It’s been a while I haven’t really rested, finding my sleep time requirement have increased over time. Having no energy to work for the past two weeks (plus?) is not something very optimistic, in a way.

Not sure whether is it by chance, by my current circumstances or that I’m just not following my living pattern these days, I found myself overslept (like… 9 o’clock in the morning @_@||). Still feeling a bit bad about it as if I’m committing job suicide X_X… anxious and nervous, even.

But just staying at home, doing nothing, reading books on my bed… it’s been a while I haven’t felt that refreshed before ever since I had that hectic schedule for the past two to three months. Just the peace, serenity and …

Phase 2 of this year’s makeover starts from today ;). This time round, it’ll focus more on the “inner” aspects instead of my own wardrobe :).

Just had a shopping spree at the pharmacy , getting extra supplements and stuff. And probably it would take a few months. Do need some time to explore around and envisioning a healthier self: both physically and emotionally :).

Will keep tabs on my own progress along the way, till then it’s definitely a continuous effort on my part. My wallet’s going to take some extra damage, so it seemed ^^||.

Just recently I was reminded of what one of my childhood friends told me during a casual game of Mahjong during Chinese New Year （at least a vague recollection of words)

“你不懂得怎样变通…有些时候，真的是不能坚持你自己所要的到底。看到牌局已经不大对劲的时候就应该懂得变通，究竟手上的牌还是充满许多的可能性。“

“You don’t know how to be flexible/adaptable… sometimes, you really can’t always insist of getting what you want until the end. When you see the game already show signs of change, that’s the time you really need to exercise some flexibility/adaptability. After all, there’s still a lot of different possibilities in your own hands.”

Thinking deeply about it… I’m able to sense its importance yet I’m still incapable to realize its true meaning…

… Sometimes, I really don’t know what it is to play this game of life…?

Sometimes it’s much easier to feel negative than to be positive, it’s much easier to feel sad instead of doing something about it, it’s much easier to give up all hopes than to continue to strive to achieve our own peak.

Probably that also means that it’s much easier to become an escapist than human…? It’s indeed a long journey ahead…

不知道为什么，感觉自己好像花一样，要枯萎了。花瓣开始凋零了。自己的世界，不知为何，只是看到一片荒芜。

是以前所看到的都是幻想吗？还是一向以来都不愿承认这个事实？

这种寂寞感伤真的是非常强烈…连自己也承受不了。

体贴与关心的人很多，他们也很好。但似乎真正了解，话入心坎肺腑的好像连一个也没有。知己难得吧…

其实自己也不知如何是好。其实真的是很难说出来，毕竟这是一个自己的“感觉”，一个不知为何而来的“感觉”。或许说出来都只是被当着是“多心”来看代…

真的是开始乱了…

I don’t know why, I felt I’m like a withering flower with petals starting to fall away. I don’t know why, my world seems to be like a desolate plain.

Is it that what I have seen in the past is just an illusion? Or is it that I don’t want to accept this reality?

This kind of depression and loneliness is very strong… even myself can’t bear it.

There’s a lot of kind and caring people around me, and they have been good. But it just seems that there’s no one who really understands and being able to say words can …

This is just the right climate to think and put things into perspective, considering that all my plans, expectations and thoughts are all messed up and mashed together in some sort of psychedelic reality.

So… the big question at the moment: What do I really want in life…?

Guess that was the focus of this chapter in my life.

开始学习爱的过程，开始看到自己的空虚，自己的贫乏。

原来就因如此，所以会向往和羡慕真正懂得爱的人。

During the process of learning what love really is, I start to see my own emptiness, my own poverty.

That I realised that because of that, I always look up to and admire those who really understood love.

或许是觉得自己不值得被爱，所以才会无形中为自己画个界线，等着喜欢的人会越界吧!

…这也反映着我也是不敢越界的人吧！

Maybe I felt that I’m not worthy to be love, therefore I have drawn a borderline around myself unconsciously, waiting for the one I liked to cross it!

… This also reflects the fact that I’m one of those person who didn’t dare to cross other people’s territory!

From time to time, or rather, half of my time, I felt pretty self-conscious. Feeling inadequate and/or deprived, to be more exact.

Most of the time, most of my jealousies, anguish and sadness stemmed from that feeling: The feeling of lacking.

Lacking imaginations to think of goal to push my limits.
Lacking of drive and passion to materialize the things I wanted to achieve.
Lacking love, attention and physical closeness to feel warmth.
Lacking knowledge to understand things that I really wanted to know.
Lacking in financial resources to fulfill my heart desires.
Lacking the energy and strength to pull myself through challenges and rough times.
Lacking courage to live whatever I preach and sometimes, against all odds…

Do I hate myself? …in a way, yes. Despite my own belief that I perceive that …

本当の愛は誰がわかりますか。そんな人が会いたいんですね。質問がたくさんありますから。

Who really knows true love? I really wished that I’m able to meet them, because I have a lot of questions.