After some very random rambling that I had, I finally realised that I got a new acronym under my belt now: PCD - Progress Conscious Disorder. 😛

It’s not what you preach or read that matters, but it’s what you interpret, see, feel and do that counts.

Today, I caught a glimpse of my own raw self.

Just watched Over The Hedge today and I’m now still regretting the fact that I didn’t ask anyone out to share the same fun and laughter that I had with this animated feature :D.

And what else for today is that I went to the International Chinese Book Fair in KLCC today and WOA! It’s definitely a bookworms’ paradise… well, at least those who can read Chinese, that is :p. My legs are still aching after that, considering the fact that the occupied halls are just massive! Not to mention that I go through and forth from end to end.

But it had been a great day today, and the funny thing was the fact that I spent more money on music CD than books, and the only three books I bought …

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Chapter 4 — The Awakening

December 2005

Deep asleep…
All this while
I was hushed gently
that it’s time to wake up

Never easy
To open up
My whole being trembling
Knowing everything will change completely

It’s never
An easy journey
Where hope and pain
Intertwined together as one entity

Finally realised
How to live…
That I can’t be
Staying in the dark forever

Slowly approaching
My eyes opening…
This is my awakening
With my eyes watching attentively

Appreciating all experiences that enriches my being…

~ Continuously, to seek, to understand and to appreciate:
It’s an endless pilgrimage
towards the ultimate goal.
Forever… Together…~

- Felix Leong’s In Hues of Blue: From Malaysia with love -

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Chapter 5: My Way Home

June 2006

Throughout my journey, I have gained much, I have lost much …

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To be sincerely honest (OK, I know this is a grammatical redundancy), I have been pretty much covered up a lot of my true feelings in my LJ (well, as if it’s NOT OBVIOUS ENOUGH). Well, it’s not that I’m lying or anything, but that I’m extremely careful in picking my own words in describing what’s happening in my life, especially when it comes to my own relationship matters.

It’s been a year (and a half?) since I have been doing so, I still remembered how much pain that I have been through with the incident that I had with Choon Hui. And since then I’m trying hard to keep all the details pertaining to my own love life under covers, at least thinking that this defence mechanism …

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It’s been a while I haven’t been donating blood for several reasons, and this is the first time I did that for the year :). And it’s kind of fun to have a few friends coming over to join, but apparently it didn’t turn out to be as good as I would have wished. Apparently during my donation, we did get some hiccups that really shocked us in some ways.

Apparently what really made my heart sank was that… I don’t know… it’s really like, I really felt helpless and not knowing what to do especially when it comes to someone that I really cared about a lot. The most that I can do is to trust the professionals around me but still… sigh…

I really wished that I can …

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Not going specifically into detail… but let’s just say that I had a bad day today. Just one of those days when everything isn’t right… well, at least in terms of physical health and having myself being emo (somewhat).

And for some unknown reasons I did notice that I’m into some kind of denial phase… 😒 I dunno, just sorta kept a lot of stuff inside these days…

It’s some internal spring cleaning time again!

若说心情就像风筝一样，周遭的环境，人与事务就像四周的风一样：在不安定，不测与混乱中飘扬。

或许有时自己有时会忘记那个拉着线控制局面的人。只是记得自己就是风筝…

但回首想想，原来一向来自己也是糊涂了：真正的自己，正是在拉着线的那个人。

If feelings are to be described as a kite, our surroundings, people and events are just like the winds around it: Flying in all the uncertainties, unpredictable and chaos.

Maybe, sometimes I forget the person who is pulling the strings and controlling the situation. Only remembered that I’m the kite…

But thinking about it, only to realize that I am confused all this while: The real self, is exactly the one who is holding the strings.

Up until now, it’s still two selves being in the same body: One hankering to fit in with others; the other is not concerned with others but to walk on my own path.