Now one more goal has been added to list: that I want to improve my health, fitness level and body shape :). I have drawn out my own schedule to make sure that I exercise at least one hour, 4 days a week. So I really hope that this will enhance my physical wellness.

Somehow I do feel like doing gradual changes in redefining myself, so to align myself with my own set of core principles and values in terms of body, heart and soul. And I can foresee that it’s not going to be easy in the short run — in fact I cannot rule out the possibility of danger. Not to mention that my core principles and values may be wrong, but I really wanted to take the initiative to improve my own lifestyle …

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Trying to make a dual tone hair colour (the reason I got it bleached :p),, but it turns out that auburn is too light to make a contrast statement. But now my hair has a more natural colour now, which at least compensates for that :).

But somehow this attempt is kinda disastrous, in a way, as I accidentally stained clothing and towel (luckily those are my least favourite ones), then when I tried to rinse it, the dye got into my right eye and nose O_O|||. And gosh that burns >_<. Washed that off using a lot of water, but when I rinse my nose, the water ran through my nostrils and the water come out from my mouth (OUCH!). Everything’s good now, I’m still feeling my eye and nose sore a bit …

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One very strong insight, imparted by two friends, Ahmed and Allen, that really put me into deep thought until now: Of that the grave fear of going straight to the point. It not the first time I heard that statement: since childhood, this very comment has been given to me again and again by the people around me. But somehow it does seems that I shrug that off every time… except for now that I really wanted to put things into perspective.

Perhaps taking my own LJ as an example: a lot of times I have been, in a way, “speaking in codes”. Or probably I might as well say that I purposely “left out some vital, very tangible information relating to what I actually want to convey”. My own LJ has always been a …

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My will / dream

そっと目覚める
儚い想いずっと どんな季節(とき)でも願うよ
 あなたに届くようにと…

“あと少し”という距離が踏み出せなくて
いつも目の前は 閉ざされていたの
会いたい 会えない日々を重ねるたびに
 強いときめきは切なさになるよ

もしも永遠というものがあるなら
遠回りしてでも 信じてみたい
「不器用だからキズつく事もある」と
分かっても止まらない もう誰にも負けない

あなたの事を想う
それだけで涙が 今溢れだしてくるよ
儚い想いずっと どんな季節(とき)でも願うよ
 あなたに届くようにと…

強がる事だけ知りすぎていた私
だけどあの時から 迷いは消えたよ

見せたいと思うものがきっとあって
聴かせたい言葉も たくさんある
笑顔泣き顔も全部見て欲しくて
待っている私はやめて “チャンス”を掴むよ

あなたの事を想う
それだけで心が 強くなれる気がするよ
儚い想いずっと どんな季節(とき)でも願うよ
 あなたに届くようにと

あなたの事を想う
それだけで涙が 今溢れだしてくるよ
遠くて声が 届かないだけどいつかは
 必ず届くように

信じて ｌａｌａ…

---

[:: English Translation ::] by Takayama Miyuki
Source: http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/inuyasha/mywill.htm

Quietly awakening…
I always, always wish
that these fleeting thoughts
would reach you…

Unable to move forward across “just a little more” distance
The way I see before me is always blocked
Every time the days I want to see you but can’t pile up,
My strong heartbeat turns into heartbreak.

If there is such a thing as “eternity,”
I want to believe …

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It a time when you stand in the middle of nowhere: One leads back where you came from, another probably would lead to a point of no return… and there’s no way to know the outcome.

A time when the only fact that you can be 100% sure of is those within yourself, but that itself might also be distorted by your own emotions; and every external fact that can be obtained is only mere perception of your own.

Finding myself standing at this point, it’s the best time when weakness and doubt come creeping in… but their calling is no where from invalid from a certain point of view…

OK, real entry about yesterday 😛 (triple post, woohoo :p). Anyway, just started out my workout regime yesterday morning in the fitness club with Sze Hau. 😊 And it’s the first time I find myself having to actually wake up at 6 in the morning without any help from others (OK, maybe not: I still need that alarm clock). But I’m so excited and motivated to just go out and have my muscle stretched. And Sze Hau is definitely being a great friend to give the support I needed (directly and indirectly) ^-^. I’m really thankful for that :), and I really wanted to know how to repay his kindness :).

The first day is definitely a great struggle to me, as I have TOTALLY no idea how to use those machines, how should I exercise, what …

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Finaly I’m starting to take the first step: Making some decisions that I dare not make in the past. Subtle and invisible it is, but my steer of directions would impact my own personal life.

Probably I’ll be hurt, probably I’ll lose friends, probably I’ll be vulnerable… millions of negative possibilities might arise, challenge me in many ways. Probably I can make it, probably I won’t, probably I might chicken out, or probably I’ll lose everything… nobody can guarantee what’s going to happen.

In a way, I’m starting to allow myself to make mistakes… allowing a chance for myself to actually learn and grow, instead of shrink back to my old shell. As I started to notice that my nervousness and fear of achieving and getting what …

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Confidence is just another word of “trust”: The very beautiful quality of humans to trust both external and internal factors, both possibilities and limitations, both good and bad, is the very sandbox of your own life, fate and destiny that you want to mould and pursue.

Don’t try to be hostile to those who intend to help, even if these help come or executed in a offending way to you. Your attempt to protect your ego will backfire to you in the end.

Hence, should there’s something you can’t agree upon, debate to search the truth, but never fight like a barbarian to protect your illusionary ego.

Today not only marks one of the most important days in Malaysia: The day of her independence, it also marks the end of this month’s nation wide mega sales carnival. And the despite the fact that I’m getting myself into high waters (and mind you that I said that with the fact that I just received my pay check, which is definitely enough to ring a lot of panic alarms), I went out today for some, um… last day bargain shopping spree XD.

Anyway, I only bought stuff for my fitness commitment: I definitely need tracksuits as I never actually own any of them up until now XD. So for the time being, I got myself some three-quarter length sport pants (Note: Umm… does anyone know what these pants are actually called? ^^”), a …

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