Sometimes I got so fed up and tired that I wished that I won’t get easily attracted to guys who are either “taken” or homophobic (even the degree of openness that “open and accepts to homosexuality of others but being completely defensive when homosexuals shows affection towards them” were in this category, if I were to really distinguish them). Probably I could have hurt deeper if I were not to cross “taken” guys from my list ever since Choon Hui’s incident.

Although to be honest my approach to decline someone’s feelings is not really all that considerate and nice -_-||.

sigh I wonder what’s missing from my approach? Maybe it’s something that needs me to bump into more brick walls to gain experience?

These days I can’t really write anything at the moment, it’s like… when I just had the idea for an impromptu post, a contradicting viewpoint just popped into my head which pretty invalidate myself in a way. Which made me think whether if they are really contradictory, why I’m able to have, and possibly exercise two different viewpoints. Is it depends on the situations that I’m in and different experiences that I had? Or probably I perceive things differently in different moods? (Does that make me fickle, in a sense?)

Somehow it seems that I portray myself differently with different people, somehow I’m wondering was it really me? Somehow I don’t feel like fake myself in anyway, at most I just keep some of my emotions and thoughts to …

其实什么才真正算是“需要”？是“生存必需品”的最低限度吗？若是如此，“最低限度”的定义到底是什么？“生存”的真正意义是什么？“生命”到底是什么？

若生理，心理和精神上的满足并不是一切的话，那么人真正需要的是什么…？

-当一切又是一切，又同时并不是一切的时候-

What can really be counted as a “need”? Is it the lowest limit of “requirements needed for survival”? If that’s the case, what’s the definition of “the lowest limit”? What’s the real meaning of “survival”? What is “life”?

If physical, emotional and spiritual fulfillment were not everything, then what does man really needs…?

- When everything is everything, and yet at the same time it isn’t -

Somehow I notice that my office phone extension number spells “O RLY”, I’m just slightly amused, I would say.

Currently feeling all malnourished, the heart, body and soul: as if I’m drifting afloat somewhere in nowhere. Somehow everything I perceived was like clouds and bubbles in front of me, sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn’t. Just felt like completely disconnected from life and there’s nothing that I can really hold on to.

… Think I’m starting to have a breakdown… what outcome does it lead to… I’m not even sure myself. Just hope that my mind can still hold on in its autopilot mode until I found the answer within myself.

Starting to get some really big ticket purchases, and to be honest it’s more of a whim of mine than anything. As seems as if I wanted to put some extra challenges in planning my budget? Or probably I feel like enjoying a little more, with a little bit of risk in my own life? Starting from now, my account books are going to be a bit rocky and balancing them out would be more challenging that last year :).

Think it’d just about time for me to get a bit more creative in this aspect.

Anyway, my current and future list (planned) which I had in mind at the moment:

Now - California Fitness Infinity membership (i.e. lifetime, yearly prepaid membership): installments starts from next month for two years

May - Cambodia trip, estimated …

Finally, I get to meet Allen in person! 😄 All these while we have been good friends chatting on MSN most of the time for years and it’s pretty exciting to me :).

When I first met him he sort of reminds me of Tommy (aka MYPPF current team leader, which is the group that I was once in). And probably sharing certain traits with some other MYPPF members as well. Probably because of his facial features, hairstyle and certain speech patterns. Not sure whether is it my own tendency to relate people with someone I knew in the past, or that it is indeed fact, though. Only difference is probably his personality, probably Tommy’s opposite? I’m not that sure myself, though, at the moment I can’t only base him from what I …

Been uber pessimistic today, still feeling as if a part of me had been missing… feeling lonely, perhaps? By all means, I still know that he meant a lot to me and having that distance between me and him still gave me the heartaches.

I know it sounded silly thinking that I’m still brooding over him whom had made it clear that he’s not that “type” of person. This happening thrice made me feel even the more miserable. It’s like… I wanted him badly yet I can’t do anything as I don’t want to manipulate the very person I like the most. It’s just… that hard for me; and that I was hurting myself in order to protect his “choice”.

“… Knowing that I had far more wishes that I …

“… Seemingly as if there’s no reason for me to stay, and yet at the same time there’s no reason for me to leave…”

Sounds like I’m stuck between a rock and hard place, isn’t it? Currently I’m just feeling a loss myself, searching for a resolve and yet not wanting to fill the empty void for the sake of filling it. Yes, to be honest I’m not used to having this kind of void within me, I can still feel the anguish and pain. But yet it’s not really something that you can label with absolute terms: judging whether it’s actually good or bad.

Somehow I notice that I’m hankering to find some sort of replacement to close up the void… Thinking about it now, it …

So it seems that the year started of with several failures, currently with one system which I’m taking care of being phased out… I’m sort of feeling numb of all this. As if I’m already waiting for all the rubble to crumble down into a complete desert plane.

“… How do you feel when you start to lose what you thought you can hold on…?”

With this numbness, with my emotions being watered down to silence… the only thought in my head now is to wait until the dust settles down.

“… What is it that I’m actually missing in life…?”

Currently the questions that I have to ask myself, what lessons that I’m able to learn from this experience? What should I be doing now to change the situation that I …

Optimistic and pessimistic, masculine and effeminate, active and passive… like the sun and the moon, I’m experience the cycle in which opposite traits appears at different times. Probably as an result, my mood swings from side to side, alternating between being in control and completely helpless.

At the same time… I’m starting to able to understand and experience the feelings and expressions of being heartbroken: feeling as if all hopes shattered, everything starts to lose it colours and fades away, no sensual pleasures can seem to stimulate me…

“… A void surrounds me… do I like it? Or do I hate it? Somehow at this time preference and judgement doesn’t seemed to matter any more…”

Somehow… I’m pretty much unsure what to really think about it, the two sides of mine. Yes …