Just filling in some blanks: I was attending a very boring dinner for MMU’s 10th anniversary on Saturday and attended Seng Yaw’s (my colleague’s) wedding on Sunday and Monday. I stayed over at Eng Lee’s place together with Jenn Yeh and Seck Min so that pretty much explains why I wasn’t updating (or more like the reason for me not going on the Internet is because we spent time playing DotA instead :p). Pretty much I was in a photographing spree during the whole procession but it just seemed to me that wedding ceremonies (and add to the injury, Chinese traditional type) are just plain tiring X_X. With all the hustle and bustle around, probably those who felt happy were the only ones who would enjoy it… at least that …

其实自己真的是一个很讨厌又很怕麻烦的人。所以好多时候，好多东西也不敢去接近，不敢去尝试。结果自己会觉得有点一事无成，没什么特别的进步与成就，活着一个胆小鬼的生活。

同一个时间自己也是很怕别人麻烦的人。所以好多时候，才会回想以前自己无心又无自觉意识地去多管别人的小事的时候。

结果？反而带给自己不少麻烦与不便，还处处碰钉子。（或许吧…^^||，至少现在是酱子觉得）

啊…其实是很厌倦这种停留在原点的日子吧！是心理作用吗？连自己也不怎么晓得…但或许麻烦是不能避免的吧！自己能够学习去欣然接受它吗？真的是时候反省反省下。

Actually I’m really someone who despises and afraid of getting into troubles. Therefore a lot of times, there’s a lot of things that I dare not approach and try/experiment. In the end I felt a bit like being unaccomplished, without any special improvements and accomplishments, living a life of timidness.

At the same time I’m also somehow who’s afraid of others being into problems. Therefore a lot of times, I recalled back the times when I was, without any ill intentions or self-awareness, being a busybody to others.

In the end? I ended up bringing myself enough troubles and inconvenience, not to mention that I felt obstructed along …

Until now, I always say to myself and mentioning to others (when asked) that all my present thoughts and philosophies are mostly just my own Utopian hypothesis rather than experience, and hence don’t really vouch/rely on them. Somehow I sensed and aware of the potential yet reaching them is another matter, and through lots of failures in life there’s quite a lot of time when I doubt myself: wanting to give up halfway. But what “halfway” really means? For one thing there’s no way of being certain of where the end is unless: 1. it’s a line which we have drawn upon in our own perception, which may or may not be the truth, 2. it’s a dead end.

Did wonder whether I’m getting a bit overzealous with …

“… Is it that… what I wished for… is humanly impossible…?”

Sensing the potentiality, but yet no guides on how to reach there…
Will you want to explore? Will you take that adventure?
At times it’s only certain that I’ll be lost in such a distant place
In the midst of nowhere
Rushing restlessly… directionless…
Lingering on things that seemingly able cling on to
Only to realize the millions of illusions around me

“… What does it really mean… by penetrating deeply…?”

Time and time again, finding myself forming ideas
Likes clouds on the sky, gathering at one time… dispersing in another
Finding myself mistaken things every once in a while
Times that I thought I knew,
then came times when invalidation tears everything apart
In the end, what do I really have?
Only the …

Blah… not really in a good condition today. For some unknown reasons I felt my hamstring muscle being sore and tight since yesterday. No pain were felt when I was inactive but as soon as I walked around or something, it’s just very uncomfortable (slight pain, but not really all that serious). Not to mention that I had some trouble peeing as I felt the muscles around my butt and hamstrings were being strained.

It’s felt much better today, not sure whether is it because of myself exercising or not. 😒 Think have to be more observant and careful this time round, and probably I think I’d be better to see the doctor if the problem persists or gets worse.

But anyway, today I just went up for a meeting at Genting Highlands …

Just got A BEST 2… both of them… the CD+DVD+DVD edition… at the expense of next month’s pay (credit cards can be both a blessing and a curse).

At least I got a discount and two posters for getting both of them :). And… It’s my first Countdown Live DVD :D!

Speaking of which, my colleague commented that “I don’t understand why people support their idol with such enthusiasm” (…or something like that, I can’t remember the words at all): It’s funny as it’s exactly what I thought about a few years back when I was in high school ^^||. And apparently now it was happening to me as I support Ayu a lot (although not to a point of fandom… but I do collect all her major albums …

昨天，一整天在颓废状态中。只是面对电脑屏幕，完全让自己投入于虚拟世界。总是觉得这样的生活，似乎没什么生气，死沉沉似的。那感觉到现在都依然如此，想着“这样的生存方式，真的要继续下去吗？”…就这么样的想法。

- 同一个空间的生/死边缘 -

Yesterday, I was dispirited for the whole day. Only facing the monitor, letting myself immerse in the virtual world. I was always thinking this kind of life, seemingly without any much signs of liveliness. That feeling still persists until now, thinking “This kind of life, am I really wanting to continue it?” …that’s what I’m thinking at the moment.

- The brink of life/death in the same dimension -

－就是因为有“需要”，有“想要”，所以才会去“寻找”。就因为大家“需要”的东西不同，世界才如此充满独特的冒险。－

所谓“最后的爱”，似乎明白一点点了。心中一向烦躁着得到得不到，在“爱”中其实这个问题不曾存在过。这个“存在”，心中感应得到，感觉得到就好了。

虽然已经遗忘了好多遍，当这感觉回涌的当时把他记住就好了。

虽然，或许，这段路上没有人会永久相随，继续放开心胸，继续让自己感应就好了。

就算是一点点也好。

“It’s because there’s ‘needs’ and ‘wants’, therefore I still continue to “search”. And because the ‘needs’ of everyone is different, that’s why the world will still continue to be filled with unique adventures.”

That so called “last love”, I think I’m starting to understand a little bit of it. That inner frustration that whether I’ll be able to have it or not, in “love” this question does not exist at all. This “existence”, as long my heart is capable to sense, to feel it, that’s good enough.

Although I forgot about it many times, as long as I’m aware …

Is it that everything that was only conceived in the head to be the best which reality may never match…?

- 😛 -

A lot of times, I just sat down there and just trying to figure out all those raw signals within me: subtle physical signs, raw emotions and feelings. And there are quite a few of these sensations that I can’t figure out the what’s and why’s, I did wondered whether I should be visiting a doctor instead ^^||.

Somehow at the moment I’m trying to look deep into my own sexual dimension at the moment, trying to observe my own senses and sensuality. The subtle things behind my sexuality, so to speak. I was wondering about the seeking the “depth” within from sexual experiences, I don’t really know how to explain this, but it seemed possible, or probably that I’m seeking it actually, a so-called… say, “spiritual penetration” (for lack …