At the moment, just feeling that my life is transitioning itself into a different chapter. I do have to admit that a fair bit of emotional shock has put myself into some deep thought during the times when I experience those great emotional turmoils.

Writing the previous drifting thought entry about attraction somehow had me shifting a completely different gear. And together with my conversations with Allen, that gave me a lot of room to contemplate about how I have progressed thus far, especially the times when I write in my LJ. A couple of times I sort of find myself in some sort of time warp, having events and my own personal emotions reflecting those I had experienced in the past: as if I was facing another “self” of the past.

Such scenarios does …

Sometimes, the best critic might as well be the most ignorant.

“… what comes to mind when you see a girl and decide that its love at first sight?”

That’s the first question. Somehow it’s sort of funny in a way because when you thought you can generalize things in a certain manner, after that you realize a myriad of different possibilities and angles that certain issues can be viewed from. But somehow, as a continuation of my discussion with Allen regarding sex, attraction and love (which is friends-only, mainly because there’s things that I find them personal to a point which I’m not particularly comfortable of exposing after a particular drama case), I think it’s pretty much a good idea for me to compile the thoughts and hypothesis that I have gathered based on my own experience regarding the matter.

Anyway …

An idea called to be idealistic is not because it won’t happen, but rather because it has not happened yet.

- your field of vision -

How many times that I find myself admiring or feeling jealous on someone else? A lot of times, I bet. Being an avid self-help book reader, there’s many times when I feel myself inspired about the rosy pictures of success that these people have painted. There’s a lot of times when I just hope that I were in their place, enjoying the riches, friends and personal enjoyment they derived from what they are doing. And it just feels real as you start to relate yourself to such experiences and it’s hard to not to get infected with such optimism and it feels as if I’m living in feel-good land.

Except the fact that… these feelings weren’t real and not to mention they aren’t my own experience either.

And when …

自己是不可能失去不曾拥有的东西 ；失去的，是自己在那样东西上所树立的幻想而已。

One can not say that he lost something that he has never owned; what is lost, is the dream that was built upon it.

It’s been a while I didn’t use the friends-only tag, but considering the sensitivity of the post which discloses quite a fair deal of personal history, I guess it has to be posted as friends only (which is outside the loop of my real-life social circle). But just to be safe, I had LJ-cut it, as much as it’s only a deep discussions with my thoughts about sex, attraction and the the possibility of love which may or may not arise from such urges.

Note: I did some small edits which I filter out the introductory fluff and some annoying error messages and added some translation notes

Update (29 Aug): Did some editing and I’m surprised that I accidentally deleted two sentences that were quite important (but it only amounts …

他，终于做了个决定。

当时情绪的波涛，自己最清楚不过，却很辛苦的隐瞒起来。

虽然在半年前得那一夜里，心中认输了，但是你在这段期间仍然存在我的周围，心中的牵挂就如此还是无法解开。

心想，”这样的事就快要重复了第三次了，又要眼巴巴看着你在我面前蒸发消失吗？“心中多么不甘，却仍然那么不敢，究竟我认为我不是那个能够让你改变主意的人。

自己并非个宽容的人，自私的我，只能够慢慢地尽量消化与感受你的存在，直到你不在的那一刻。…就如此决定了。

倒数三个月…就这样开始。

A lot of times when it comes to giving advice to others, I speak as though I was talking to myself as well. In which, with great hopes, will continue to serve as a reminder to myself from time to time: for a remembrance that will continue to change and shape at least my own life.

Been having the feeling as if I have bumped onto a mental ceiling at the moment. Was it a sign I have reached my limits? Ugh… if that’s the case that wouldn’t be nice :(. I was like thinking “I’m just barely 25, and that’s all I got?!”, and I’m not particularly satisfied with what I’m in right now.

sigh…

(Note: Speaking of which, it’s been a year since my last transition poem was written, so in a way it was currently the longest chapter in my own LJ. Well, it’s still not the time yet for Chapter six yet… although from time to time I did collect bits and pieces for the next poem. But there aren’t a strong theme that I would like to express …