Feeling better now, been having a minor headache until now though -_-… I wonder whether is it because I face the radiation source way too long.

Anyway, it is reflecting time again. Rewinding back to my slump period, I’m still looking into triggers of different emotions. Somehow it’s pretty interesting to how certain words were capable to trigger some strong reaction within myself (may or may not be shown, but the impact was there which does cause a behavioural change or some sort). Guess I’m not one of those people who can really swallow down negativity and strong emotions ^-^||.

Speaking of which, the year end review is coming up. Guess it’s almost the time for me to prepare some long posts and hours of reading my own writings for this year …

在这世界里，自己在追寻些什么呢？在这七彩目眩的跑马灯¹，难道一切都是那么扑朔迷离吗？ In this world, what am I pursuing? In this colourful yet bedazzling running lights, is everything that confusing?

I just caught a cold X_X, and the more annoying part is that I had always felt that I’m starting to fall sick just a few days ago. So it’s like… slowly crept up to me as my health goes down the slopes (with me getting more lethargic more easily) and now I ended up sick X_X.

Not sure whether is it the recent stress attack or that my immune systems are building up at a very slow pace after my food poisoning a week or two before. Either way, it’s a red light to me to take care of myself.

Other than that… well, somehow with my mood slump this week, I just felt a bit… well, defeated inside. I do have the feeling like… giving up with whatever I’m …

One thing that I’m pretty much aware of myself for quite some time: I tend to sulk away from the world (at least internally) when I was in a slump, and it’s something that lasts for some time, depending on how despair I was.

So it’s like… feeling all unmotivated at work today, maybe I should have taken leave for today :(. Dealing with my disappointment with my current situation, myself and inability to fulfill some of the things I wanted, well… it’s something bearable, but still it’s not really something pleasant. Well, in my opinion, anyway ^^||.

Is that I have invested too much in my own imaginations and dreams that I didn’t put effort to manifest it? Well, probably. Seems likely that’s one of the main factor of …

At times of despair, I find myself shut into my own little world again.

In a world often being perceived as black and white, probably my “gray area” approach and views in life was both a blessing and a curse? As much as I knew the joys of openness, the troubles is to be understood as well.

Or probably it wasn’t a problem but that I was less firm and confident when it comes to assert what I want from others and drawing the solid line? Probably I wouldn’t that much job related stress now if I were to be discuss my role and responsibility and iron out the details when I was first offered something new to work on. Now I find myself stumped and confused when it comes to what am I supposed to do about handling the new system.

Sometimes I just felt that …

Been catching up with Jigoku Shoujo lately, and it has been very thought provoking in many ways. Somehow it does made me wonder whether is it that I really like these kind of things that contains moral ambiguity ^^|||. Probably it reflect that aspect of myself… being more open… well, in a way, anyway.

But somehow it also proves to be my worst shortcoming, so it seems. A lot of times I withheld and suppress a lot of things in the name of respecting others, as in making sure whether others allows me to do so, or that they were open to what I’m going to do. Probably a constant theme throughout my whole LJ (life?), I think. Sometimes things just slipped by in the end.

I do have to admit that part of it …

Been watching Jigoku Shoujo/Girl from Hell (地獄少女) anime these few days, as much as I have only watch 6 episodes of it, I can’t help not to really ponder about it. Seeing the suffering of people in a fantasy setting which reflects part of real life… the hurts and pains that one inflicted due to another’s views on life.

As much seeing from the surface who’s good and who’s evil is easily separable… but looking more deeper into it, is that really the case…? What is to be defined as “good” and what is to be defined as “evil”? Even seeing the interactions of different fictional characters in each episode with different scenarios, the further I look into it, the harder it is for me to tell. Is the antagonist …

Not sure whether is it the lack of happenings or that my thoughts are much harder to describe in words, it has been pretty silent when it comes to writing. Is it that I didn’t like to repeat myself about my own routine life? Or is it one of those days that I can’t get inspire with something? Or that it’s just the result of myself mincing my own words when it comes to writing about my life and surroundings?

Or probably with everything going on at work, it just hard not to focus on figuring out how to solve the problems that arise? Hmm…

But to be honest, there’s just some thing that I have problems in comprehending… about how I’m feeling about various things. I’m not even …

Somehow I’m sorta thinking about the saying “what doesn’t kill you will nurture you”… or something of that kind. With all the sudden pounding and thundering of problems for the past few weeks… or probably months, I’m still wondering how did I managed to survive all these stress and anxieties ^^|||.

I’m not really sure whether I enjoyed the ride though, I do have my fit of rages (luckily curse words were banned from my vocal vocabulary)… well, when I was at the highest point of frustration, that is (translation: when the problems starts to overwhelm me). But at least everything is plodding through, as much it still wasn’t as optimistic as I would like it to be ^^|||.

Guess I still have to keep this combative mood at work for quite …