If there’s anything that I can describe how I have been for weeks, this describes my situation best 😛

Gotta go to work and do some final cleanup.

是你让我看到我想要看到的东西吗？还是你也有你自己想要的东西？

无止境的揣测，在馄饨的思维中无法辨别到底这个是自己的幻想还是你真正的感觉想法。

压抑着心中的暧昧，似乎没勇气去相信那个可能性。或许不想再活于那自我虚构的满足吗…？回头想想，或许这时我向来的过活方式吧（似乎还是很讽刺）。

就这样地还是那么笨挫的否认那无法抗拒的感觉，喜欢上那个你了。

Nobody can be responsible for the rut that I put myself in.

… Work is getting tiring… thud

Anyway, three weeks of work without rest (read: even weekends) starts to wear me out somehow, I woke up today with the feeling that it’s Sunday -_-||. Just for the sake of not missing a deadline (hence trying my best to make the department’s progressive payment happen), just felt as if I’m pushing myself too far.

Sigh… really hoped that the choice I had made is for the best of things…

Ordinarily I would say that I look forward to finishing my task and taking a breather, but knowing that more work lies ahead of me (and the urgency of it) just makes me weary. Does give me the feeling of screaming “When will all of this hell would end?!”

Till the meantime, just wish me luck …

For one thing, translating Chinese blog entries to English isn’t something that I started recently: all this while I have been taking up the habit to translate my own Chinese LJ posts since the beginning (until recently that I decided to only translate drifting thoughts and impromptu posts as I believe those are more worth sharing). And I still have to say that translating is hard work even though I have been doing so for like four years.

Recently I have been spending some time translating some useful Chinese articles on personal finances (which is posted in KLSE Financial Homework, my blog on financial matters which still lacks some original content ^^|||), and dealing with subtle nuances of dealing with different styles of expression can be a challenging task indeed. Sometimes I just sat down …

If you see everything as an illusion, nothing will be real.

The thing is that for the most of us, what we perceive and able to perceive are perceived to be our reality.

Which, in this case, the paradox of an illusion is also a possible reality because we perceive it to be.

- the full circle -

At times, I sometimes reached the conclusion that many psychologists had reach: that life is suffering and not worth living, that life is mere pain and happiness is nothing more than just an illusion that we fed ourselves for self-consolation.

Those were the times when I was down.

But there’s many times that I have touched on the issue, that optimism and pessimism is nothing more of projection of the unknown future based on whatever we had experienced, perceived and told about. And such behavioural traits (or train of thoughts, if you like to put it that way) can only be possible under two conditions: 1. your pleasures were dependent on your well-being (who isn’t, anyway) 2. you’ll live (which is something that is highly possible and sudden deaths were typically statistically …

Steve Jobs is evil, no doubt about it.

Not only Apple tempts me with their new iPod range, those guys are smart enough to put me in the dilemma of not knowing which is more important: 160GB (i.e. bringing my whole music library on the go) vs. wifi + touch screen + coolness factor.

Not to mention that their prices just shouts an offer that I can’t refuse at all. ARGH!!!!

… At least lucky for me, my plans to replace my iPod is pretty low in my shopping list priority.

… For now, that is…

好多时候，都会觉得困扰：为什么总是无法成为自己喜欢的人的“完美”？

…这时，反问回自己：其实自己想要爱你，还是想要被你爱？还是纯粹希望被你需要呢…？

或许现在的我，正是那拥有“需要”的人：一个需要支柱的脆弱心灵。或许正因如此才无法找到爱吧…

情绪的激荡，随着身边的变迁平伏不定。心里的那份感应，又强烈起来了…

是过去作祟吗？似乎害怕自己又是自作多情，还是用这个藉口搪塞过去：就这样又笨挫地试图否认了心中的渴望。在自己无法肯定的状态下，自己还是那样无法在觉得胜算渺茫的赌注中全拼出去。

“是开始喜欢你了吗？”

自己心中得肯定却还是无法用行动实现。结果仍然还是保留在一无所有的现在。

在同一当时遇上了一个拥有达到完美的可能性跟一个很相称合得来的缘分，这时候要如何决定呢？虽然一向来都会说“合得来”就好，现在却觉得无法违背自己心中的“想要”。

哎…现在对自己来说，“爱”这个东西仍然还是把我自己搞糊涂了。

…或许新的序幕，就要开始开演了…