Somehow these days I have been thinking about the concept of escapism… and probably with my current emotional stability, it’s probably not a good time to ponder about it. It’s not really thinking about escapism per se, but more like figuring out “reaching and being at the ultimate point of no return” (which is part of the transition poem, if somebody did notice). OK, probably “ultimate” is an exaggeration on my part, as I’m not even sure whether the concept of “ultimate” does really exist.

Come to think about it… I personally think, at least by my past action analysis, that I do have some form escapism tendencies. And it might have been right when Uncle Steven (a Chinese fortune telling practitioner that my mom knew) advised strongly against me exposing myself …

What does it means “to be who you are”?

当自己认为自己没什么大问题当时，实际上是如此吗？ 虽然自己对人说“没问题”的那时，心中还是感到彷徨：仍然怀疑着自己以后是否还能支撑下去。

是担心未来的未知数吗？还是不能表露脆弱显得比较痛苦？ 似乎自己坚强的背后，仍然还是希望得到一些关怀安慰；每一句话的背后，隐隐还是透漏些小小的期望。

The time when I think that I’m OK, is it really the case? Although when I say “no problem”, deep down I’m still feeling anxious: still suspicious whether I can still hold on like this in the future.

Is it that I’m worrying about the uncertainties of the future? Or is it that it’s more painful when I can’t show my fragility? Seems that behind my strong exterior, I’m still wishing to be cared and consoled; behind every sentence, there’s still some small hopes hidden behind them.

Yes! Finally! I got my CD collection all converted to MP3, which the whole conversion thingy took me like months to complete o.

Hope I’m not going to do the whole conversion again… as much I’d prefer other more file saving formats than MP3s, it’s still the universally accepted format for most portable players. So there, hope it’ll still remain it’s status as the de facto standard.

And after all the conversion, it comes out to be 18G O_O||, that pretty much means that it would be wise for me to aim for the 60/80G models in the markets. But probably something that I would only buy soonest by next year.

Hope that my 15G iPod will last for a long time, I don’t mind swapping and rotating …

Just came back from Uncle Francis’ place just now, thanks to a very, very last minute invitation from Aunt Hong (both relatives from my mother’s side). Pretty much the main reason is my cousin, Jason, came back from Australia and, to be extremely honest, when Aunt Hong called me and told me about it, I can’t seem to recall who’s Jason. Probably due to the fact that he had been in Australia for the past four years and even when he’s back in Malaysia during Chinese New Year, his appearance is so brief that I never really get to know him well.

And it’s like… UNTIL I reached the place, see him in person that I recall that cute boy as I remembered when I was pretty much a kid …

Been pondering for a bit, somehow Ron Kaufman‘s analogy on personal responsibility just came back to me suddenly (which gave me a great impact when I first heard it from his seminar tapes shown in the bookstore). Somehow eventually in due to course of time, I have forgotten it, so I think it’s a good idea to put it up here.

I still remembered¹ that he talks about the fact that when in comes to constantly improve oneself in order to provide good service to others, taking personal responsibility to change and going the extra mile is extremely important. However, some would tend to avoid that kind of responsibility when something is wrong, and hence fall through three stages of denial.

The first is “Shame”, which we feel shameful that we had …

Remember… don’t get used to your pains: Welcome them! Feel them! Experience them! And by whatever means possible: Remember them!

- The first steps -

Day two, and I don’t feel like counting it up anymore. -_-||

Everything is pretty much normal as usual, except for some minor details that one may or may not be able to notice… subtle changes. Somehow it just felt as the people around me had knew in one way or the other.

Ripples of emotions can still be felt, to be honest… is it bearable compared to the past? I’m not too sure about in terms of comparison of degrees, but it seemed that I still manage it now. Although there’s that small disappointment that yearns for physical and emotional warmth and closeness from time to time… it can’t be helped at the moment as it’s something unfulfilled up until now.

“… What can I give you, even when you are far away from me…?”

虽然心中仍然是那样，隐隐作痛，但现在所看得到的我脸上的笑容，确实也不是虚伪的。并不是要隐瞒其他人，若别人要是不小心，其实还是会为那为复合的伤口而流泪。只是很努力的学习，不让脸庞上的泪迹感到失望。

就这样继续加油吧！

Although my heart still remained the same, still feeling the pain, but the smile that you saw on my face, is indeed not faked. Not that I want to hide it from anybody, even if someone were to be not careful, I still will cry at the pain of that healing wound. Is just that I’m still working hard to continue to learn, not letting the trails of tears on my cheeks down.

So… let’s continue to work hard and be strong!

“…As times passes by, everything will start to set in… and will eventually fade away into the open skies…”

As everything starts to unfold, it seems that it is inevitable… or probably the best thing for both of us, is to keep a distance between us, more of an emotional distance than a physical one, in a way. But at the same time… a void has been created within me as my daily routine was now changed. The opportunity for me to have him close to me for a full 30 minutes most of the time have pretty much been diminished… which is a big void which I don’t think I’ll be able to replace for a long time. Unless if there’s some sort of special development of events, of course, but …