Sort of thinking about the term “thinking too much”, the most common advice/reason (excuse?) that I have heard so far. It’s like “stop thinking too much”, the meaning seemed to be extremely vague… not to mention that the definition and scope of “thoughts” (as in “thinking”) is not entirely “thoughts” as what I knew it.

At least it would be more accurate that to say that “stop worrying so much” (I mean, I do admit that I tend to draw a lot of worse case scenarios before committing to anything… which may indeed qualify for me worrying to a degree of mild paranoia), but not “thinking too much”? I don’t know, it just didn’t make any sense to me. I mean, I do understand the great qualities of calmness and peace …

Thinking about it, sometimes it’s much easier to perform my best when I’m not all that concerned with the outcome and in a relaxed state. At times of panic and disaster, whatever “best scenarios” that was in my head just doesn’t seem to work out and having a better chance of screwing up.

Hmm… meaning that I must open myself up to practice and learn as much as I could from ordinary situations? Or something like that, I think.

Just feeling a bit pessimistic today over the possibility that the users are giving another chance at the system that used to be under my care last year. Not exactly sure why… is it because I don’t have confidence in the system, or that I don’t have confidence within myself. It seemed more so like the latter than the former, and probably I’m a bit anxious as well… probably fear would be a better word.

Well… that’s something that I have to overcome. I really wondered whether I really learnt my lessons for the past few years, it just feels as if not only I’m not progressing, I’m deteriorating in many ways.

Thinking about it, actually there’s a few issues that I start to notice that I’m …

Probably I was the one who chose the path to be alone most of the time, either I’m aware of the fact or not. However, being human, I also desired for support and care from others. Maybe I’m not that well in expressing myself? (Hmm… not sure what is cause and what is effect, seems that both are chained together in some way or the other)

I do wonder, whether is it possible to find a certain person: a great resonance, a great harmony between two? Someone that I’m able to grow together with in an internal sense? Just felt that there’s no way to reach a conclusion other than a continuous searching which might prove to be fruitless.

Other than that, it just remains a possibility. Nothing else than that.

Just sort of came to me… the question on how we form a certain “model” of the world: our so-called “world view”. With the monstrous amount of information being fed to us (not to mention their own validity and correctness was not put into consideration) and the intensity of influences that not only mould our experiences but also forms the basis of our current thoughts and actions, the “influential” factors that forms our perceptions seemed to be infinite.

Tackling these issues from both intellectual and experiential “processing”, I’m starting to wonder how much “reliability” that our “interpretations” actually have? After all, there’s only that much past data can be relied on as the situations changes over time, not to mention all the noise and ambiguity is more likely to corrupt “reality” as soon …

There’s a lot of times that I ponder “… What if I’m not able to attain/obtain (something)…?” It sort of funny as most of the time, I didn’t need that particular “something” if only survival is concerned; in a way most of the times that particular “something” was actually a luxury (in any form, physical, emotional or even spiritual). But… I don’t know, I think I had said this before, if all it is to it to living is just merely “survival”, probably there’s aren’t really any “meaning” to live. Yet what does “meaning” really “means”? How much “weight” does it hold? How “valuable” will it be? Probably the answer will be different for everybody, but I had the impression that it only had “value” in the moments of …

“… I’m feeling… empty…”

Somehow all this while the feeling of “emptiness” was a topic that I brought out often, in a way I was questioning about the meaning of “existence”. It’s like… one of those questions that the answer is known but yet can’t be explain in some concrete way. And any sort of enquiry just seemed to put myself in some logic trap that goes no where.

Somehow I can’t seem to find a valid reference point in structuring my current thoughts… I’m not really sure whether is it because of my over-zealousness in trying to obtain the “absolute truth of existence”. But yet the very questioning and doubt of the reliability my own experiences and perception was, by itself, the very form that clouds that “absolute truth of …

There’s no simple way, that a hankering can go away.

- Endless (?) Search for a Fulfillment -

Nothing much happening these days, really. Mostly just keeping tabs with my own life as I was in a much stable emotional state (well… not to say that it doesn’t have its ripples) and there aren’t anything to do at work at the time.

I personally revise my financial situation and I think I finally able to accumulate my emergency cushion this month :). (at the moment my definition of it being 3 months take home pay and/or 6 months monthly expenses) It’s pretty much a great achievement on my part. At the moment I’m planning to stick to my current financial plan and expenses sheet for as long as I could and keeping any major purchases till next year. If everything goes according to plan, I think I’m able …

才发现，原来一早就已经失去了一切。 I only noticed, that I had already lost everything long time ago.