As much life’s pretty much the same (Duh! How many times do I have to repeat this, let alone using it as an opening repeatedly ^^||), things were a little different from within. Just didn’t feel all like my usual self, so to speak… yet it’s not something that can be labelled as good or bad. Just… moving forward, I guess… if that’s a good way of explaining it.

Somehow have been thinking… what is it like to be “awake”, what is it like to be “asleep”? Being “asleep” is more easily defined in the sense that it’s not hard to observe times when we are completely unconscious, but how far the scope of “asleep” can be? By what you’d define as “unconscious”? If whatever we do, probably out of …

Just after I posted my previous entry and sort of contemplate it when I was doing my daily chores, I was wondering whether I’m actually contradicting myself a bit ^^||: on the attraction part, that is. (Paragraph 4 and 6, namely) As much as I could have rationalise it off with “having a preference doesn’t mean that I have to be attracted to them all the time”, but I’m not sure whether I really meant something else: a few examples that “it takes more than just looks and the body for me to relate to somebody”, “looking back at the past few crushes that I had, this is the pattern”, “when I loved someone, I would like to explore all dimensions of that person: physically, emotionally and spiritually”… something among those, I guess …

Sit down, relax, meditate… umm, probably not ^^||. But it’s true that I’m starting to wander deep, notice the subtle changes within myself a bit more. Although it’s more general in saying that in noticing the changes of my emotions and feelings with all the things surrounds and/or happening to me, more directly speaking that most of my attention goes to the physical/sexual dimension of things.

(What a good way to rationalise myself about me starting to noticing more male bodies around me? XD)

OK, seriously. Somehow my views pretty much… fluctuate over time, if that’s a good word to use. By fluctuate I didn’t mean having myself being turned on and off all the time (sexually, as in). It’s more like… my views on sexual attraction and …

Currently the thing that I probably can’t find that resolve alone is the “physical closeness” (or “physical contact”): part of the desire that has been repressed for a long time. Apparently this does not exclude sex.

Thinking about it, it doesn’t have to be all that serious to achieve, really: physical contact as a friendly gesture doesn’t really require a lot of planning and thought, it’s more of a spontaneous act than anything. Probably that all I really need, to be honest.

The desire for sex is probably rooted more deeper… but it may as well be a by-product of something else. Probably because the easiest way to get the most physical contact is through this channel, as well as complete exploration and penetration of all dimensions of the body? It …

Things are calm now, just thinking how much did I “understand” on a lot of stuff. Not sure whether I really understood “love” in its essence, especially.

But I do understand that I’m facing difficulty at work and my own future plans. Still having some clashing values and the environment seemed to be a bit pessimistic at the moment. If handled badly, that would spell stress to myself and others. Somehow I’m still wondering what really means by “working happily”… is it something that was mostly provided externally or something that comes from within? It seems to me that any happiness that was provided by external factor will not last, but that’s my hypothesis at the moment.

Anyway, does seemed that I find myself watching more shoujo love comedy, anime, that is …

Been living as if I’m drifting afloat, trying to collect fragments along the way. Although from the outset it seems that nothing that happened, let alone a few slips of emotions… deep down I know there’s that inexpressible feelings… nor would it bring much help if I expressed it anyway. Besides… how “emptiness” can be expressed?

What about those heart pricks? Not something anybody could help, I think… at most they can do is just to ease the pain a little. At most people is capable to “understand” how you feel, but not being able to “share” the pain… as “pain” is something individual and cannot be shared.

Somehow I’m thinking whether my concept of “dying” means “not turning back”… if that’s the case, what’s the thing that was to …

Seems that the search is going to be intense… to search the unique “meaning” to life. Seeking to understand my own “semantics” and “views/perception”, challenging every single “belief” that I had in the quest to search the “truth”. An arduous journey.

Currently feeling “tired” to move on, “unmotivated” to do anything more. But do I understand the reason behind these “feelings” and “emotions”, as finding myself taking long “breaks” and “rest” doesn’t seem to help at all?

At this point… there’s no way for me to know what my “future” will be…

- the search -

… and I’m still on the roller coaster ride ;___;.

There’s times that I feel myself that I’d rather be “dead”, but by “dead”… what does it really means? Knowing that being “dead” in the normal sense (physically or emotionally [as in soulless]) isn’t going to help, the true meaning of the word is pretty much unknown.

There’s times that I feel that it’s not “fair” to me… but what does it really mean by being “fair”? Is it because I felt that the amount of pain and agony was too much to me? If it’s a result of comparison, I would not be fair either as there’s no way for me to really know how much pain that others have to go through, let alone judging it …

… that has been one of my frequent comments when people asked how I was recently, which is indeed pretty much true in the sense that I don’t really have a social life anymore. Most of my time was spent with my colleagues and my aunt and there aren’t any life beyond that small circle of people. But even so, I was pretty much alone most of the time, not sure whether is it a reflection of who I am, or that I didn’t know that I’m actually being left out for some reason, or some other reasons.

… Not that I’m really concerned, but I can’t really ignore it either.

Anyway, that aside, yesterday was the presentation night (i.e. prize giving ceremony) for our programming competition, but nothing exciting …

A few days ago I was chatting with Allen and we sort of come round about the discussion on the concept of love and self love. Although this is only part of the chat that we had, I think this portion has my arguments well formed enough to warrant a LJ post for my own reference. The user names are pretty self evident that no need for me to explain.

[Update @ 1:18am: This is the actual final version, been editing this error-prone log several times just now ^^||]

[Beginning of chat] (10:53:47) ♪.59: Maiden of Tears: Gabriella: felix
(10:54:13) Felix Leong: hmm?
(10:54:45) ♪.59: Maiden of Tears: Gabriella: umm just a thought, did u ever give u enough self love?
[Snipped to keep it short, but basically we noticed …