How much do I really need to know about someone that you really cared and loved? As much as I knew I don’t need to know every single detail of everything, and probably it won’t make much use anyway. But…

Been uploading some REALLY old artwork that I have done.

It’s pretty fun sharing those artworks that I had in the past: the days when I devote a lot of time drawing stuff and scribbling characters that I adore a lot. Although the artwork is pretty simple and not something that is impressive, the sort of rawness in skill is something that really captivates me: the feeling of youthfulness.

As my own skills improved, I personally find myself drawing less and less. Maybe that I’m losing motivation? I have other priorities? Or is it that I’m pretty frustrated at myself staying in that level of “good” but not “greatness”? Or maybe as time past by, I accumulated so much art and comparing it by amount with the stuff I have drawn lately …

昨天好像和他吵架，至少自己的感觉上是如此。当时的心情何等难受，自己当时很清楚。

吵架这回事，到底是真的还是自己多心了呢？还是那份短短的“Nvm”¹是那么的冰冷，让我感到更加痛心？

不晓得为什么，总是觉得在与自己重视的人的摩擦，自己好像永远都摆在劣势的感觉。似乎无论伤心也好，愤怒也罢，对你泄气或是大吐口水的时候，那份气愤不仅是朝向你冲去，同时也把枪头指向自己。一个人承受两个人的痛苦，这场感情战争已经不战而败了。

这种时候，真的是不知道如何去处理…バカみたいね（好像笨蛋吧）

It seems like I had a fight with him yesterday, at least that I felt that way. How bad I felt at that time, I’m fully aware of it.

That “quarrel” between us, is it really a fight or is it that I’m just imagining things? Or is it that short “Nvm” (Nevermind) seemed so cold, that really made me felt even hurtful?

I don’t know why, I always felt that when there’s some friction between me and someone I felt important, I was always in the disadvantage. Seems that no matter if I’m sad, or that I’m mad, when I spill them out …

Spent a lot of time digging into my hard drive and post deviations (ala Deviant Art) like MAD!!! 😆

I don’t know, probably I’m currently just seeking of some sort of escape? Or because of some other reasons, but one thing for sure is that looking back at my artworks in the past is like going down the memory lane and look back at the past.

Surprisingly, I can still remember how these artworks were “born”: it’s sort of like memories that was not recalled most of the time but has remained etched since the day something was created. And through that, I’m still able to recall the feelings that I had when I have produced every piece of work.

As much as I didn’t drew much lately, all the arts …

Somehow, think about what I have written in the past, somehow I was under the impression that I perceived that our own perception may not be that reliable as a source of the truth… sometimes thinking that it might be completely false, even (i.e. the Illusion).

So, thinking about it, what makes something true? What makes something false? Social identification and recognition doesn’t make something true. Experience doesn’t make something completely true. Belief, as said, is just a mere hypothesis (or on the extreme end, it can be a baseless hope). Perception is a stimulation of our own senses, which is a partial truth to what we are living in.

Maybe it’s a good time to ponder things through deeply, hmm? 😊 (possibly some good drifting thought material)

I’m not going to repeat myself how busy I was (and how much behind I am in terms of work schedule X_X).

Anyway, somehow I’m still keeping my books on my head. Boring accounting work, they say :p. Apparently, with my long wish list on my head, sometimes I get a bit impatient with my own progress, I guess ^^||.

Speaking of which, it’s been a year and two months since I started work, being through a lot of different experiences throughout this period. I don’t think I have written this down in my LJ during that time, but I still remembered the time when I received the job offer, I said to myself that I’m giving myself two years and decide where I would go later. And now… well… I …

The thing that strike me is that:

• There’s no point earning and saving so much just to keep a living corpse alive later in life. But is a financial safety net is a must-have in life or that’s just something that compensates for our own fears?

• What am I pursuing for? Money is known being not able to buy everything, fame and power is just a social illusion, love is not something that lasts till eternity, and nothing can be guaranteed to be attained in a spiritual enlightenment. Is it a happiness that is never attainable? Or that the act of pursuing is just an illusion has given us the impression that we are moving while we are really not?

• What is the ultimate reality? What is the real form of “Success” in …

Why the notion that kindness, happiness and forgiveness have to be sought from others? Is it really something that cannot be sought from within?

It’s been a few days, as usual.

My brother was discharged from the hospital last Saturday, and I purposely went back to see him. To be very honest I didn’t really feel like it as:

1. It’s only a week since I went back
2. I have lots of work to sort out and I’m WAY past my deadline
3. I’m very tired these days

…etc. etc.

But on the way home, I had time to organized my thoughts on this matter, and it’s just… funny how much excuses we can come up to avoid the real issue. Somehow, sorting out my own ramblings over something that I really loathed and carefully analyse the “reasons” that I had to explain my own negative attribution to something, I find myself digging deeper and …

Somehow, in one way or the other, I did sort of notice that my communication (as in speech and writing) have changed. And at some times, I’m felt a bit isolated, in a way.

Hmm… where should I start this topic…

I don’t know how to say this, just that pretty much these days I’m living on my own, in a sense. It’s really hard to describe that kind of observation, but it’s really like… day-in, day-out, I pretty much carried out my own life by myself. From planning budgets to working to having fun, I’m pretty much capable to enjoy everything… or at least being capable to live on my own with minimal help. And it’s not really a new observation as I tend to do things …