真正属于自己的“财富”，到底是什么呢？

What is a “wealth” that is truly mine?

Holding tight, that’s pretty much what I have been doing at the moment. It means different things in different ways: Holding tight onto a pillow seeking (pseudo?) comfort, holding tight to my calm when facing challenges (currently being assigned to a job very close to the deadline, more like an sudden/emergency arrangement), holding tight to my own search of the ultimate self… a lot of things.

Sometimes really felt that dealing with myself is already tough enough, and trying to understand others at the same time does seems like stretching myself a little too thin ^^||… but that itself was a very important lesson unto itself, isn’t it :).

It does take a while, so it seems :).

It has been some time that I have been developing the idea of having some negative feelings and insecurities stems from certain missing components in life: something that we are know unconsciously but not being able to fully aware of what it exactly is. Think of it, it feels almost like trying to fitting in puzzle pieces… or to try every single key until all locks on the door is open. It is indeed a tiring process at times, but… life isn’t something we should give up on, isn’t it? 😊

Somehow thinking about it, during every chapter in my own LJ (i.e. my own views in life) I seemed to be able to find or understand something important that I first thought was complete, but it’s actually more like I’m …

I browsed through Hakusensha’s (白泉社) home page and read that Fruits Basket has come to an end. As much as Natsumi had hinted it in many subtle ways, the news was a little sad to me… you know, the same feeling when facing the end or a departure. Somehow these three years of reading the manga, I pretty much have identified myself a lot throughout the manga… as I can related to a lot of things and how each characters felt. The message of courage, initially from Touru and later from various characters, have pretty much resonated in me and has brought me a lot of courage to face the difficulties in life.

But… sooner or later, I will find my own resolve… 😊

In other news, I have been watch Ouran High School Host …

Been at home during the weekends, but all I have felt is nothing but restlessness. Or more precisely put is that it’s the “drifting thoughts weekend”… well, in a way.

At this time, it’s really hard for me to really scope in my thoughts… it’s really like… several issues were so interrelated with each other and yet so distinct. So much adrift that I felt completely lost… all alone blanketed by my own fears. As if I’m going further back in time… a sense of helplessness in such a big, unknown world… it’s like… becoming back into an child, needing the protection from the mother.

Is it that I was grown up too soon? Somehow it felt as if I can’t cope with everything in this world… unprepared, in …

How big my world is — that’s a question that have been in my mind but never answered. The world as we know it is infinite, reflecting back on myself, my own world is very small…

Sometimes it just felt that my own boundaries are as small as the amount of space on which I’m feet is touching the ground. Yet sometimes in times of bliss all boundaries dissolved and I was whole…

Probably my own perception of the world is just the connection between you and me? Or it’s just a fleeting interpretation based on my own emotions and awareness of my own surroundings…?

What is… the World?

Sometimes I still have grave apprehension over some problems that I had, sometimes I worry myself like I’m having the end of world of some sort.

Now I’m having some issues, more specifically on sales people: well, you know, telemarketers and sales people/agents. Somehow I always feel very, very apprehensive and threaten when I’m with these people. I don’t know, somehow they trying hard to sell somehow made me feel very uncomfortable and triggered a very defensive attitude towards them.

Today in particular I received a phone call from a telemarketer and it really scares me when he knew my name, phone number and my work and he claims that he got it from some sort of bank database. In the end I had the impression he said something like …

Saying “I’m fine…”, is it a phrase of encouragement oneself, or is it just a useless way of consolation?

Probably the thing is… I don’t really understood anything about “courage” and “persistence”. Therefore I’m where I am now.

At this moment of time… anything’s possible, that’s what I have constantly reminded myself. Hope and pain were intertwined in on entity: the thing that we call “the perception of time”. No matter how things may be, anything could happen at this point of time, nothing’s more certain than a harsh awakening.

Now I can only close my eyes… to wait… and hope…

May everyone had a good night.