Their so called: Singles’ Awareness Day. Just got my package with Sweetbox’s Adagio, We Love TechPara and Ultra’s Stadium: just good timing as my valentine’s day gift to myself. But I knew it’s only much as a temporal gratification as worldly possession can do.

One thing for sure is that TechPara is certainly making me feel dizzy. @_@ It’d take some time for me practising to really get a gist of it. Definitely need to know how the generic song structure goes.

Somehow I have been thinking about the comment “Your smile seemed fake”, this was commented to me from a few friends of mine over a span of years. As much I’m not sure whether is it like I have always been like that thing or it’s …

When you say “(S)He’s my everything”, do you really know what “everything” really meant? For one thing it might mean that you’re just nothing more than just an empty shell.

A gift bestowed on someone, can be both a blessing and a curse: as things and power is neutral and distinction and discrimination only comes from our own perception.

Therefore… it all comes down to how this gift is manifested… forming the “world” and giving insights on the true nature of “form” itself.

- the formless -

Just after I posted my previous entry and sort of contemplate it when I was doing my daily chores, I was wondering whether I’m actually contradicting myself a bit ^^||: on the attraction part, that is. (Paragraph 4 and 6, namely) As much as I could have rationalise it off with “having a preference doesn’t mean that I have to be attracted to them all the time”, but I’m not sure whether I really meant something else: a few examples that “it takes more than just looks and the body for me to relate to somebody”, “looking back at the past few crushes that I had, this is the pattern”, “when I loved someone, I would like to explore all dimensions of that person: physically, emotionally and spiritually”… something among those, I guess …

Things are calm now, just thinking how much did I “understand” on a lot of stuff. Not sure whether I really understood “love” in its essence, especially.

But I do understand that I’m facing difficulty at work and my own future plans. Still having some clashing values and the environment seemed to be a bit pessimistic at the moment. If handled badly, that would spell stress to myself and others. Somehow I’m still wondering what really means by “working happily”… is it something that was mostly provided externally or something that comes from within? It seems to me that any happiness that was provided by external factor will not last, but that’s my hypothesis at the moment.

Anyway, does seemed that I find myself watching more shoujo love comedy, anime, that is …

Seems that the search is going to be intense… to search the unique “meaning” to life. Seeking to understand my own “semantics” and “views/perception”, challenging every single “belief” that I had in the quest to search the “truth”. An arduous journey.

Currently feeling “tired” to move on, “unmotivated” to do anything more. But do I understand the reason behind these “feelings” and “emotions”, as finding myself taking long “breaks” and “rest” doesn’t seem to help at all?

At this point… there’s no way for me to know what my “future” will be…

- the search -

… that has been one of my frequent comments when people asked how I was recently, which is indeed pretty much true in the sense that I don’t really have a social life anymore. Most of my time was spent with my colleagues and my aunt and there aren’t any life beyond that small circle of people. But even so, I was pretty much alone most of the time, not sure whether is it a reflection of who I am, or that I didn’t know that I’m actually being left out for some reason, or some other reasons.

… Not that I’m really concerned, but I can’t really ignore it either.

Anyway, that aside, yesterday was the presentation night (i.e. prize giving ceremony) for our programming competition, but nothing exciting …

A few days ago I was chatting with Allen and we sort of come round about the discussion on the concept of love and self love. Although this is only part of the chat that we had, I think this portion has my arguments well formed enough to warrant a LJ post for my own reference. The user names are pretty self evident that no need for me to explain.

[Update @ 1:18am: This is the actual final version, been editing this error-prone log several times just now ^^||]

[Beginning of chat] (10:53:47) ♪.59: Maiden of Tears: Gabriella: felix
(10:54:13) Felix Leong: hmm?
(10:54:45) ♪.59: Maiden of Tears: Gabriella: umm just a thought, did u ever give u enough self love?
[Snipped to keep it short, but basically we noticed …

… nah, probably not. As much as I feel like saying that in some situations, but I never had any influence over anybody. Not to mention that I don’t have the heart to do so on purpose.

Just notice that the tracklist is out, but damn avex knows how to squeeze every single penny out from Ayu’s fans (umm… actually ALMOST EVERY WELL-KNOWN JAPANESE MEDIA COMPANIES ARE MONEY SUCKERS! D:).

The DVDs are definitely worth owning (well… since I didn’t own any of her video collection DVDs, that means that I don’t have any official videos that predates the MY STORY album) :)! CD wise… well… I think most likely they will be using the album mix for most of them? I don’t know, I hope that they throw in several acoustic mixes from her singles or something (less likely, I suppose?). And I’m wondering whether avex will include all two PVs for Dearest (am I asking too much here? ^^||).

SOMEHOW I CAN’T believe that they …