Just for some safety reason, here’s the short, friends-only part of the entry:

How shall I put it… I just feel that I’m much better off focusing most of my energies on finding a male partner instead of putting myself in a see-saw of my own bisexuality. (Or to some, the “stop-beating-around-the-bush” label means that I’m gay) It’s not really that I’m closing the doors of possibilities for myself to have a girlfriend, but up until now, I’m able to meet a lot of interesting guys but I have yet to notice an outstanding girl who would have glued me down as much as some of the guys I know (I have yet to see a female version of the same standards, or being close to the standards, of …

They aren’t hard decisions to make, but somehow tradeoffs had to be made. In a way, I just have to face the fact that there are some times, I just can’t have goals which has two ends at their polar opposites (or the old saying “You can’t have the best of both worlds”), and that I really have to understand the fact that taking one side of the road doesn’t mean that I’m rejecting or opposing the other. I understand very clearly that as much as I’m extremely open with the every single option I had, in the end, I still have to make the ultimate decision to take only one: and eventually if that doesn’t work out, I know that my other options will not be completely …

Without notice, probably some of my actions and decision might have steered my directions in life. Anxious, I am, as I’m feeling unsure what lies beyond what I strive for. All I need now is to remind myself that at every end of the line, it’s never an end but a beginning.

And that, another journey begins…

Bit by bit, I’m still learning how to cope with what I thought was habits in the past. Little that I knew that these are merely traits that reflects back on my own fears, insecurities, anxiety and worries… Fear that I don’t get accepted, fear that I’m unable to get what I wanted, fear that I’m unable to achieve what I expected, fear that everything will be taken away from me, fear that I’m not worthy enough… Each and every time, I constantly find myself shrinking back timidly.

Only that I knew that it’s really not something that can be modified or repressed: It’s completely impossible to do so, because these traits are part of my own defence mechanism. Only that I knew that to cure these traits …

Slow day it is today as I’m staying back at home to work on some web design today. Nothing much happened yesterday either as I find myself buying Fruits Basket 10 and 11 for myself and Fuushigi Yuugi Part II 4 (FC Premium edition, which comes with a mini drama CD) for my sister. Still need to get the Chinese edition of Fruits Basket 17 before I mail it to her :).

Then I got my portrait shoot of my family during my graduation:

(I guess I didn’t need to do much explaining: my mother is on sitting on the left while my father is on the right)

Then I bleached my hair again, now it takes more of a bright orange hue.

Other than that, I have been sneezing very badly today, probably …

心中总是有些一直说不出口的话语…总是希望，有一天，有人会听得见…

There are some words inside my heart that never get to be spoken… And I always hoped that, someday, someone will be able to hear it…

I bumped into LJBooks from an advertisement, which claims to convert your LJ entries into a PDF, which can in turn be published as an eBook or sorts.

That idea sounds pretty nifty to me :).

These few week has been hard for myself: not because of others but because of myself. Getting over with my attachment to my past feelings isn’t as simple as I thought: Everytime I thought I gotten myself over with it, my feelings just strikes backs, telling me “OH NO YOU DON’T!”. My attempt to stick “label” with regards my relationship to these very people (say… from love to friends) is almost close to impossible as it’s only a form to cheat myself and covering things up.

Only I notice that facing my real feelings is one of the hardest challenge that I have faced so far… Only I notice that my “love” seems to me like a possessive nature… which isn’t actually love after all. Only I notice that I have …

零碎的思绪中，好像一切都毫无秩序：

• 突然而来的感觉，让我换了另一个角度。
• 无需刻意寻找，幸福就在已身边。
• 一切变化无常，有时让我看不清楚。
• 追逐梦想很重要，但停顿休息也不能忽略。
• 在这不平稳的舞台上，也不能放弃生命的舞蹈。
• 扫去心中的那层尘埃，才发现到你眼神中的那份灿烂。原来让我看不清楚的是我自己。
• 一切变化无常，却让我体会到真实不变的存在。
• 才发现，变的，不是身边的一切，而是自己的角度。

静下来想一想，原来一直寻找的答案，就已经隐蕴在心中。

Within my fragmented thoughts, it seems like everything is out of order:

• A feeling that suddenly came to me, (has) let me changed another perspective.
• Even without pursing purposely, happiness is already by your side.
• Everything changes, sometimes make me unable to see clearly.
• Pursuing dreams is important, but don’t neglect oneself to stop and rest.
• Even on this unsteady dance floor, one should not stop the dance of life.
• Dusting off my heart, then I only notice the colours in your eyes. Only I realised that what really blinded me is my own self.
• Everthing changes, but that makes me understand the existence of an unchanging reality.
• Only I …