Been in a very angst-ridden and frustrated mood today, well… it was a roller coaster ride indeed these days ^^||.

… Probably still caused by the fact that I don’t like losing things that I (at least, perceived) that I hold dear to. Or at least when things get out from my own hands, I think. At times like this, some of the most negative aspect does shown in some way or the other: possessiveness, emotional, self-pity, jealousy… all lot of different emotions came to me. As much as I didn’t show it (or at least kept it to myself), it’s not really a good idea to vent it on my own surroundings (although I think it had leaked a bit in some way)… after all, it’s still a problem of my own …

What is it really? The feeling of love! In which its meaning was unto its own, which can’t be expressed using any medium.

What would you call as the greenest pasture? What would you call as a paradise?

At this blinding pace of life, I don’t whether I wanted to call that barrier as a hindrance or an opportunity to growth. Or probably I’m just seeing challenges as a massive roadblock in which it’s hard enough to go around it or go over it? Not sure whether I’m magnifying every single problem that I faced in life ^^||.

At the same time, I’m in an information overloading situation that I find myself extremely weighed down. Part of the reason is probably caused by my own insistence in grasping/learning too much subjects at once. Somehow reflecting on that, I was indeed doing a lot of micromanagement in my own life… laying out my own expectations on how I would like things to be.

And as time has passed, although …

Such discontentment! As if the progress up until now seemed so minute! To what I’m comparing myself?

- Understanding self expectations -

Somehow I’m not particularly in a good mood today… somehow the feeling of some void within was still carried forward from yesterday. Or probably I just feel like… dead? Or probably less lively? Not really sure whether stress has caught up on me.

In other news, somehow I didn’t know why I’m getting so upset and irritated by a few work related call during this weekend. It’s like… it’s only a phone call or two which didn’t really last for more than 5 minutes, I can’t really think of a reason to really feel that irritated. Is it that I feel that my personal time has been invaded? Or is it that I have developed a dislike ever since the time that I felt that receiving “free computer …

As much I believe that I have repeated myself many times, I still had the same feeling of insecurity some where deep down: uncertain what the future lies. As the time my original thought of “going ahead for two years and decide what’s next later” draws nearer and nearer, in some way there’s an empty void there deep down… seemingly a lot of open possibilities.

Am I alone? Probably not. But it seems that from my perspective, I was. Probably in some way I have closed myself in? That’s something that I’m really not sure of.

Many twists and turns in life… it does made me having the impression that my life’s like a game with the outcome is a complete unknown: a mystery by its own right. What I …

Thinking of life as a series of peaks, plains and valleys… Think back of the times when I was at different points at different times… All my emotions and thoughts…

Was there really a place that I’d call a paradise? Seems like as much happiness that I had, there was never a place that would made me feel like in paradise continuously…

Was there really a place that I really despise? Seems like at every single point of time, all terrains seemed to have something that I desired of that I can’t possibly be despising it.

Is this what we call as “discontentment”? That with it, wherever I go, there’d always a hell hiding somewhere? But it seems that discontentment is not something that we can dispelled by fight or flight. Then …

A short panic drive today, felt defeated at work today. Well… for the past few months I’m starting to see my own shortcomings in my technical skills and knowledge as well as on how to handle situations and emergencies. It’d probably be easier for me to handle if I were to stop at “I’m lacking experience”, but somehow I’m not really satisfied with myself.

I’m not entirely sure whether is it that I’m lacking focus, determination, intelligence and enthusiasm, or that I felt worn out throughout the year. Or probably it’s just my unrealistic expectation that everything should be smooth sailing and that I’m a perfect person who can just handle everything.

What am I really comparing against? Somehow I’m not really sure of the answer …

Hmm… nothing much to say about today, really. But somehow just contemplating the same old stuff that I still can’t find the answers to, and that I do feel like… there’s a lot of things that I still have to learn: Work and life, to be more specific. And that I’m still trying to decode some hidden expressions and messages from the communication of the people close to me… somehow I just felt that there must be something valuable behind, no matter how trivial they may seem to be.

Somehow that does made me wonder whether thinking everything that happened and deep contemplation is a bit too much ^-^||. In some ways I really felt the urge to let things go and live life without restraint, I wonder what’s holding me back …