Starting to get some really big ticket purchases, and to be honest it’s more of a whim of mine than anything. As seems as if I wanted to put some extra challenges in planning my budget? Or probably I feel like enjoying a little more, with a little bit of risk in my own life? Starting from now, my account books are going to be a bit rocky and balancing them out would be more challenging that last year :).

Think it’d just about time for me to get a bit more creative in this aspect.

Anyway, my current and future list (planned) which I had in mind at the moment:

Now - California Fitness Infinity membership (i.e. lifetime, yearly prepaid membership): installments starts from next month for two years

May - Cambodia trip, estimated …

Finally, I get to meet Allen in person! 😄 All these while we have been good friends chatting on MSN most of the time for years and it’s pretty exciting to me :).

When I first met him he sort of reminds me of Tommy (aka MYPPF current team leader, which is the group that I was once in). And probably sharing certain traits with some other MYPPF members as well. Probably because of his facial features, hairstyle and certain speech patterns. Not sure whether is it my own tendency to relate people with someone I knew in the past, or that it is indeed fact, though. Only difference is probably his personality, probably Tommy’s opposite? I’m not that sure myself, though, at the moment I can’t only base him from what I …

Been uber pessimistic today, still feeling as if a part of me had been missing… feeling lonely, perhaps? By all means, I still know that he meant a lot to me and having that distance between me and him still gave me the heartaches.

I know it sounded silly thinking that I’m still brooding over him whom had made it clear that he’s not that “type” of person. This happening thrice made me feel even the more miserable. It’s like… I wanted him badly yet I can’t do anything as I don’t want to manipulate the very person I like the most. It’s just… that hard for me; and that I was hurting myself in order to protect his “choice”.

“… Knowing that I had far more wishes that I …

So it seems that the year started of with several failures, currently with one system which I’m taking care of being phased out… I’m sort of feeling numb of all this. As if I’m already waiting for all the rubble to crumble down into a complete desert plane.

“… How do you feel when you start to lose what you thought you can hold on…?”

With this numbness, with my emotions being watered down to silence… the only thought in my head now is to wait until the dust settles down.

“… What is it that I’m actually missing in life…?”

Currently the questions that I have to ask myself, what lessons that I’m able to learn from this experience? What should I be doing now to change the situation that I …

What does it means “to be who you are”?

Yes! Finally! I got my CD collection all converted to MP3, which the whole conversion thingy took me like months to complete o.

Hope I’m not going to do the whole conversion again… as much I’d prefer other more file saving formats than MP3s, it’s still the universally accepted format for most portable players. So there, hope it’ll still remain it’s status as the de facto standard.

And after all the conversion, it comes out to be 18G O_O||, that pretty much means that it would be wise for me to aim for the 60/80G models in the markets. But probably something that I would only buy soonest by next year.

Hope that my 15G iPod will last for a long time, I don’t mind swapping and rotating …

Just came back from Uncle Francis’ place just now, thanks to a very, very last minute invitation from Aunt Hong (both relatives from my mother’s side). Pretty much the main reason is my cousin, Jason, came back from Australia and, to be extremely honest, when Aunt Hong called me and told me about it, I can’t seem to recall who’s Jason. Probably due to the fact that he had been in Australia for the past four years and even when he’s back in Malaysia during Chinese New Year, his appearance is so brief that I never really get to know him well.

And it’s like… UNTIL I reached the place, see him in person that I recall that cute boy as I remembered when I was pretty much a kid …

Remember… don’t get used to your pains: Welcome them! Feel them! Experience them! And by whatever means possible: Remember them!

- The first steps -

Day two, and I don’t feel like counting it up anymore. -_-||

Everything is pretty much normal as usual, except for some minor details that one may or may not be able to notice… subtle changes. Somehow it just felt as the people around me had knew in one way or the other.

Ripples of emotions can still be felt, to be honest… is it bearable compared to the past? I’m not too sure about in terms of comparison of degrees, but it seemed that I still manage it now. Although there’s that small disappointment that yearns for physical and emotional warmth and closeness from time to time… it can’t be helped at the moment as it’s something unfulfilled up until now.

“… What can I give you, even when you are far away from me…?”

虽然心中仍然是那样，隐隐作痛，但现在所看得到的我脸上的笑容，确实也不是虚伪的。并不是要隐瞒其他人，若别人要是不小心，其实还是会为那为复合的伤口而流泪。只是很努力的学习，不让脸庞上的泪迹感到失望。

就这样继续加油吧！

Although my heart still remained the same, still feeling the pain, but the smile that you saw on my face, is indeed not faked. Not that I want to hide it from anybody, even if someone were to be not careful, I still will cry at the pain of that healing wound. Is just that I’m still working hard to continue to learn, not letting the trails of tears on my cheeks down.

So… let’s continue to work hard and be strong!