard …

One of the funniest realisation today is that the actual reason I kept a distance with the person that I’m closely (and secretly) intimate with is not much of a virtue of respecting others, but most due to the fact that it’s my physical/sexual arousal that I fear that I’ll “eat” them up :p.

Silly hormones :).

And I can’t believe that I’ve been through all this unnecessary struggle for the past 6 years… even until now ^-^||.

As much as I have experienced and believed that platonic relationships exists… well, I don’t mind getting the whole package :p.

… I hope this is not wishful thinking ;p.

Not really feeling much at ease lately… like… feeling unnatural, somehow.

Honestly speaking I just felt like I was treated… differently. On the outset, everything is pretty much the same, yet I do have a feeling that both of us knew that there’s something between us and it’s really not the same anymore.

… And that really made me anxious, it’s really like I’m groping in the dark without any sort of direction.

sigh Being human isn’t easy, is it?

Anyway, I’ll be taking the bus home back to my hometown later. We’ll be visiting our ancestor’s graves on Sunday for Qing Ming, and judging from the rainy season, I suppose it’s going to be a very muddy trip indeed.

Will be back on Monday.

是否没有勇气的人，永远都只会被命运和自己惩罚…？ Is it that those without any courage, will always be punished by fate and him/herself…?

前注：[Foreword]

听雪狼湖的原声带中陈洁仪的“原来只想共你活一天”（粤）/“祈求可以共你活一天”（国）总是很有强烈的感触，心酸和感伤。或许自己的故事和玉凤（陈洁仪的角色）真的很相似。

或许没有一个人，想要成为只能在“他”的背后偷偷瞻仰的角色。都是期盼着可以在身边互相相爱，一起走过这一段红尘吧！

…到底我要让心中那胆怯的影子保留到几时？

或许连我自己也不知晓吧…

Everytime I listened to Nadia Chan’s “I really wish to live with you for one day” (Mandarin/Cantonese) in Snow Wolf Lake musical’s OST, I always had very strong emotions and sorrows. Maybe my own story is quite similar to Yu Feng’s (Nadia’s character) in the musical.

Maybe no one wants to be the one who can only silently admire that special one from behind. And (we) always hoped that we can be with that person side by side, loving each other and walked the same life journey together.

… For how long I want to remain in the same timid shadow?

Maybe I don’t know that answer myself…

Roll-on deodorants that uses glass bottles could use a rubber grip by the sides. (I just broke one today in the bathroom, which is definitely a mess ^-^||)

OK, seriously…

I just came back from MATTA fair just now, which is essentially the only well-known travel fair in this region. The original intent of having myself going there is to search for a good deal for my travel plan. But instead, I ended up only going there to see and grab price tags as well as having myself very shocked and a RM3¹ reality check.

The main focus I’m at here is probably not the price (it has a influencing factor, as we’ll explore later), it’s more on having my financial perceptions being stirred up. Or more straight to the point… it …

It’s been a while… that my tears has flown down cheek.

It was yesterday when I was, by sudden coincidence, watching the PV (promotional video, aka MV, music video) of Ayumi Hamasaki’s No way to say. It’s somewhere midway when the little boy snatched the pack of tissue and present it to Ayu that made me clicked, seeing myself shoving out the lyrics translation… and just cried shortly after.

Looking back, there’s lots of moments when I was feeling down, when I was feeling aching, when I was feeling ripples in my heart… yet my tear glands seemed to dried up.

As if I have lost that capability.

…

Sometimes… my own weakness is probably the hardest thing for me to accept and admit. 😊

Took leave today, and my emotions are like… meh ._.

It’s been kind of a depressing state when I spent time reflecting on recent events… Not because that something happened, but rather the lack of it. It’s really like, I sensed something is different, yet I just can’t pinpoint what nor I’m able to see where that’s coming from.

And there’s some questions that I really wanted to ask… yet I really don’t know how to ask without feeling awkward. >_<|| And there’s more questions… about self-centered-ness and interpersonal communication and relationships. And I’m like… the more closer or intimate with someone, the harder I find myself to understand them, expressing my concerns or that not to become a burden to them.

Is it really that …

Feeling screwed up over several matters these days. Nothing pretty major or of a matter of survival, just some leisurely or regarding luxury matters (read: predominantly physical possessions and financial stuff), but still I’m feeling at a loss somehow.

Change and the apprehension of it is still the main theme at the moment… probably future planning as well.

Well, it’s like: I have my dreams, goals and objectives, and on the other hand, I had my needs and wants. It’s kinda like a “mid/long-term” vs “short term” face-off. From time to time, achieving these mid/long-term goals aren’t as easy as we’d believe it to be. Sometimes, the environment changes, our surrounding changes, thing changes that our needs may be more demanding as before. But probably that’s not …