I don’t know whether I should say it has been a slow day or not, but certainly it was a quiet one indeed. Been spending most of my time either in front of books or my own computer.

Somehow, spending most of my time alone did gave a lot of room for myself to observe my own emotions and feelings. But honestly speaking it wasn’t something new that I’m trying to figure it out, it’s still about loneliness and the need for physical closeness (yes, the issue on sex was included). It’s sorta funny that I can’t figure it out, considering how long I had been trying.

But somehow I think the sexuality issue has been resolved in one way or the other. As much as I’m still …

Somehow… my life is transitioning into another phase… probably signalling a new chapter unfolding?

Last time was probably acceptance and fear. Now it’s more on obsession, longing, courage, lust and love.

Events and thoughts will be elaborated when the times comes. But as for now… well, it’s inevitable that I have to face these changes within.

がんばってください、ね？自分は。

Is it that whatever I see is the reality, or is it just a mere projection of what I wanted to see…?

A whole week up there at Genting, phew, that’s really something. There are panic moments, but as far as problems were concerned, there’s aren’t really big, so in a way I’m glad for that.

Throughout these days, I find myself dealing with more people than usual, dealing with suppliers, casino operators, authorities/managers, customers, friends and colleagues… Somehow it has been a different experience to me, along the way, my colleagues have been very supportive, helping along the way in dealing with people, protecting myself from any potential harm as well as taking things easy.

Being a little bit far away my own usual environment, it really opens up a different experience to me. Somehow the reflection of other people’s actions as well as just the mere existence of my …

What is the thing that we call “respect towards others”?

Is it really something honourable and noble? Or is it something that we used to rationalize our fears?

There are times when my own short comings bounced back on me in the form of the actions of others.

Sometimes, looking things from a different perspective and a different point of view, how do I see myself in the past and present?

Had I changed now? Or is it something that I needed to change? Somehow, that realization and response is probably something that I needed at the moment.

Currently I’m still following my own train of thoughts… finding the roots of all issues and dealing with them. And somehow it’s like… it’s starting to get more harder and harder to face. Let’s use this recent happening as an analogy to this: It’s been a long, long time I have been suffering with sinus problems. It’s like… hardly I can remember the days when I don’t need tissue paper or when I’m not sneezing. So I have pretty much attribute that to my poor health… or the impression of it.

But after I changed my towel blanket to a summer quilt, the sneezes has stopped completely. And from that it’s not hard for me to realized that all this while I have been allergic to …

Thinking about it, from many perspective I was still being mentored, either directly or indirectly. Sometimes I do get a bit frustrated with the pace I’m progressing. Probably the same feeling as being a disciple of a master who is still training on the basics every single day.

It’s not that I’m sad or anything… it’s not even that the smile on my face is fake… Somehow… on the surface of things, in a way I’m indeed happy with my own life.

But at times when I was on my own… at those times when I dwell deeper and deeper into my own being, I can’t seem to find that smile deep down in my heart. I pretty much notice that what I have written down in my LJ is much more of the deeper aspect of myself, I’m starting to notice that the happy smileys that I have typed… doesn’t really mean a real smile from within.

That pretty much made me noticed that there’s a lot of issues that I’m not really …

Well, chaos not as in my life a complete ruin or mess. Everything’s fine here.

But more like… how I see my present situation is more like a unpredictable and random board of chess. Not that anything bad has happen in some way or the other, but somehow… well, how should I put it… things turning out much different from what I have expected.

Or, in another way of putting it, the shattering of a planned storyline in the head, I suppose.

Somehow I’m still feeling a bit nervous somehow, it’s like… I’m starting to find myself exposing to a bigger world than I thought. And looking at myself at the moment, it’s like… I have been staying in my own my space for a long time, and I’m …