The idea of wishing someone, including oneself, to be happy forever is totally absurd.

Phew! I finally got round to tag all the important entries that I’m able to identify from the titles (Luckily that I have the habit to put certain keywords for special sections). I’ll tag the other important entries that I’ve missed when I have the extra time.

As for now, I’m working on a new layout, and it’ll be much cooler than before (and less plain as it is now). I’m thinking of working on a more upbeat and happier theme for it (imagine baby blue), instead of the previous deeper and probably more sombreful theme that I have used in the past (imagine darker blue hues). I think I’ll work on something that can really reflect who I am now.

Anyway, for those who are interested, do …

I woke up today feeling totally different, and just finding myself readjusting, redefining and realigning some of my values on my head. Everything is still in a work-in-progress, but I suppose I’ll write something about my thoughts later :).

Other than that, I have tagged entries as far back as July 2004. 😊 It’s really interesting as I uncover some of my hidden treasures and reviewing all my thoughts in the past. Hmm… and probably I need to change a theme that supports tags :).

Been spending some time tagging my previous LJ entries, so that I can categorise some of my most important and valuable threads. I managed to tag everything from last December until now, which means I’m left with like… 11 months worth of entries @_@||. But it’s not a very hard process, so I think I can do that later.

The main reason I do this is to archive all my drifting thoughts, so that I can review it in times to come. For those who are interested, you can refer to them here:

It contains a lot of my own thoughts, philosophies, inquiries, personal development and some of my personal history. Somehow just skimming through them makes me feel like there’s a lot of recurring themes in these.

It’s definitely a …

Spent some time at home, doing some soul searching on my part.

It’s like… I have been quite some time that I notice my emotional patterns as well as knowing how I handle situations when I’m disappointed or down, and somehow I’m surprised that I haven’t changed much from that point. All the time, I have been putting myself in some sort of a Lose/Win relationship when it comes to close relationships, that things like emotional suppression, concealed sarcasm and indirect aggression seems to be my typical cycle when I feel neglected or not being able to get what I want to get what I wanted. And only I notice how emotionally dependent I am to the views of others and how others treat me.

And so because of that …

Here’s a few photos that would scare you grins 😛:

Although I work as a programmer now, my desk will always be cluttered with the trusty-old pen and paper (together with other stationery). Guess I’m still in love with things analogue :p.

Notice the tons of PostIt notes on my monitor? Those are basically motivational messages 😉

Some of my technical books has migrated here 😊

My Eurobeat collection:

My Pop (Mostly J-Pop) collection:

I’m just relieved that Super Euro Christmas 2003 and Triple Crown doesn’t get lost in the mail. Phew~

Still learning how not to take things too personally in some situations, especially when it comes to minor things that goes against what I wished for or envisioned it to be. I understand that I shouldn’t take my blessings for granted and I will learn how to put myself in other people’s shoes and understand their needs and situation.

That implies that I also need to understand my obsessive-compulsive and (sometimes) selfish behaviour and make some necessary adjustment as well.

Sounds like a challenging task to me… BRING IT ON!

[:: NOTE ::]

New section this time :). These “Life Goals” posts are essentially promises that I made to myself in the process of improve myself.

I have a small request to those who read this: If I violated these goals in anyway, you don’t …

Allen says: it may sound harsh and unfair…(me myself are not able to accept that too) letting go mean love him, let him happy makes u happy

Felix says: that’s probably the hardest lesson

Allen says: but still i’ll keep question that “y i can ever deserve him, i have needs too, what did i ever do wrong?”
Allen says: but still there’s 2 answer found “he’s str8” and “there’s no answer for it”
Allen says: “let my true feelings and love go and settle for substitute that i barely feel as strong as him? y is it so unfair?”

Felix says: ah… isn’t that familiar?

Allen says: slowly becomes “if i have to let go…i guess i think substitute way to love him for myself is …

This has happened again, and I really don’t want to repeat the whole cycle that I have gone through with Choon Hui again:

What should I do if a friend (more specifically, Sze Hau) suddenly seem to act differently, as seem to keep a further distance with me?

Obviously I can’t be sure about what other thinks except for myself, and it’s not a right time for me to ask him about it as he’s not feeling well today. But here’s what I know (and it MIGHT be wrong, considering that my information can be distorted by many factors):

About myself:- Probably after I have decided to take another step forward, my own mental perception of him has changed: which my desires and expectation was raised over a higher bar …

Decision made, actions taken, (if I didn’t observe wrongly) the wheel is turning, my environment is starting to take a different turn…

Only thing I can do now is to ante up with the challenge, and never look back. Hurt and pain may come, things may not turn out the way I wanted it to be… But it’s not a time for me to lose focus to get what I ultimately wanted in life.

My maxim will never change, that “I will learn, change, improve and appreciate myself for the best of others and myself”, and nobody’s gonna stop me now!