Yup, it’s my brother all right. Just got the news from my mom that he has been transfered to the normal ward today and it is estimated that he’ll dispatched home two to three days later.

Other than that relieving news, I’m quite busy these few days as I sort things out a little. That depressing three-month old project is coming to an end soon (hopefully) and gosh that was an experience. Now I just need to settle some paperwork, do some formal testing and I can focus on something else. But one thing for sure is that I learnt quite a lot from there :).

That’s about it.

Seeing the lack of updates for the past week, I definitely owe an update.

It had been a heavy week for myself, most shocking news is about my brother: he had a serious case of lung collapse, which happened all of a sudden on Tuesday. Originally it wasn’t that bad until late at night that the condition had became critical, and he had to go through a dangerous operation and was warded into ICU after that.

It was a very desparate two days (Tuesday and Wednesday) and everyone was worried sick. Facing the possible death of someone close is definitely not something anyone would have prepared for and would want to face. Especially when that person is only 22 years of age.

I can’t do much during that time, to be honest. It …

Today’s Sook Lan’s birthday :D. Had a great time at Red Box Karaoke again. And the cappuccino cheese cake is yum! 😄 And it’s glad to hear that her preparation with her new shop is going good :), can’t wait to go there later.

The bad news? I overspent again with some budget corner CDs that it’d be a very hard budget to plan… well, provided that I put onto myself a restriction of not touching my personal savings.

And… well, as everything would have guess, I’m in my emo mood again. Well, more internal issues that needs some resolve… well, time to work on that one! And in other news, I’m picking my Japanese back up (again). Most likely it wouldn’t last long, but we’ll see what happens next anyway.

Disquiet In Silence

又是和以前一样 | Still like the same in the past
两个人在车子中 | Two people in the same car
默默在思绪徘徊 | Silently strolling back and forth in thought

笼罩着车的静寂 | The silence surrounding the car
对比着车外喧哗 | Contrasts the hustle outside it
是默契还是疏离 | Is it a silent togetherness or a unspoken separation

右边的往前注视 | The one on the right staring the front
左边的东张西望 | The one on the left looking all around
看着那不同风景 | Seeing completely different views

手似乎有了习惯 | The hand, as if developed a habit
在车座试图越界 | Attempting to cross the line on the seat
打量着两人距离 | Kept on guessing the distance between the two

脸上的若无其事 | That indifference on the face
总是隐藏不了那 | Always incapable to hide that
手心的糊涂急迫 | Stupid impatience of the hand

眼眸又不时注视 | The eyes still surveys from time to time
蠢蠢欲动的冲动 | That blundering longing
是手心还是心呢 | Is on the hands or the …

I was fiddling with my graphics tablets doing some random sketches, then this pretty got through pretty unexpectedly…

OK, I know the proportions aren’t right and it really looked sketchy ^^||. But… I don’t know, in some way, the expression of the artwork seemed to express what I felt deep down…

But I do look forward to do some real art with a graphics tablet some time. Do felt accomplished when I’m starting to get used this different style of drawing medium.

There’s two parts in me, that I can and will never deny.

One part of me, is the outer image that most project on me: following a persona which is molded based on opinions of others as well as my own perception of the social expectation. Or simply put, the “yes-man” in me - the one part of me in which I have expressed some dissatisfaction over in the past… and the key driver to my own thoughts.

One part of me, is the uncivilized self: which contains some of violent impulses which I have been suppressing in some way or the other… the strong urge of disgust, hatred, violence and sex. Which is also the part of myself which I am in fear to face… which is the key concern that I have been …

Is it because of my own thoughts about collective psychology that I’m no incapable to ask about things that are personal and intimate in nature?

- Fear of being alive -

Somehow I came to a point in which it felts as seems that my understanding have reached to a limit which all I can see is just a endless frame of walls.

Is this the end? Yet something tells me that there’s something beyond what can be understood.

At this point of a roadblock… what is to be done next….?

It’s either that it is impossible, or that I’m incapable to see and achieve things to its highest (possibly hidden) potential.

What does it mean by “I’ve changed”?

Somehow after being asked with this question, what seemed obvious isn’t so. I can’t say that my physical differences a change, I can’t say my experiences had made some sort of change in me, I can’t say that my mindset, thoughts or behaviour had changed…

As it seems, everything hasn’t change in that sense… it’s only more or less only improvement, decline, addition or removal, in essence everything’s still the same to the core.

Then… what is the “real change”? Probably that’s an answer deep rooted and related to the question of a “true identity”.