The thing that I’m aware of and constantly forget is that every interaction with any people around us, especially which are closest to us, reflects certain aspects of who we are.

Not to mention that it has been in my impromptu posts several times (I believe: at least once, I’m pretty sure of that)

又迷失了方向，心中又有些彷徨。

是渴望着一个可以容身的地方吗？

似乎现在追求这所谓的“归宿感”好像让自己疲惫不堪。

现在的我，似乎在依靠这那冰冷的城门，似乎还在希望着从你身上寻找一份温暖吧…

Losing my sense of direction again, my heart seemed to waver again.

Is that I dire for a place that I will be accepted?

It seems that “Sense of belonging” which I desired have made me feeling all exhausted instead.

The person who I am now, is as if as I’m leaning on that cold castle gates, as if as I’m still hoping to seek warmth from you…

Still at a demotivated stage at the moment, to anyone curious. Could use something uplifting at the moment.

Still learning how to handling these things in life.

GAH! I can’t believe that let my CD-ROM scratch yet ANOTHER of my favourite CDs X_X.

Anyway, I just bought MISIA’s Love & Ballads -The Best Ballade Collection- and Kitaro’s Kojiki: Two of them being in my most-wanted lists. I still remembered how much I was moved by Kojiki when I first heard it on cassette tape, and MISIA has always been in my list but just never really got the chance and money to really explore her music.

And the worst thing (again) is that the same thing that happened to my (miss)understood CD happens to my MISIA CD, again! It’s like, the CD just suddenly pops up from the drive, hedging on top of the tray and clacks it got stuck in between the roof and the tray …

Day 3 of constant reevaluation, no conclusion yet. But tons of ideas, Plan-A, B, Cs… Thinking of situations from different angles, pros and cons, gains and sacrifices…

It did made me think that I didn’t really know what I wanted in life… shrinks myself into a small shell 😞

But somehow I really felt the importance of working on something for myself, irregardless whether I go or stay at the same environment. I always sense that there’s something… something which is most important in my own life, yet I have no idea what that was… all I know is just to pursue, attempt to grasp it with my own hands. Yet time and time again, I found myself tumbling and rolling, stumbling over blocks… the feeling is almost the same as chasing one’s …

Just now I have been clearing up my stuff again, paper stuff always have the capability to scatter all around the place when I least notice it, mostly bills, fliers, randomly scribbled notes… well, mostly rubbish, if that’s a good way to put it ^-^||.

But somehow I just have that really uncomfortable feeling thinking whether my life have became just a mere bank balance while I’m sorting my papers. Thinking into extremes, if my life just constitute of working, spending money just to keep myself survive and entertained… ugh…

Really, if that’s the case, it’s not a life worth living. Just draining my life sources like that for another 50 years (give or take), that’s really a scary thought.

Come to think about it… people pretty much always like to …

It’s pretty hard to describe what I have been through since Friday… at the emotional level, that is.

Let’s see, I get to know my increment last Thursday, and I got very, very, very disheartened by the rate I have been getting. I don’t know why… is it because I am comparing myself with others?Or I have some sort of unrealistic expectation or a bloated ego… Whatever the reason, I just felt that… I really deserve more than what I have been given.

Heck I’m feeling all upset but I just can’t find an outlet to express that. That feeling like having a heart like an inflated balloon is very hard to bear.

I don’t know what to say, really. It’s pretty much act as a wake …

一番ほしいものがあるから、放棄しません。がんばっています。

Because there exists the most important thing that I wanted, (I’ll) never give up. I’ll work hard for it.

Been spending some time tweaking my computer settings again, glad to see more effects (now I had some transparency effects and cool drop shadows for the windows :D) and a faster computer :).

At least it’s now utilizing more of the graphic card’s power, hate to see a good card underutilized :p.

今天，有种“糟了！被发现了！”的感觉。虽然自己说没什么，但其实是非常紧张，原本静静注视者你的眼神真的是不知望那儿摆了。

是觉得很高兴，同时又觉得有点不安。非常喜欢你却害怕被排撤的心里障碍又作祟了…或许已经到了那种无法自拔却也不知怎办的地步了吧！^-^||所以一直到现在还是不敢把自己好多好多的话说出来。

但是…真的是很开心啦！:)

Today, I had that “Oh no! I’m caught!” feeling. Although I said “Nothing” at that time, but really I felt very nervous, and I really don’t know where should those eyes originally and silently placed on you go to.

Feeling excited, yet at the same time feeling a bit insecure. That internal barrier of loving you so much yet afraid of being rejected is causing some trouble again… Maybe it had reached to a point that I can’t help myself yet I don’t know what to do. ^-^|| Therefore until now I’m still unable to express a lot of words to you.

But… I really felt happy! 😊