Been through a total breakdown yesterday (see previous impromptu post) and it lasted until this morning: I just felt like a very upset kid unable to get what he wanted. Mostly its just my pent up dissatisfaction in life broken loose… on work (stress levels picking up at a level that I cannot cope), life (the emptiness issue), myself (disappointed by the fact that I’m not progressing at all) and love matters (just it appears… or perhaps may be the fact that chances of me getting together with the one I really liked at the moment is slim. Or probably I just desperately wished that he wasn’t all that stoic).

Somehow I only managed to cheer up thanks to Yuan Hui (my colleague). Thinking about it, I was pretty much being coaxed like …

What is persistence? What is letting go?
What is stubbornness? What is giving up?

Beyond the contradiction, is the outcome really determines the worth of our own actions?
Stretched between the two extremes, what decides the true decision?

Is there really an ideal? Or it’s more of an imaginary utopia? If so, to what extent one’s paradise may become to be?
In such a vast world, probably I’m just trapped in a small cage of my own doing…

Current mood weather: Clear skies with small clouds Forecast mood weather tomorrow: Ditto?

Feeling better today after voicing out my own worries in LJ yesterday. Thinking about it, I was surprisingly negative… well, probably because I always adopted the “figure out the worst scenario and prepare for it beforehand” mindset. May seem like a bad thing, but at least I managed to survive several times because of it (emm… is it? More like I’m capable to “survive” in the simulation that goes in my head ^-^||).

But even so, more or less I do have my own self doubts that I’m currently dealing with. Well… if it’s something that only involves myself, probably I’m capable to deal with it with effort. But if it’s something that was related to others and …

[Chapter: DOWN]

… And so the days continues which I still feel like shit (literally), slump’s not over, so it seemed. Feeling of emptiness, heartbreaks and losing confidence still looms my inner sky that it was suffocating.

Feeling like crying several times yet I still can’t really pour them out. Everything seems like a breakdown at the moment… which all hopes, dreams and fantasies in my head seems to become so impossible that only despair was to be natural to me.

“Is it worth to continue living on… such a life of emptiness?”

Somehow I felt myself completely split (schizo?)… yet the discontentment of not finding the answer and my own present outcome was so in my mind that I was completely confused.

… And it has been a while I having dreams at night …

最近不知道为什么，特别喜欢说“笨蛋”。（至少在心里面）

是因为想骂你那似乎迟钝又没什么关心体贴吗？还是骂自己那不敢积极争取又充满单方面的爱情幻想？

现在所看到的，是一向来的事实吗？还是这场延长战的连锁效应？似乎自己真的是一切都看得不太清楚。

或许自己在妒忌吧…总是觉得别人能够轻而易举得到你的笑容与接触，自己似乎得来有点费力。是自己多心吗？还是只是自己十分贪心？还是自己那要求，都只是自己想要的虚空幻想？

其实自己真正想要的，是你的“立场”吗？还是是你的“肯定／否定”？或许这个举棋不定的家伙，最需要的是轻轻地被拉一拉还是推一推的（现实是不太可能那么温柔吧？）。

…或许是想要，那小小的“温柔”吧…

I don’t know why recently I liked to call people “idiot”. (At least in my heart)

Is it because I wanted to scold you for that seemingly insensitivity as well as the lack of care? Or that I’m scolding myself for that timidness, fear to single-mindedly pursue my dreams as well as my own one-directional love fantasies?

Is that whatever I’m seeing now, has all the while been the truth? Or that a chain reaction of such a long extended battle? Seems that even I myself wasn’t even able to see anything clearly.

Maybe I’m just feeling jealous… Always …

In a world often being perceived as black and white, probably my “gray area” approach and views in life was both a blessing and a curse? As much as I knew the joys of openness, the troubles is to be understood as well.

Or probably it wasn’t a problem but that I was less firm and confident when it comes to assert what I want from others and drawing the solid line? Probably I wouldn’t that much job related stress now if I were to be discuss my role and responsibility and iron out the details when I was first offered something new to work on. Now I find myself stumped and confused when it comes to what am I supposed to do about handling the new system.

Sometimes I just felt that …

Been catching up with Jigoku Shoujo lately, and it has been very thought provoking in many ways. Somehow it does made me wonder whether is it that I really like these kind of things that contains moral ambiguity ^^|||. Probably it reflect that aspect of myself… being more open… well, in a way, anyway.

But somehow it also proves to be my worst shortcoming, so it seems. A lot of times I withheld and suppress a lot of things in the name of respecting others, as in making sure whether others allows me to do so, or that they were open to what I’m going to do. Probably a constant theme throughout my whole LJ (life?), I think. Sometimes things just slipped by in the end.

I do have to admit that part of it …

Been watching Jigoku Shoujo/Girl from Hell (地獄少女) anime these few days, as much as I have only watch 6 episodes of it, I can’t help not to really ponder about it. Seeing the suffering of people in a fantasy setting which reflects part of real life… the hurts and pains that one inflicted due to another’s views on life.

As much seeing from the surface who’s good and who’s evil is easily separable… but looking more deeper into it, is that really the case…? What is to be defined as “good” and what is to be defined as “evil”? Even seeing the interactions of different fictional characters in each episode with different scenarios, the further I look into it, the harder it is for me to tell. Is the antagonist …

Not sure whether is it the lack of happenings or that my thoughts are much harder to describe in words, it has been pretty silent when it comes to writing. Is it that I didn’t like to repeat myself about my own routine life? Or is it one of those days that I can’t get inspire with something? Or that it’s just the result of myself mincing my own words when it comes to writing about my life and surroundings?

Or probably with everything going on at work, it just hard not to focus on figuring out how to solve the problems that arise? Hmm…

But to be honest, there’s just some thing that I have problems in comprehending… about how I’m feeling about various things. I’m not even …

It’s been a quiet birthday today, probably been a while I didn’t spend quiet time alone: reading books, enjoying good food, watching anime… Just simple pleasures with myself, so it is.

24 years I have been here, I wonder how much that I have been through? Somehow that’s something that I didn’t understand completely… or at least I can’t pinpoint the scope of my own question :). In some way or the other, the birthday wish for this year is still almost the same as last year in terms of pattern. It’s just a small wish, really, but sometimes the simplest things may be the hardest thing to get in life, isn’t it?

There’s more for me to learn, really. At this point (I believe I have repeated …