Just recently I was reminded of what one of my childhood friends told me during a casual game of Mahjong during Chinese New Year （at least a vague recollection of words)

“你不懂得怎样变通…有些时候，真的是不能坚持你自己所要的到底。看到牌局已经不大对劲的时候就应该懂得变通，究竟手上的牌还是充满许多的可能性。“

“You don’t know how to be flexible/adaptable… sometimes, you really can’t always insist of getting what you want until the end. When you see the game already show signs of change, that’s the time you really need to exercise some flexibility/adaptability. After all, there’s still a lot of different possibilities in your own hands.”

Thinking deeply about it… I’m able to sense its importance yet I’m still incapable to realize its true meaning…

… Sometimes, I really don’t know what it is to play this game of life…?

不知道为什么，感觉自己好像花一样，要枯萎了。花瓣开始凋零了。自己的世界，不知为何，只是看到一片荒芜。

是以前所看到的都是幻想吗？还是一向以来都不愿承认这个事实？

这种寂寞感伤真的是非常强烈…连自己也承受不了。

体贴与关心的人很多，他们也很好。但似乎真正了解，话入心坎肺腑的好像连一个也没有。知己难得吧…

其实自己也不知如何是好。其实真的是很难说出来，毕竟这是一个自己的“感觉”，一个不知为何而来的“感觉”。或许说出来都只是被当着是“多心”来看代…

真的是开始乱了…

I don’t know why, I felt I’m like a withering flower with petals starting to fall away. I don’t know why, my world seems to be like a desolate plain.

Is it that what I have seen in the past is just an illusion? Or is it that I don’t want to accept this reality?

This kind of depression and loneliness is very strong… even myself can’t bear it.

There’s a lot of kind and caring people around me, and they have been good. But it just seems that there’s no one who really understands and being able to say words can …

This is just the right climate to think and put things into perspective, considering that all my plans, expectations and thoughts are all messed up and mashed together in some sort of psychedelic reality.

So… the big question at the moment: What do I really want in life…?

Guess that was the focus of this chapter in my life.

From time to time, or rather, half of my time, I felt pretty self-conscious. Feeling inadequate and/or deprived, to be more exact.

Most of the time, most of my jealousies, anguish and sadness stemmed from that feeling: The feeling of lacking.

Lacking imaginations to think of goal to push my limits.
Lacking of drive and passion to materialize the things I wanted to achieve.
Lacking love, attention and physical closeness to feel warmth.
Lacking knowledge to understand things that I really wanted to know.
Lacking in financial resources to fulfill my heart desires.
Lacking the energy and strength to pull myself through challenges and rough times.
Lacking courage to live whatever I preach and sometimes, against all odds…

Do I hate myself? …in a way, yes. Despite my own belief that I perceive that …

Day 3 of constant reevaluation, no conclusion yet. But tons of ideas, Plan-A, B, Cs… Thinking of situations from different angles, pros and cons, gains and sacrifices…

It did made me think that I didn’t really know what I wanted in life… shrinks myself into a small shell 😞

But somehow I really felt the importance of working on something for myself, irregardless whether I go or stay at the same environment. I always sense that there’s something… something which is most important in my own life, yet I have no idea what that was… all I know is just to pursue, attempt to grasp it with my own hands. Yet time and time again, I found myself tumbling and rolling, stumbling over blocks… the feeling is almost the same as chasing one’s …

Just now I have been clearing up my stuff again, paper stuff always have the capability to scatter all around the place when I least notice it, mostly bills, fliers, randomly scribbled notes… well, mostly rubbish, if that’s a good way to put it ^-^||.

But somehow I just have that really uncomfortable feeling thinking whether my life have became just a mere bank balance while I’m sorting my papers. Thinking into extremes, if my life just constitute of working, spending money just to keep myself survive and entertained… ugh…

Really, if that’s the case, it’s not a life worth living. Just draining my life sources like that for another 50 years (give or take), that’s really a scary thought.

Come to think about it… people pretty much always like to …

It’s pretty hard to describe what I have been through since Friday… at the emotional level, that is.

Let’s see, I get to know my increment last Thursday, and I got very, very, very disheartened by the rate I have been getting. I don’t know why… is it because I am comparing myself with others?Or I have some sort of unrealistic expectation or a bloated ego… Whatever the reason, I just felt that… I really deserve more than what I have been given.

Heck I’m feeling all upset but I just can’t find an outlet to express that. That feeling like having a heart like an inflated balloon is very hard to bear.

I don’t know what to say, really. It’s pretty much act as a wake …

I’m close to post all my artworks already ^^||… probably the next possible thing that I might post is photographs that I took and liked as well as some poems that I have written, I suppose ^^||.

Looking at the amount of my artwork over here in DA, it really look like… only 10% of the artwork that I really done? Well… most of them are pretty much just sketches, to be honest. But in the past, I always keep every single scrap of paper with my drawing on it: whether I liked it or not.

I don’t know whether I’m keep track of my progress or I’m just hoarding.

So I have quite a thick stack of paper with pencil marks scrawled all over it (occasionally some inked and coloured, which are …

Sometimes I just can’t help but thinking back, that did I really see the full picture of the whole situation?

Looking at it more carefully now, it really indicates that I always jump into some hypothetical judgement/solutions when I get a small progression/change in an issue. And really, the worst part (well… not really worst to a point that will cause life and dead issues; but it IS plain annoying if I’d be someone else) is that my reaction can be so extreme and dramatic (at least what happens internally or showing signs of extremism)

A lot of time, as much as I vouch or even preach the concept of understanding other people’s point of view, But in reality, it seemed that it ends up that a lot of my …

好多时候，反复地问同样的问题，却没有得到一个真正的答复。

有时问久了，或许自己也气馁了，就没追究下去了，没在去问了。

之所以好多与你有关的东西，都算是自己猜测，甚至有时是凭空想象出来的东西。

无法肯定这是真正的事实，真正的你：这种对人怀有虚伪假想这样的感觉，很讨厌。

这个时候，才深深体会到，原来自己也是有错：每一句对我说的话，即使多琐碎也好，即使多虚伪也好，即使多讨厌也好，原来也是有“价值”的 －－ 就是那么希望去了解别人。

A lot of times, repetitively asking the same questions, but not getting a real answer.

Sometimes, it has been asked so many times, probably I gave up of asking myself, so I didn’t further pursue the matter, didn’t ask anymore.

That’s why a lot my perceptions towards you, can be considered as my own guessing, and sometimes it’s even my own imagination.

Unable to be sure this is the actual fact, the real you: this feeling of having artificial perceptions towards others, is really something that I hated a lot.

At this time, I can deeply feel, I myself is in the wrong as well: Every …