Been hooked to Nodame Cantabile (のだめカンタービレ) anime lately, which had reignited my interest of classical music again. Personally I like grand symphonies performed by a full orchestra or piano music that captivates my emotions, and especially liking orchestral arrangement for game music a lot.

Coming back, that really enticed me to get the Nodame Cantabile Best 100 compilation album… only to be held back by the cost of it ^^||. But pretty much I would see it as a good way to introduce myself to classical music. Probably I would like the Romantic period, would need to read more on classical music, I think.

And definitely will be taking up piano courses again once I had sufficient funding :), not really sure whether electrical keyboards (which aren’t that expensive) can be used as a good substitute …

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In case anyone’s wondering how’s my weekend, all I can say is this: Drooling over nice furniture makes me want to buy a home badly. ^-^|| I was like, reading the furniture ads on the newspapers, strolling at the electrical appliance department store and noticing property for sale ads doesn’t help one bit. I sort of have some imaginary home deco running in my head and I can so imagine myself relaxed in a nicely done house.

Somehow I did had a few place in mind at the moment, but I’m a bit hesitant of getting them because: 1. home loans weren’t cheap, 2. it’s a 30-year long commitment, 3. with my requirement of having a nice location and only having a RM200K budget, most likely I’d end up …

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What “personal growth” was to me when there’s no road maps and place markers in front of me? What does it mean by “compromising myself”?

Albeit being two different questions, somehow I just felt there’s some sort of connection between the two. Well… I couldn’t feel “compromised” if I don’t have some sort of idea of the value of the things that I had, isn’t it? (you can also say things like vested interest, personal ego, etc.)

“As long as you are happy…”

Somehow thinking about the word “happy”, it seemed that I’m starting to wonder whether I’m starting to become unable to comprehend that simple word anymore. More like I’m unable to associate anything with that word anymore… which makes the meaning unclear to myself anymore. Does that mean that I was unhappy? Not really, to be honest. Yes, I do have my fits of frustration and sadness, but that doesn’t really make my life an unhappy one.

But somehow, it’s like… the word had its meaning devoided from me. It’s like, I still know what is “happy” and “sad” in an emotional sense, but the frailty of such experience just made me felt that probably there’s more to the word “happiness”. Having that …

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Not sure whether is it caffeine, just felt all hyper for the whole day today. A bit crazy, I might add ^^||. And currently starting to develop an interest to DesktopTD, that’s another Tower Defence game, for those who played that Warcraft III’s custom map before. Just that one game that I’m not supposed to play at work because it’d take my full concentration for the whole hour XD.

Anyway, at the moment I just want to fully relaxed while I’m capable to. Don’t think my dusts will settle down any time soon. ^^||

或许，喜欢到渴望的，只是一种感觉吧…

Maybe, the thing that I liked to a point of dying for, is merely just a feeling…

One week of stress test ended yesterday, but somehow the whole thing is just tiring X_X||. Lethargy is getting the better of me, I think. But I did manage to handle it quite well, I think. Most of the time I find myself using my half-assed Cantonese interacting with the people involved. Talk about an opportunity to practise it, as much I only consider it to be just “survival Cantonese” ^^||.

But what I did end up with a bunch of stuff that I have to followup as a result of the stress test, I’m going to be busy for a while, so it seemed. Not particularly sure how I felt about it, to be honest. It’s basically an unknown territory to me, and I did had a strong opinion to not liking these …

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或许，就是不断地
寻找着那个
自己无法达到的
 那个“自己”

偶然的瞬间
遇上了
在你身上找到
 “完美的自己”的味道

这是所谓的“爱”吗？
其实连自己也不怎么晓得
只晓得
拼命地去接近你
希望能够抓到些甚么
希望能够从你的观点视线中
 看到什么色彩

但是…
 世界不曾完美过

与你隔离的那一天起
从前你那笑颜未曾消失过
但也似乎回想起
 隐约无法表露地伤痛

是我的错觉吗？
 还是你也是在寻找着你的“完美”？

应该放弃吗？
应该绝望吗？
其实自己也仍然在犹豫徘徊着
究竟自己也不曾懂得
 两人之间的同感

或许…自己真的是不懂吧…
 或许…“爱”的，并不是“你”吧…

－ 给我对你的怀念而写，从中希望能够给予自己些不曾存在的安慰 －

Maybe, just restlessly
finding that
unattainable “self”

On that accidental moment
I found from you
that taste of the “perfect self”

Is it that’s what it had been called as “love”?
Actually I’m didn’t really understood myself
Only knew
to get close to you with all my might
Hoping that I’m able to grasp something
Hoping that from you point of view
(I’m) able to see some different colours

But…
the world was never perfect

From the day we separated
your smile in the past never …

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Will be at Genting for the whole week starting from today, so don’t expect daily updates while I’m there.

Not feeling all the optimistic about the trip today, mainly due to my depleting confidence in dealing with human communications. But somehow I didn’t really have much of a choice if I were to progress, so it seemed, so running away from it is not an option. Only thing I can do now is to face the challenge and see what happens next (still feeling anxious, though ^^||).

Anyway, this few weeks is going to be a hard one to me as my C.O.D.S. is being reactivated again. (for the uninitiated, C.O.D.S. stands for Crush Over-Dwelling Syndrome. A term that I coined myself during the course of my …

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NEVER EVER / 浜崎あゆみ

いつか生まれる前からきっと
変らないモノ探し続けては
見つけて 失って 時に
 人をキズつけた夜もあった

もしもたったひとつだけ願いが叶うなら
もしもたったひとつだけ願いが叶うなら
君は何を祈る
 この空に君は何を祈る

強く欲しがる気持ちのそばで
どこか諦め覚え始めては
見つけて 手放して 時に
 自分をキズつけた夜もあった

もしも君に差し出せるモノがあるとすれば
もしも君に差し出せるモノがあるとすれば
 変らぬ確かな思い

ほんの少しでも笑ってくれるなら
まだココに生きる意味もあるよね
ほんの少しでも求めてくれるなら
 まだココに生きる事許されるかな

もしもたったひとつだけ願いが叶うなら
もしもたったひとつだけ苦いが叶うなら
 君は何を祈る

ねえ もしも君に差し出せるモノがあるとすれば
もしも君に差し出せるモノがあるとすれば
変らぬ確かな思い
そう変らぬ確かな思い
 ねえここに

Translation

Lyrics translation from Divine Ayu

Sometime, surely since before you were born,
I was searching for something unchanging.
I’d find it, and lose it, and sometimes
there were nights when I hurt people.

If just one of your wishes could come true,
If just one of your wishes could come true,
what would you wish for?
What would you wish for, here, under this sky?

Despite my strong desire,
I started giving up.
I’d find it, release it, and sometimes
there were nights when I hurt myself.

If there were something I could give to you,
If …

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