Hmm… nothing much to say about today, really. But somehow just contemplating the same old stuff that I still can’t find the answers to, and that I do feel like… there’s a lot of things that I still have to learn: Work and life, to be more specific. And that I’m still trying to decode some hidden expressions and messages from the communication of the people close to me… somehow I just felt that there must be something valuable behind, no matter how trivial they may seem to be.

Somehow that does made me wonder whether thinking everything that happened and deep contemplation is a bit too much ^-^||. In some ways I really felt the urge to let things go and live life without restraint, I wonder what’s holding me back …

… Apparently when I really think that I do have the whole week off, it might not be the case.

Just a few days before I did mention that work may be creeping into my holidays (after receiving a few system support calls), just before Hari Raya/Eid’s eve that the system suffered enough problems that causes almost all the electronic gaming tables not being able to operate.

And to be honest I was in a panic drive myself ^^||… what make it worse is that I didn’t really understood the weight of the issue until my colleagues called me up. And as things turns out, I ended up not really being able to rest for the two days of Hari Raya as I find myself either being in the casino to do troubleshooting or …

我还在这里…因为我还有不要放弃的理由。

I’m still here… because I still have a reason not to give up.

I don’t know whether I should say it has been a slow day or not, but certainly it was a quiet one indeed. Been spending most of my time either in front of books or my own computer.

Somehow, spending most of my time alone did gave a lot of room for myself to observe my own emotions and feelings. But honestly speaking it wasn’t something new that I’m trying to figure it out, it’s still about loneliness and the need for physical closeness (yes, the issue on sex was included). It’s sorta funny that I can’t figure it out, considering how long I had been trying.

But somehow I think the sexuality issue has been resolved in one way or the other. As much as I’m still …

There are some things that only I can do, and there are some things that only others can help me fulfill.

Somehow… my life is transitioning into another phase… probably signalling a new chapter unfolding?

Last time was probably acceptance and fear. Now it’s more on obsession, longing, courage, lust and love.

Events and thoughts will be elaborated when the times comes. But as for now… well, it’s inevitable that I have to face these changes within.

がんばってください、ね？自分は。

Just watched Steamboy on Animax just now, the graphics were stunning, but the plot was complicated (more like confusing) that I think I’d probably need to watch it a few times in order to extract any real meaning from this. But… probably I won’t have the motivation to watch it again :p.

Been getting books on stock investing, well… at least that’s part of my plan to start to have some sort of a second income source. I’d say it’s almost completely greek to me, as I can’t seem to register those financial concepts in my head. And sometimes things like human psychology, politics and economics were giving me the dizziness (well… probably I WAS locked into my own little world after all… ^^||).

But anyway, the plan is that …

No matter how hard I wanted to hold onto something, sooner or later I’ll still have to let go: A departure to reach a place where nobody can go on my behalf.

Desires and memories from the distant past which has yet to be fulfilled completely… feelings of the nearest past (present?) which has yet to be answered… blended together into a complexity of emotions….

What is it that I’m feeling now?

Let’s see… Deepavali/Diwali’s tomorrow, Hari Raya/Eid ul-Fitr is on next Tuesday and Wednesday, and seeing that all these days were a national holiday, the company declared Monday as a compulsory leave… Top that up with two more annual leaves of mine on Thursday and Friday, and what I have now is nine days of total relaxation! (Sort of :p)

To be honest, I didn’t have plans to take a vacation somewhere or going back to my hometown. Well, it’s not that I have any reason not to do those, but I just don’t really feel like going anywhere. (as much as I would like a vacation somewhere, but going alone is not what I had in mind at the moment) Probably I would be facing questions on why …