什么才是真正的“归宿感”？

What can be really called “feeling at home”?

Probably that’s what I’m feeling at the moment… or even something that has been my truest feeling since that day. Sometimes it just seems that no matter how I tried, I just can’t get that particular “Aha!” moment that just makes everything click.

Sometimes I just wondered, is it really that hard to like/love someone? It just seems easier to feel liked by somebody, but when it comes to have someone to like myself, it’s just plain hard. Probably because it’s something that can be force… well, that’s what I think at the moment.

Been through a total breakdown yesterday (see previous impromptu post) and it lasted until this morning: I just felt like a very upset kid unable to get what he wanted. Mostly its just my pent up dissatisfaction in life broken loose… on work (stress levels picking up at a level that I cannot cope), life (the emptiness issue), myself (disappointed by the fact that I’m not progressing at all) and love matters (just it appears… or perhaps may be the fact that chances of me getting together with the one I really liked at the moment is slim. Or probably I just desperately wished that he wasn’t all that stoic).

Somehow I only managed to cheer up thanks to Yuan Hui (my colleague). Thinking about it, I was pretty much being coaxed like …

放手的那一瞬间，一切完全崩溃－－剩下的，就是那不停涌出来的泪水。

The moment I have let go, everything shattered — all left, is that continuously flowing tears.

- Real me -

What is persistence? What is letting go?
What is stubbornness? What is giving up?

Beyond the contradiction, is the outcome really determines the worth of our own actions?
Stretched between the two extremes, what decides the true decision?

Is there really an ideal? Or it’s more of an imaginary utopia? If so, to what extent one’s paradise may become to be?
In such a vast world, probably I’m just trapped in a small cage of my own doing…

Current mood weather: Clear skies with small clouds Forecast mood weather tomorrow: Ditto?

Feeling better today after voicing out my own worries in LJ yesterday. Thinking about it, I was surprisingly negative… well, probably because I always adopted the “figure out the worst scenario and prepare for it beforehand” mindset. May seem like a bad thing, but at least I managed to survive several times because of it (emm… is it? More like I’m capable to “survive” in the simulation that goes in my head ^-^||).

But even so, more or less I do have my own self doubts that I’m currently dealing with. Well… if it’s something that only involves myself, probably I’m capable to deal with it with effort. But if it’s something that was related to others and …

[Chapter: DOWN]

… And so the days continues which I still feel like shit (literally), slump’s not over, so it seemed. Feeling of emptiness, heartbreaks and losing confidence still looms my inner sky that it was suffocating.

Feeling like crying several times yet I still can’t really pour them out. Everything seems like a breakdown at the moment… which all hopes, dreams and fantasies in my head seems to become so impossible that only despair was to be natural to me.

“Is it worth to continue living on… such a life of emptiness?”

Somehow I felt myself completely split (schizo?)… yet the discontentment of not finding the answer and my own present outcome was so in my mind that I was completely confused.

… And it has been a while I having dreams at night …

或许就是因为存在着一个人本身做不到的东西，所以才会有所渴望吧。

Maybe it’s because there exist some things that cannot be don’t by one alone, that’s why there’s things that we’d hope for.

最近不知道为什么，特别喜欢说“笨蛋”。（至少在心里面）

是因为想骂你那似乎迟钝又没什么关心体贴吗？还是骂自己那不敢积极争取又充满单方面的爱情幻想？

现在所看到的，是一向来的事实吗？还是这场延长战的连锁效应？似乎自己真的是一切都看得不太清楚。

或许自己在妒忌吧…总是觉得别人能够轻而易举得到你的笑容与接触，自己似乎得来有点费力。是自己多心吗？还是只是自己十分贪心？还是自己那要求，都只是自己想要的虚空幻想？

其实自己真正想要的，是你的“立场”吗？还是是你的“肯定／否定”？或许这个举棋不定的家伙，最需要的是轻轻地被拉一拉还是推一推的（现实是不太可能那么温柔吧？）。

…或许是想要，那小小的“温柔”吧…

I don’t know why recently I liked to call people “idiot”. (At least in my heart)

Is it because I wanted to scold you for that seemingly insensitivity as well as the lack of care? Or that I’m scolding myself for that timidness, fear to single-mindedly pursue my dreams as well as my own one-directional love fantasies?

Is that whatever I’m seeing now, has all the while been the truth? Or that a chain reaction of such a long extended battle? Seems that even I myself wasn’t even able to see anything clearly.

Maybe I’m just feeling jealous… Always …

Ugh… it was a pretty bad week, it’s like feeling sick for quite some time. With all the fever, throat infection, coughing, sneezing and headaches… probably that qualifies for “suffering”? Somehow it seemed that my immune system have broke down for some reasons. T-T

It became worse yesterday that I just have to take leave today just to rest and sleep. At least the good news is that I’m recovering fast…

Hopefully it gets better soon.