Very short story cut shorter: I work on my PC so late that when I actually go out to get the bus tickets home, it was already sold out ^-^||.

So, I’m still here in PJ, but I got the tickets for tomorrow at 9, so I definitely need to wake up early. I’ll miss the mountain hiking, though, so… well, I’m guilty to admit this but it’s definitely a good thing ^-^|||||.

In other news… I’m starting to dabble around with Chinese/Cantonese pop music. So been spending some time browsing through the budget corner to fish some good deals :p. The only thing now is that I’m not that good in identifying which are originals and which aren’t (unlike my keen eye to avex releases XD), but that …

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Not really feeling much at ease lately… like… feeling unnatural, somehow.

Honestly speaking I just felt like I was treated… differently. On the outset, everything is pretty much the same, yet I do have a feeling that both of us knew that there’s something between us and it’s really not the same anymore.

… And that really made me anxious, it’s really like I’m groping in the dark without any sort of direction.

sigh Being human isn’t easy, is it?

---

Anyway, I’ll be taking the bus home back to my hometown later. We’ll be visiting our ancestor’s graves on Sunday for Qing Ming, and judging from the rainy season, I suppose it’s going to be a very muddy trip indeed.

Will be back on Monday.

Poems have always my favourite form of creative writing, and I still remembered how much I enjoyed that format every since I was in Form 3 in secondary school :).

Browsing through my collections of poems that I have written in LJ, as condensed that words seems to be, but the overflowing emotions are still well retained after all the time and tide I have been through.

Somehow I wonder whether these poems are that expressive, or that some things never changed? ^-^||

As I read them through, I was kind of thinking… whether is it possible to give them some form of melody to go with it? All this while, my poem writing style did somewhat resembles the structures of song lyrics (JPop/CPop), that really made me curious :).

There’s a lot of stories behind …

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是否没有勇气的人，永远都只会被命运和自己惩罚…？ Is it that those without any courage, will always be punished by fate and him/herself…?

前注：[Foreword]

听雪狼湖的原声带中陈洁仪的“原来只想共你活一天”（粤）/“祈求可以共你活一天”（国）总是很有强烈的感触，心酸和感伤。或许自己的故事和玉凤（陈洁仪的角色）真的很相似。

或许没有一个人，想要成为只能在“他”的背后偷偷瞻仰的角色。都是期盼着可以在身边互相相爱，一起走过这一段红尘吧！

…到底我要让心中那胆怯的影子保留到几时？

或许连我自己也不知晓吧…

Everytime I listened to Nadia Chan’s “I really wish to live with you for one day” (Mandarin/Cantonese) in Snow Wolf Lake musical’s OST, I always had very strong emotions and sorrows. Maybe my own story is quite similar to Yu Feng’s (Nadia’s character) in the musical.

Maybe no one wants to be the one who can only silently admire that special one from behind. And (we) always hoped that we can be with that person side by side, loving each other and walked the same life journey together.

… For how long I want to remain in the same timid shadow?

Maybe I don’t know that answer myself…

I got this small, invisible wound on the tip of my tongue that I can’t talk or eat without feeling slight tinges of pain. >_<||

So pretty much I tried to keep my speech as frugal that I can make it to be.

This is really annoying… I really hoped that it’d heal soon.

一直守候在你身边，怕你我会厌烦。
 但没有你陪的时刻，自己却会心烫。

一丝丝思念的情怀，
 到底是在想你，还是只是满足自己？

其实好多好多时候，觉得不了解你。
 在黯然神伤的眼神，到底说些什么？

一段段悲痛的感觉， 到底伤心是你，还是迷惑中的自己？

一直不敢坦诚相对，怕你我会逃避。
 但没有深度的话语，自己却会叹气。

一丝丝压抑的关怀，
 到底是在隐瞒，还是只是欺骗自己？

其实好多好多时候，很想要了解你。
 在平淡无奇的生活，一起分担分享。

一段段漫长的路程，
 寻找一份勇气，坦诚和你走在一起。

…这，是我小小的心愿。

Being by your side all the time, I’m afraid both of us will get bored
But without you by my side, I ended up getting heartaches myself

Bits and pieces of the feelings of missing you
Is it that I’m thinking of you, or I’m just satisfying myself?

In reality, a lot of times, I feel that I don’t understand you
Behind those sorrowful eyes, what they are saying?

Bits and pieces of the feelings of sorrow
Is it that you’re sad, or the one who’s actually sad is that confused me?

All awhile I really am not being …

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Roll-on deodorants that uses glass bottles could use a rubber grip by the sides. (I just broke one today in the bathroom, which is definitely a mess ^-^||)

OK, seriously…

I just came back from MATTA fair just now, which is essentially the only well-known travel fair in this region. The original intent of having myself going there is to search for a good deal for my travel plan. But instead, I ended up only going there to see and grab price tags as well as having myself very shocked and a RM3¹ reality check.

The main focus I’m at here is probably not the price (it has a influencing factor, as we’ll explore later), it’s more on having my financial perceptions being stirred up. Or more straight to the point… it …

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It’s been a while… that my tears has flown down cheek.

It was yesterday when I was, by sudden coincidence, watching the PV (promotional video, aka MV, music video) of Ayumi Hamasaki’s No way to say. It’s somewhere midway when the little boy snatched the pack of tissue and present it to Ayu that made me clicked, seeing myself shoving out the lyrics translation… and just cried shortly after.

Looking back, there’s lots of moments when I was feeling down, when I was feeling aching, when I was feeling ripples in my heart… yet my tear glands seemed to dried up.

As if I have lost that capability.

…

Sometimes… my own weakness is probably the hardest thing for me to accept and admit. 😊

No way to say / 浜崎あゆみ

残された遠い昔の
傷跡が疼き出してまた
震えてる心隠して
 微笑みにすり替えた

いくつになっても相変わらずな私は
今でも臆病で
 強がる事ばかり覚えて行く

伝えたい想いは溢れるのに
ねぇ上手く言葉にならない
あなたに出会えていなければこんな
 もどかしい痛みさえも知らなかったね

少しずつ認め始めた
癒されぬ過去の存在と
拒めない未来にいくら
 怯えても仕方ないと

あとどの位の勇気が持てたら私は
大事なものだけを
 胸を張って大事と言えるだろう

確かな想いは感じるのに
ねぇいつも言葉に出来ない
誰もがこうして言葉にならない
 想いを抱えながら今日も生きている

伝えたい想いは溢れるのに
ねぇ上手く言葉にならない
あなたに出会えていなければこんな
 もどかしい痛みさえも知らずに

確かな想いは感じるのに
ねぇいつも言葉に出来ない
誰もがこうして言葉にならない
 想いを抱えながら今日も生きている

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No way to say / Ayumi Hamasaki

English Translation from Divine Ayu

The old wound left on me
Begins to ache
I hide my trembling heart again
And pretend to smile

Even in my age now, I’m the same as before
As timid as before
I only learn how to pretend to be strong

Though my heart is filled with feelings to convey
You see, I can’t change them into words well
If I had not met you
I wouldn’t even have such an embarrassing pain

Little by little, I’ve come to realize
That my past never …

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From the outset, my intense search is to seek acceptance from others. In actual fact, it is an ongoing attempt to seek that acceptance from myself… may myself being aware of it or not.